Into the darkness I walk,
Even in death I can hear you talk,
Shadows left with memories,
All become lost within the trees,
Will I become forgotten,
In my casket rotting,
I really didn't mean to leave you behind,
Just keep me in mind,
Don't believe the weathers perfect the day you die,
Love still lingers in your eye,
You'll find away to move on again,
A life without sin,
Even in the darkness of my lies,
My heart somehow cries,
But I had to leave this life so morbid,
Fallowed everything back into the dark where it hid,
Today is the last day I fell,
Now I must say fairwell,
In my head these words fill the covers,
This was a death amongest lovers.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think that the best advice I can give you is to lose the rhyme scheme. Due to syllables, beats, and other such factors, it actually hinders, rather than helps, this poem. It sounds like words are being used for the sake of using them, sans understanding of the baggage a single word might bring with it. Example "I had to leave this life so morbid,/fallowed everything back into the dark where it hid". This doesn't mean anything in the context of the poem. It hangs there, like walking through a forest of balloon strings at the grocery (I'm sure you know; the ones where they've let a bunch of balloons float to the ceiling, but you still have to walk through the strings that are left hanging down to get anywhere).
After all that, the last line falls flat. I'd suggest making an outline or a web before revising. Make sure you know what you're trying to say before you say it. ^_^
I'll just leave some basic notes (because this poem is composed of basic flaws and little else)
-the aabb rhyme scheme is poor, especially when you don't have a syllabic distribution
-don't ask a question out of nowhere and then continue with the rest of the poem
-don't ever, ever end every line with a comma
-please don't capitalize every line
-don't talk about a crying heart, because a heart doesn't have the physical means to actually weep
This is cliche, poorly formatted, abstract. Ditch the rhyme until you learn how to count syllables, learn how to enjamb and use punctuation effectively.