This green pond lights up like a screen:
clouds’ shadows crack and scatter with the sun.
The bees forget to sip their honey,
drunk on light they hum and stumble,
and the ducks quack diddly-squat.
You won’t go home, brothers,
but you won’t go to work today.
You will take the sky by storm,
plunder its blue abundance with your running.
Laughter lines this park like foam lines flooded roads,
simple pleasure, like cotton candy freshly spun.
We’ll waste our morning singing stupid songs.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
First question: What's the point?
Tagore's poem isn't bad, it's actually quite good, and it's not like you've done anything interesting with it here. So, like I all ready asked, what's the point? If you have some sort of message you are trying to convey, then please tell me so I'm not in the dark. But squandering someone else's art is not worth the trouble unless there's some obvious and deep reason.
To be honest, I was a bit taken aback by this, and can't imagine that Tagore would be very happy about this.
I can't say anything about the work itself, since it's not really your work. Anyone can take someone else's art and change a few colors to make it "different" but that doesn't mean it's actually a new piece of work worth looking at.
I am sad that you felt that this was okay.
Clarity here to review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying your time so far. Now, onto the poem.
I can see how you've taken inspiration from the original poem, although I do wonder as to why you have chosen to debase such a lovely poem... Nevertheless, this is a good poem. There is not much for me to say on this, however, due to it being your own version of another poem. Even though you state, in your title, that this is the bastardisation of "Over the Green and Yellow" I don't see how this is much different to the original.
To work on this, you could probably write your own poem about what you think of Tagore's poem. This would probably be more of a way to bastardise the poem itself.
Good luck and Happy YWSing,
-Clarity.
The Missing Piece here for a review! This is AMAZING! It's absolutely perfect. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes....very good. I love the detail and the description! My favorite part was....
"Laughter lines this park like foam lines flooded roads"
I would've never thought of comparing them! Good job! Keep writing!
~The Missing Piece.