Published November 8, 2009
As I stare into your eyes,
the color of the open sea.
I'm lost now in your world,
AS you slowly drag me in ...
You are the master,
And I am the puppet.
The words you speak,
are from an Angels Hymn.
These Hypnotizing words,
Are what make me fall for you
<3 <3
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
I don't really like this poem but that's my opinion on the poem. It flows well but the poem doesn't get my attention. I think that there needs to be more to the poem. more to do with the angel's eye and how they make you freeze. how you melted when they meet yours'.
So, I think you have the potential of being a wonderful poet. It seems like you love to write poetry, and I applaud you for that.
On the other hand, it seems as though you do not spend very much time on your works, which leads me to believe you aren't as passionate as you seem. Do you get me?
I suggest, before posting any more poems, that you proofread, make sure you aren't absentmindedly compying anyone elses work, and come up with your own original lines! I will be waiting for that poem of yours that leaves me awestruck.
~Classy
Nice, but I don't think it has much of a rhythm and is a bit boring.. Spice it up a bit!
Thanks you guys this helped alot lol i wrote this at two in the morning so i wasnt expecting it to be perfect. ill work on it some more then revise it on here thanks again (:
Hello! This has potential, it just isn't very strong at the moment. First, a few niggly things: I think the elipses at the end of the fourth line are unnecessary. Also, you capitalise some words unnecesarily - angel's (which needs an apostrophe), hymn and hypnotising.
There are a lot of different ideas in this poem - the master and puppet relationship, the sea and being lost in the world, feeling hypnotised. If I look closely I can see that all of these do fall under a particular theme - feeling out of control of the situation. I think you need to make this theme, if that's the message you want to send, stronger by linking all of these things so that they're more meaningful. If that's not what you were going for, just think about what it is that you are ultimately trying to say with this piece and work towards it. Good luck!
Now now Galerius. This work isn't necessarily bad. It's quite fixable.
He is right when he says this is a cliche though. What I think you should do is use the word 'open' to make it better. You should base a whole stanza on why you put the word open there. (I hope its not for syllables!) Like how she opened herself up to you or that her sea-like eyes are causing you to drown (but in a good way;).Typo dearie:)
I suggest that you make your poem longer, so that you can describe, in depth, your love for this person. Make your readers understand the connection between you two.
This poem totally has some potential! Keep working on it and it will go far!
If you have any questions, or just want to talk, pm me!
-Emma
Hi darthmaul1001,
I hope that you are new to poetry, because this was bad.
First of all, comparing eyes to oceans is cliche. Disclaimer: When one says "cliche", this in no way implies that the object in question can never be used; it implies that the object is used so often and wrongly that it is best left alone. Unfortunately, you haven't managed to put any new spin on this age-old description. Furthermore, why does the sea's openness have anything to do with what you're talking about? It's vague and should be elaborated on or gotten rid of.
None of this is interesting. Lost in a world, master/puppet relationship, angels, hypnotism...you put together a conglomeration of ideas without bothering to connect them together or electrify them with imagery of some kind, any kind. That is what you must first work on. Describe these things as much as each deserves respectively; then, use devices and metaphors that relate to each other so the poem seems unified to the reader's mind and not simply a soup of foggy ideas.
Also, never put hearts at the end of any piece unless it's extremely personal - which it may be, but as the reader on an online forum has no way of noting that, it's tacky. Take it out.
Hope that helped,
Galerius