Published March 7, 2010
Can you feel that?
Its not a normal breeze
it is a gust of promise
and its a big one
Have you ever felt it this strong?
I dont think i have,
this is fills the sails of potential
and waves crash high, with hope
like a hurricane,
the change is tumultuous
and scary, but you have to brave the storm
and you cant stop it forever
the dark clouds ahead only mean
warm air and good times will follow
this impending storm, of movement
Not only a stirring around me but in my soul
Like leaves in a autumn gale
memories blow by
old and dull, fresh and vivid
but memories the same
I find myself sitting on quiet solidarity
if only for the moment,
watching the thunderheads roll in
I can see a home that has been seized in the wind
Drifting away into the sky, broken and battered
but ascending into the clouds like an angel
like a drifting dream, the dream differed
the house, vanishes,
it vanishes in a hell storm
of lumber furniture fabric
and drywall, and photo albums
more memories lost for an eternity
but they will get a new home
with one less soul to accompany
not dead, yet still departed
a separate path
its not a lonely trail
there are many friends to accompany
and there is God to lead the way
but only He will write the path
and i will see the other side
of these clouds, i will walk the path
and i will sing out when i see the sun
and i will be happier
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
I quite enjoyed this one, but for future references I think you should try and develop your own rhythm so you can engage the audience.
Keep it up
Actually - i talked to my friend, and he told me i wasn't writing enough lol - i didn't realize i was supposed to critique other ppls poems - so i did do some reviews - good suggestion. I'm a little slow i guess :p
while some of the mistakes were just me; the main reason that i really left grammar out of my poem was because its a poem about wind, and wind does whatever it wants lol, so i was trying to give it a blustery/ free form feel, thanks for all the comments
keep 'em coming.
Overall I did like your poem, specifically the tone and rythm. However, develop some powerful images for the audience to latch onto, so that there is a real feeling between your writing and the reader. Otherwise good job!
And to the posters above me, I just recently joined this website but I have already noticed that people tend to focus on grammar, punctuation, ect. You can break the rules in poetry; breaking the rules can really add to your own personal style.
I agree with silented1. You should review more. Looking at your profile, I see you have two literary comments, but they weren't 250 characters or more. You can check the character number via a little box at the bottom of the text box. This is to prevent you from just saying, "oh, it's good" and actually give helpful information to the author. Say what you like and don't like about the piece. Anyway, once you've done a few reviews I'll be happy to return and review this poem.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor
P.S. Oh, if you like, there are some really good articles in the knowledge base on reviewing that I could link you to.
Hello.
The first thing I noticed was the capitalization and punctuation. Contractions need to have apostrophes (It's, don't, can't), and the beginning of each stanza should be capitalized.
Typo aside, it's interesting. You're say that the breeze is so strong it gives hope, right? That's creative; it's not something I have heard before.
At this point, the whole poem seems to change. The section before this was about hope and the future, I thought, but now it becomes about loss and the past. IN a way that works, I guess, but I think it might work better in reverse. You watch the house and think about the loss, then tell the reader that there is still hope, that the storm brings good things, too.
--MM
You should do some reviews, it helps your chances of being reviewed. And wow, you write a lot.