I am a bloody, blackened, beaten angel
With nothing left but tattered wings and a broken halo
I've been dragged from hell, tearing away from my nightmares
I scream at the darkness 'cause I've been told o one cares
I've cried so much, I've started tearing blood
Now I hear voices saying I'll never be loved
Just put the barrel to my head
pull the trigger, soon enough I'll be dead
Just put the razor to my skin
I won't be able to let anyone else in
Just swallow a few more than yesterday
If anyone actually cares, they won't see any pain
You don't see how hard it is to let someone in after being left behind
So now my pulse is slowing, I'm being erased from time
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Poetry! Dogs here with your review today! Very nice piece you have here. It is strong in emotion and has some good imagery and description, but I do have a couple nit picks really quick:
So this poem is good, don't be me wrong, because of the strong emotion that you really pour in here, which is good but you need even more. Your goal as the writer when writing an emotional piece is to make the reader feel what you or your character feels. In this case what you feel. You want the reader to feel his own heart break for you and your sorrows. If you do that then you have accomplished your goal. This poem does have good emotion which is a start but is lacking a lot. One of your really good lines is:
"I've cried so much, I've started tearing blood"
That is an example of great emotion that you put in there because as a result of your strong heart break this is what happened, in this case you are crying blood. You have mixed strong emotion along with imagery to create a heart breaking image which is what you want to apply to the entirety of your poem.
Now on a writing and grammar point of view, I suggest you add more in here lol. You should really put in periods and not capitalize the beginning of every line, to me that just throws off the rhythm and it doesn't really look good. The capitalizing isn't a big thing but the periods is really important. It will make your poem flow a lot better.
Furthermore, when you are rhyming i highly, highly, highly suggest that you do not use the long lines that you have written this poem with. Firstly it is difficult for the reader to pick up on the fact that you actually were rhyming. It took me until the second time reading this through to realize that you were actually rhyming. You should break some of these lines in half even though it would throw off your rhyming scheme. Thats ok, A lot of the best poems don't use rhyming.
Well all and all this piece was good but it has room to be great! Keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I love you use of alliteration with 'bloody, blackened, and beaten', but I must say the word 'broken' looks a tad awkward when you put it together with halo. That's just me, but any synonym for that word would look fine. The first two lines as a whole are a strong starting line.
Soaring doesn't really pair up with nightmares very well, don't you think? I'd switch that word out with another word for being dragged.
I think 'screech' might work a little bit better than scream, and the following line might be rearranged to say something like 'My eyes shed tears of blood, for I've cried myself to death'
rather than 'saying', one might find it more eerie to say 'whispered' or 'hissed'.
'soon enough i'll be dead' sounds very awkward and forced since your looking to rhyme with head. I'd consider revising.
I enjoyed the rest of the poem, and i thought your lines had good idea behind them. I think you could really have a better rhythm and sound to your poem if you just fix the words so they flow better and try to enhance your vocabulary usage.
Overall, I liked the poem and would love to see what you do with it if you do consider revising. Happy writing!