Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The day started out as a normal day. You would get up at 6:30am and get ready for school. Then you would grab a quick breakfast and then you were off to school. Today I was up bright and early eager for the day, because I was going to be a sophomore. I was so stoked that my mom was getting annoyed. As we got in the car I had the music cranked and was rocking out. I was bouncing up and down and was just breaking it down in the car. “Good Lord Child! What did you drink that made you so wired?” I moved my head side to side. “Nothing just I’m excited!” I exclaimed. She shrugged her shoulders and got in the car. While on our way to school an emergency broadcast came over on the radio and it said “Attention citizens there is a violent virus on the loose. Stay away from the infected as much as possible. If you see anyone that you may think is infected with this strange virus please contact your local authorities. Thank you.” I looked at my mom and she looked at me and said “Be very cautious today.” I looked at her and I could see the concern in her eyes. I sign and say “I will. Don’t worry if something happens I will be fine.” I assured my mom. She took a in a deep breath and let it out as she pulled in the front of the school. I get out of the car and say “Love you mom.” She nodded and said “Love you to and be safe.” I nodded and went in. When I entered there was not many kids there and then I saw my buddy Mike. He sees me and runs over to me “Hey! Did you hear about the broadcast?” I made it over to him and said “Yeah but I don’t think we nothing to worry about. Besides gym will be easy today because all the jocks are not here today.” He agreed with me and the bell rang. I always hated when the morning bell rung because the stairs to up to the next floor were always packed to the gills. Luckily me and Mike had gym so we went to the gymnasium and waited for instructions. When the bell rung we went, got changed and met outside down by the softball field. Once everyone was down there we gathered around our gym teacher and we got our teams together. We played softball for a while and my team was winning and we were up to bat. I was standing over home plate waiting to hit the ball when I heard a scream. I looked over and say a guy tearing flesh off of someone’s arm. Blood was squirting everywhere. I looked at my gym teacher and he nodded. I rushed the guy and knocked him to the ground. Next I started beating him with the baseball bat I was using and it didn’t seem to faze him. Then I heard more screams and saw more people chasing some of my peers around. Then I saw one behind my gym teacher and I tried to warn him but the sick guy beat me to saying anything and I watched he started eating him alive. “Darnell! Darnell! Hey come back to reality! That’s it say with me,” Mike was saying. I looked at him and said “Mr.- He’s- Oh my god,” Mike looked at me and said “I know but we need to leave. I tried calling my dad but I don’t have cell service.” Then I saw the look on his face and turned to see lots of sick people coming our way. I looked at Mike and nodded and we started running. My heart was beating very fast, my eyes were blurry from tears, and my stomach was in knots as I watched my teacher and peers become happy meals.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, as popular as this particular genre is, this is one of the few stories based on some sort of zombie apocalypse that I have managed to run into, and well, this does look like pretty much the standard start for one of those stories, definitely pretty exciting but I'm not seeing too much that's unique to this particular story either.
Okayy....so major issue I can spot here right off the bat is this giant paragraph, this is one of those that are just really hard to read and also just seem a little jumbled and would just benefit greatly from being split up into smaller segments. Just giving all these separate scenes their own paragraph would probably go a long way to making the flow of this piece a lot smoother.
But moving away from that, this seems like its a relatively simple plot here to begin with, we have someone just going to school, a little bit of pretty minimal sounding interaction between the family, a small bit of foreshadowing of the virus, so that was a nice touch, and then of course they got to their destination and all goes wrong. So, yeah, the foreshadowing is a nice touch, and establishing this character a bit along with the family relationships is a good touch. The last part is a tiny bit chaotic, the pacing of that needs to be a little more evened out but otherwise, this ain't a bad start to a story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello! Adrian here for a review.
First of all, the beginning didn't quite hook me in. There are several thousands of stories that start with the main character waking up, the main character going to school, the main character doing relatively normal, mundane things. There was nothing special there to really reel the reader in. Even though the rest of the story might have a chance at being interesting, the beginning hinted nothing at that. Even the main character described it as a normal start. So what? Why do we even care? It's just some regular sophomore starting high school.
When reading a novel, the reader is giving you their precious time. They are committing several hours to invest in a worthwhile story. They want something to tell them that the book is worth their time. They need something interesting to latch onto. As writers, it is our responsibility to give them something that tells them "read this! This is good!"
I'd recommend starting out with the radio announcement. The disbelief, but foreshadowing setting in. The pause as the characters realize that what is going on is real. The brooding unease that comes with it all. The shock from the first attack. Showing us what's going happening.
(This part is purely personal opinion.) A lot of people say that high school are the best four years of your life -- as it turns out, a lot of those people tend to lie. Unless the main character went to a fantastic school, with amazing teachers, and great peers, then the attitude presented here by this character seems almost unrealistic.
While some of the reviewers below have pointed this out, I'd like to throw in my few cents. This chapter was just a giant wall of text. Which made it difficult to read. However, I do realize that it could be a formatting error. If it is a formatting error, it can always be edited by clicking the "edit work" button under Tools on the right side. (As reviewers below me have already stated, a new paragraph each time a new person talks, new place, new time, new etc.)
This reaction is unbelievable for many reasons. I'm echoing the reviews below right now, but what mother kind of would let her kid go to school if there is a violent virus on the rise? Wouldn't she be worried about their safety? In a crowded building with hundreds of people, then that's just asking for the virus to spread around in a quick and easy fashion. Even if she was skeptical about the virus even being a real thing, she still would probably be a bit more. concerned over the health of her kid.
If it's the first day school, then there might be some form of schedule worked out and classes picked for that year. Introductory classes or maybe even an assembly welcoming everyone back to school. How would they know that gym was first? Small details like these break the reader out of their suspension of disbelief.
I really like the ending sentence. It's packed wuth raw emotion, action, and a bit of humor that may or may not have been intentional. The description there gave me a better feeling of what was going on. I almost felt like I was in the main character's body, trying to escape. Compared to the description in the previous parts, that was pretty good.
All in all, for an apocalypse story, it could have been worse. Since it's only the first draft, most of the errors can be fixed or completely rewritten when editing. If there were other chapters, I'd definitely read on! Keep on writing~
~Adri
There's not much criticism I can give that hasn't already been offered.
1) Separate paragraphs
2) The dialogue is decent, but the radio announcement is really bad. Id suggest. "Attention. Cases of Z-virus infection have increased and doctors are warning to remain indoors and avoid the infected. Here are the signs of infection:"
And I think you get it.
Hello! I love zombies, so your story intrigued me >~>
So, you have a very good story here! The description was great, and the characters were realistic as well.
Now, onto my suggestions...
Firstly, separate the characer dialogue, and everything total into paragraphs. To separate characer dialogue, you simply write one characer's dialogue and actions in one paragragh. If a new characer does something or speaks, separate it into another paragragh. For example....
I was walking down the street, when I saw a figure approaching. "Stay away," I shouted toward the person.
"Relax, Its only me!" The voice of my brother, shouted back.
Okay, bad example, but do you see what I'm getting at? If you need more examples, simply read a book. That's how I first learned how to separate paragraphs and dialogue. Or, if you need more help, you can PM me. While I'm not an expert, I can try and help you out ^~^
Okay, next thing I noticed, was the broadcast. The narrator's mother showed obvious concern, so there was no reason for her to send her daughter/son to school. If she had been mean, or maybe in a tight position (having to go to work, didn't want to leave child home alone/neglecting/etc etc) then i could see it. The mother's personality, in my opinion, would have no reason to send her child to school. She would most likely have kept her daughter/son home. In a normal situation, when being informed there's a deadly virus spreading, parents would be cautious with their children. Now, if the mother didn't believe the braudcast, then I would believe the situation more.
Now, my only other suggestion is for the braudcast, itself. It didn't feel, realistic to me. If there was a government issued broadcast, it would probably sound more concerned, but also calm, as opposed to the casual "Hey, theres a virus, if you see an infected person, calll the local police". Now, there's nothing wrong with this, however, I feel like it would be something more like "This is not a drill. Citizens of (insert country here), please be cautious, as there has been a virus outbreak, causing the infected to become violent. Please do not attempt to approach anyone you suspect is infected. We reccomend you stay in your homes, for your safety". That was just an example, but that's about how I feel it would sound.
Overall, I love this story. I'll be sure to read your next part, and if you decide to revise this one, let me know, and I'll have a look at it again! You did a wonderful job with this story so far!
Hey! I can't resist an apocalypse story, so I'll just leave a review for you. Welcome to YWS, by the way!
Okay, so first I'd like to mention the changes in perspective. Most of the story is written in the first person, but the first few sentences are in the second person. It's okay to have a first person perspective and still use pronouns like "you," as though you're talking to someone personally. Just make sure this stays consistent through the whole story.
I have a lot to say so I'll make it as compact as possible.
Spoiler
Next, paragraphs. This chunk of text is a bit difficult to read. You could break it down into smaller paragraphs to make it easier to sort it all out. Also, each line of dialogue has to be in a separate paragraph, so just watch out for that.
Wow, this kid is hyped about school! If that's part of his character, you might want to back that up with how he behaves. If he likes school, is it because he's smart? Does he have a lot of friends there? Just try to show these things in his actions and dialogue.
I'm assuming this character is a guy, but it might help to clarify his gender.
“'Attention citizens there is a violent virus on the loose. Stay away from the infected as much as possible. If you see anyone that you may think is infected with this strange virus please contact your local authorities. Thank you.'”
A news report like this doesn't seem very realistic. It might help to explain what this "strange virus" does and how one might recognize it.
"When I entered there was not many kids there and then I saw my buddy Mike."
The bit about Mike seems a little irrelevant. It might be better to make it a separate sentence altogether. Also, Mike doesn't seem to have much of a personality in the story. If, in his dialogue and actions, you gave some indication of what he thinks of the zombie situation, that might give a better idea of his personality.
"I looked over and say a guy tearing flesh off of someone’s arm. Blood was squirting everywhere."
The character doesn't seem particularly alarmed by this. It might help to explain how he's feeling as he sees this.
"I looked at my gym teacher and he nodded. I rushed the guy and knocked him to the ground. Next I started beating him with the baseball bat I was using and it didn’t seem to faze him."
This doesn't seem like an appropriate reaction for a teacher, even a gym teacher. A teacher wouldn't just let a student rush into a dangerous situation without at least helping them in some way. Also, immediately beating the crap out of the assailant seems a little extreme. Does the main character realize that the guy is unfazed before he hits him again? Or does he just hit him for the heck of it?
“Darnell! Darnell! Hey come back to reality! That’s it say with me,” Mike was saying.
We don't learn the character's name until the very end! It might help to have his mother call him by his name towards the beginning, just so we know who he is.
It has potential! Keep writing!
Thanks for the feed back! I am open to suggestions and I will take your review into consideration. Also the dialog parts are a little hard to know when to make it into paragraphs. I am definitely open to suggestions on that if you could give any. Again thanks for the feed back and I will try to post chapter 2 as son as I can.
There are some errors in this so try to bear with me:)