Hidden Secrets

I agree with the first post. The ryhme does sound a bit forced, and to me, it's hard to figure out what this poem is trying to portray. But, I do love the way this was written, and I look foreward to reading some of your new works! ~*Cheez_Burger*~

Hi! This is interesting. I like how you started it, though I'm not sure what you meant by the last two lines of the first stanza. In the second stanza, you mention sadness and I would like to know more about why the narrator is unhappy. You use description well in this stanza though, so I like it. I quite like the last stanza as well. I guess I would like to know more about who the narrator is talking to and why he is saying those things/feels that way. Good job apart from that though.

OK thanks for the help Guys (:

darthmaul1001 wrote:Glistening eyes and bemused glances,
Are small clues toward my hidden secret.
You had your fair shake, but missed the threshold,
To memories that could have been.

I like this stanza, it gets me thinking.

Every trace of joy is hindered with sadness.
All of my smiles remain in vain.
My emotions extinguished,
As if a lid has been put on all existence,
In order to hide scars,
From the battles still not won.

A little confused at the combination of these lines but I still like them semi-individually.

I mellow down and stare,
Perplexed, for you’re proud,
Of my perseverance, and strength.
You hope and you pray,
That from this path I shall not stray,
And to endure it all,
Until I’ve reached my full potential.

I like the positive ending but it felt more told than expressed if you get my drift. I also think that those two lines that rhyme feel a bit forced but it adds a nice emphasis.

Hey, Kally here.

Okay, positive, I love it. It is a really beautiful poem.

Unforutonatly,

You hope and you pray,That from this path I shall not stray,