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SkyKnights Part 1

by davidechoe13


SkyKnights Part 1

Okay, my name is Jason Gardener most people just call me Jason, obviously. Anyway im 15 years’ old people say im kinda skinny but most of those people are fat so that’s debatable. I have fairly short black hair and brown eyes, and really im normal just like everyone else I know. I can disappear in a crowd like a ninja mainly because no one would pay attention to someone like me. Yeah im in an orphanage; but not because my parents are dead, that’s probably the worst part when your family just kicks you to the curb and you’re left in “Fifth Street Orphanage” a dream hotel right? No.

Im a super hero of sorts, I don’t exactly have powers but I do save people and stop bad guys. I have a team behind me and together we’re the SkyKnights a band of do gooders that save people. You're probably wondering how an “orphan” ends up leading a squad of superheroes, and while im not super I know some of my team that do have powers. Well, here’s how it all went down.

Fifth Street Orphanage

RRRIIIIIIINNNGG!! I picked my weary head off my desk and looked around ,everyone else in the classroom was already picking up their stuff and filing out of the classroom.

“Jason!” I turned my head to the voice; it was my best friend Preston Hughes, Preston was about as tall as I was except he had shaggy brown hair and blue eyes a typical chick magnet in looks yet, he wasn’t pulled into all the popularity drama like all the other cool guys were. He tossed me my notebook he had been copying notes from and waited for me to pack up.

“Okay, here’s what you’re gonna do have to do when you reach the final door in the dungeon.” Preston was telling me as we stepped into the hustle and bustle of the hallway.

“Hey Preston wait up!” I heard a girl say, I turn around and it’s Mary Linsworth on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being ugly and 10 being totally hot Jainey would be a 6 or 7. Which isn’t that bad. She had a pretty brunette hair color and nice green eyes.

“Hi, how’s it goin?” Preston asked being casual and smooth as always. I just kinda stood in his shadow not wanting to make a fool out of myself.

“High I just wanted to introduce my friend Amy here to you; she’s new to school this year.” Preston reached out a hand and Amy shook it. Amy was blonde with bright blue eyes and on the scale of 1 to 10 in my opinion she was a 12. That’s when I noticed she was totally blushing in front of Preston. I looked in between them and noticed Preston was acting normal and Amy was totally out of the world, in a daydream. I sighed and hit my head against the locker all hope of a decent looking girlfriend shattered. Preston and Amy talked for a minute before Mary jumped in and practically dragged her away. After they had left I looked at Preston and asked.

“What was all that about?” He smiled and we started walking again. Well I knew that when Preston smiled like that even I couldn’t talk him into talking. (hahaha).

I left Preston and went over to the parking lot where the Orphanage van always waited to pick us up. He opened the doors and hopped inside. There were only about 7 of us in the van and I went straight to the back as always. After I plopped down in my seat the van drove off to the Orphanage 20 minutes away.

I stepped off the bus and watch my fellow inmates go in to the building. Of the seven we had Martin Price my best friend while at the orphanage. He was a little taller than me and had dark brown neat hair his eyes were also brown Martin at the orphanage was like Preston at school.

“How’d it go?” He asked.

“How’d what go?” I asked.

“I saw you and Preston

hanging out with the new girl.”

“Naaah, that was Preston, again.” We found our room and I plopped down on my bed.

“Well you’ll get their eventually.” Martin assured me. He went off to take a shower as I layed down on my bed and read comic books. I read about some of the heroes and how they overcame the evil super villains and saved the day and got the girl. “Wouldn’t that be cool,” I thought “If I could be someone like that.”

Let’s skip ahead a couple of days, back at school we’re sitting outside on a picnic table slowly eating our snacks. I was watching the playground it was interesting seeing all the little kids jump and scream. I was also daydreaming about heroes; the thought still hadn’t left my head. I wanted to be somebody, if I had to fall in a vat of toxic waste to do it. I stood there thinking and thinking.

“I’m gonna go get a soda want one?” Preston asked. I told him no and he walked off, I turned as he did to see a sight which always amuses me every time he moves away from me a group of girls will just surround him. Even if that makes me feel just a little bad I still find it funny.

“Jason!” I turned around Preston was waving at me. “I have to go to Karate practice! See you tomorrow!”

“See Yah!” I yelled back. It’s cruel how fate works sometimes isn’t it? Because that was the last time I saw him.


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67 Reviews


Points: 1337
Reviews: 67

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:23 pm
indieeloise wrote a review...



Hi, david! Indie here with your review on this fine day.

I’m just going to revise everything grammatically in your first paragraph, and that should give you an idea on how you should proofread your work throughout the piece! I’ll also touch on some of my ideas on how to hook your reader in with your first few sentences:

“My name is Jason Gardener, but most people just call me Jason. I’m fifteen years old. People say I’m on the skinny side, but most of my critics are overweight; in my opinion, my size is debatable. I have fairly short black hair and brown eyes, and I’m normal just like everyone else I know. I can disappear in a crowd like a ninja, mainly because I’ve grown used to being overlooked. I live in an orphanage, but not because my parents are dead. It’s almost like I am dead to them, though; my family kicked me to the curb of Fifth Street Orphanage. I can’t say it’s a dream hotel, here.”

1- Never, ever start off the first sentence of a story with, “Okay, so..” It is very amateur, and is not good writing at all. I don’t mind the chatty sort of dialogue Jason has with the reader to start off the story, but this first paragraph, as well as the second, are information/backstory overloads. Big time. It almost has the potential to scare off the reader. You want to introduce character descriptions and history as the story progresses. It will be much more realistic that way. I understand the purpose of why the character described himself as skinny, but it could’ve been worded more fluently in dialogue, like if one of the orphanage leaders always commented on Jason’s thinness. If you’ll learn how to subtly add these types of things in to your story, it will make for much better reading.

Anyways, I like the characters okay in this, but they don’t stand out to me. And it’s kind of an odd place to end a chapter. But I like the concept of this, so keep writing and keep in mind what I said about grammar, character information, and backstory. Good luck!
~Indie.




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54 Reviews


Points: 5990
Reviews: 54

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:59 pm
silentpatronus wrote a review...



Howdy ☺

I’m going to review your work! ☺


Anyway im 15 years’ old people say im kinda skinny but most of those people are fat so that’s debatable.

For me, you have started off too chatty. Firstly ‘I’m’ needs to have an apostrophe. Secondly ‘kinda’ is not a word. If you want to use that language then use it in speech, whilst writing text refer to it as ‘kind of’.

I have fairly short black hair and brown eyes, and really im normal just like everyone else I know.

I’m not going to mention the ‘im’ thing again. One thing I’d say is this description is quite bland.

Yeah im in an orphanage; but not because my parents are dead, that’s probably the worst part when your family just kicks you to the curb and you’re left in “Fifth Street Orphanage” a dream hotel right? No.

If you’re going to use ‘Yeah’ then please put a comma after it!

everyone else in the classroom was already picking up their stuff and filing out of the classroom.

Make this a new sentence.

Preston was about as tall as I was except he had shaggy brown hair and blue eyes a typical chick magnet in looks yet, he wasn’t pulled into all the popularity drama like all the other cool guys were.

Make this a sentence too.

“Okay, here’s what you’re gonna do have to do when you reach the final door in the dungeon.” Preston was telling me as we stepped into the hustle and bustle of the hallway.

This doesn’t make any sense.

“High I just wanted to introduce my friend Amy here to you; she’s new to school this year.”

It’s ‘hi’.

(hahaha).
There were only about 7 of us in the van and I went straight to the back as always.

There WAS. Also write out numbers.

“Well you’ll get their eventually.” Martin assured me.

It’s there.

He went off to take a shower as I layed down on my bed and read comic books.

It’s laid.

Let’s skip ahead a couple of days, back at school we’re sitting outside on a picnic table slowly eating our snacks.

I’m sorry, what? This is not a play.

Okay so one thing I would say is your story idea is good however you need to work on your style of writing. It’s firstly too chatty and secondly you need to proofread.




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Reviews: 10

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Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:12 am
AubrielRose wrote a review...



I found this entertaining. I liked the writing style you used. It's almost like Jason is talking to the reader personally, telling the story. I would like it if you described Amy and Mary in a little more detail. I had trouble picturing them. Try using similes to give the reader a clear outline of the features instead of just claiming beauty.
I would like to read more. I would especially like to know what happends to Preston. Perhaps Jason will seek vengence on his death/disappearance?




davidechoe13 says...


thank you for reading and thank you so much for writing a review i love every little bit of help! thank you soooooooo much!!!!




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