The path
I misplaced my happiness
so I took the dagger
and started searching
for that lost treasure.
The road that I was on
had been covered
with trails of many other
broken, shattered souls.
Years have passed
before the epiphany
thunderously struck me.
Elsewhere, I would be trapped,
not here, on the road to fortune.
I waited so long
for the puzzle to get solved.
Now, when it finally is,
I feel empty...
Sudden try of prayer
drowned in sea of tears.
Like hell, I run away
And found myself
In a circle of disbeliefs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
this is very intersting.id thought id give you a review.
your poem is a bit confusing.it looks like you go on this path..and your searching for somthing..but on the road you lose yourself and never find what you are looking for right?or maybe you did...but you still lost yourself
so in the end you had much more to look for than at the begaining.lol maybe you should of stayed home..
also your very blunt in the first line..its like BAMM im not happy....okkkk than
no but i liked it maybe its a bit shallow but its nice
Thank you all. I really have problems with those minor mistakes in every my poem....
This was a great poem. I just found a few mistakes I'd like to point out first...
Okay, I'm not a grammar specialist but I think that should be 'on road to fortune.In a circle of disbeliefs.
Anyway, those are just minor mistakes that threw my momentum off while I read this. There was flow in the poem. I read in the other reviews that shifting suddenly from a four line stanza to a three line stanza bothers them but it's fine to me. The flow of your poem isn't destroyed by it.
Hey there.
couple of mistakes, i'll list them:
the third and sixth stanza are only three lines. the rest are four...i would suggest adding another line to each of these.
in the fourth stanza, second line you need to add the word "the" between "on road"
in the fifth stanza, second line you say, "i fill empty..." that makes no sense. it should be "i feel empty"
in the sixth stanza the last line says, "in circle of disbeliefs" it should say, "in a circle of disbeliefs"
It's about me...that was logic, isn't it? BTW, I'm stil searching for that right way....
Hey there Darko! June here, and I shall review this for you today. So, this is called "path of casts", but as we read through the poem, it almost tells nothing about being bandaged or anything related to casts to be exact. So to speak, the title doesn't actually fit.
.
I understand that this poem was supposed to have short lines without any extra words in them, but I do think that "The" should be critical here. It should be The road that I was on, For the puzzle to be solved, and so on, because it kind of leaves the reader figuring would word belongs there and it becomes a bit bothersome
I think you should re-write this in stanzas. Group somethings together to make this work. For now, it seems a little too odd and iffy to be good. It irks me. Maybe it's because you begin every line in capital and leave out punctuation in some spots... I don't know, but not to sound rude or against your poem, there is something wrong here.
In your eleventh line you have a space before your period; I'm sure it was just a typo, but remember not to space before punctuation. In the last line, I believe you meant "disbelievers" instead of "disbelieves".
Overall, it was a bit confusing. I believe it's about someone who loses the right way and seeks to find it, but can't?
Just remember to clarify your images by using proper wording. Revise your poem by reading it aloud and ask yourself, "How does this sound?" Believe me, it helps a lot.
It has potential! Keep writing!
xxJune