David Echoe walked down the hall his dark blue backpack hanging off one arm he took off his red hat and ran a hand through his thick brown hair. I really have to get to bed earlier. He walked by the vending machine and put in a few quarters for a pack of gum and a pop tart. He yawned and walked over to the elevator, pressed the down button and waited. The elevator dinged and David walked in. The elevator shuddered to a halt and the thick doors opened. He walked through the lobby and got some coffee, he looked at his watch, he still had time. The TV was still on the news channel. It always was.
“Hey Bob! What do you think about all these earthquakes pretty crazy huh? It’s almost like the grounds just comein out from under us.” The newsman smiled his perfect white smile and looked at his partner.
“Right you are Johnny! There was actually one last night on Trade Island and as compact as that place is it did a ton of damage. There go food prices, gonna be through the roof!”
David zoned out as the newsmen continued to chat about everything under the sun. He finished off his coffee and tossed the cup in the trash can. Then he got up and walked through the automatic doors, into the brisk morning air. The sun hadn’t even risen all the way, David watched as a small car pulled up beside him.
“Ready for adventure?” It was David’s best friend Rick O’Brian he was average mostly except for his spikey blondish brown hair and sea green eyes and friendly attitude. David plopped his stuff in the trunk and walked around to the passenger side he got in and they drove off.
They drove around to the train station at the edge of the small town. There they picked up Molly Hartman she was David’s cousin and had brown hair like he did; she threw her stuff in the trunk and got in the seat behind Rick.
“Well, I am ready, how bout you guys? You scared any about getting lost in the wilderness?” She asked.
“No, not at all.” David said he smiled and Rick drove them over to Steven’s house. Steven was black haired and was like the leader of the group he was the friendliest guy that David had ever met. Rick pulled the car into the gravel driveway beside Steven’s house. Steven came out the screen door slamming shut behind him, he smiled and picked up his backpack off the porch and put it in the trunk of the car then he got in the seat behind David and they drove off through the morning mist.
“Okay where will we be hiking?” Molly asked.
“We’re gonna hike from here and go to Old York for the week and then we come back.” Steven said “it’ll probably take about two and a half days to get to Old York but that’s the fun of it!” Rick parked the car in a parking lot next at the edge of town. David got out and waited in line to get his gear. He was the last to get it so he shut the trunk and looked out. Each person was loaded with food and some safety supplies and an extra pair of clothes. They were ready to go. David looked out over the rocky landscape and the trail that snaked by the massive boulders. He sucked in a deep breath and started walking into the wilderness.
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It feels a little rushed at some parts because of some grammer mistakes. If you looked over your work though, it could be very nice. I agree with Ajt that it didn't really grab me right away, which is what a first chapter is supposed to do. You did, though, have some nice foreshadowing in the middle of it with the tv guys. The only parapgraph that didn't really read smoothly was the first one. You needed a bit more sentence variety, but I think Calligraphy addressed that. Other than that, you had a nice voice through the piece and it was very readable. I like short chapters, so that was a plus too.
I wish you would describe his friends more. All we know about Molly is she's David's cousin and has brown hair. This doesn't tell us anything about her personality. Getting more description can be a little tricky, trying to show and not tell, but I think it would be worth it if there was something about her, maybe just a quirk or a habit she has or something. Also, you described both of the other guys as being 'friendly.' I'd find some different characteristic of one of their personalities to describe, or say that one is sociable or likable or pleasant or something.
It's definitely a nice beginning, though. You did a great job describing the news announcers and you introduced your characters. It definitely has potential, and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Hi David. So, this seems like a good start to a novel, but like AJT I feel like it should catch my attention more. I know that you are trying to introduce the characters and plot, but lots of times authors don't actually start at the beginning of the story. Sometimes stories can become much more interesting if you start in the middle and have flashbacks or go from the end and then with characters thoughts slowly work their way back to the beginning. Look some of these online and play around with them. Because right now your story has fallen a bit flat. I think that is because readers need a good hook to get them to read more.
- Just a nitpick: Remember to put thoughts in italics!My next complaint is the sentences in your first paragraph.
Notice the beginnings of the sentences, he, he, the elevator, the elevator, and he. This starts to get a bit monotone for the reader. Especially when you say elevator and he plenty of other times besides the beginning of the sentences. You need to get a little sentence variety. Instead say something like:
Do you see the difference?
Notice that I took out some of the details like about him getting on, going down, and getting of the elevator. You don't need to give us a step by step of his day.
I think those are the problems you should concentrate on now. This has a few other problems, but it is a really good start. I hope I helped, and if you have any questions shoot me a P.M.
- Calli
Hmm...interesting. Nice idea having your username as the main character. Did it pay off? Well, to be honest with you, yes and no. It had an air of adventure and mystery, but it was the wrong chapter! Chapter One usually is the one that should grip the reader from the first line. It should have a decent amount of action to make the reader read on. At the moment it feels like we SHOULD know the character. If this was chapter 2/3, it would work. However, you need to make something happen. Now enough of the negative. I found your characters had good potential and I hope to read more of your work.