Behold! Behold the beast
for It is the nature's prince.
Behold! Behold the creature
that makes the psychotic wince:
Fearless demonic eyes
and claws that unwind.
Careless for the men
and skeletons It leaves behind.
Ruling the world of shadows
the beast spreads it’s seed.
Fighting against the others
It makes lead, lead and lead!
It never stops,
even if it's the end.
With the blood as drops
It defends its stand.
It never falls,
never from a gun.
When It hears a call,
It starts to run...
Behold, behold!
It's a nature’s beast.
If you fall to ground,
say goodbye at least.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is just one "element" of nature, wilderness, not the whole nature.
Thanks for review.
Hiya darko.demark666!
Since I am now finishing the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^
I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.
Element: You seem to have chosen a nondescript element instead of going for something specific. This was alright, considering how loose I was with the guidelines. However, I wanted something that showed Nature's wonders. I had a hard time seeing that here. It seems you're going after the raw power of Nature and how it defends, but it's hard to tell.
Originality: This was original, I'll say that much. Just be sure to explain your originality in the future so everybody gets it, okay?
Structure: You had a nice, consistent flow here, and an okay rhyme scheme. However, I found you didn't go deep enough into the ideas to make this nice and clear. Right now, you're portraying Nature as something demonic, when with just a little tweaking, it could be Nature as a defender.
You have some interesting ideas in here. With a little expansion, this would be something with a deep message.
~Rosey
Anyway, in the 3rd to the last stanza end and stand don't rhyme. Try to stay consistent. You rhymed in all the other stanzas so hopefully this one would rhyme as well.
This is for Rosey's contest? Well then the element you're depicting here is the beast right? This is quite good. Since it pretty much captures the savagery of the wild. So overall, this is pretty good. I do believe there's room for improvement though.
The repetition of lead didn't work too well. Also I think your ending was rather weak. The rest of the poem was strong and wild and filled with attitude but it really dies down in the last two lines.
Anyway, 'tis another good poem from you. Keep writing.
--Knightly
Edited! Thank you very "nice"...haha...oh..Evi
Hiya Darko, I'm Evi and I shall take a look at your poem today. I see it's an entry for Rosey's contest?
Okay. So, priest is very random. Where did that come? Maybe that would work if you'd been rambling on about religion or priests or the guidance of souls to heaven, but this is the first mention of anything of the sort and it's rather jarring.
Rhyming is good. However, rhyming does not fix all of your poems problems. If you have a line that you need to rhyme with, you can't just stick any random old phrase in there just because it works. That's called 'fluff', or, for a more sophisticated term, 'filler words'. Words with no apparent meaning besides to even up the rhythym or provide a rhyme.
Your rhyme means mothing if it doesn't make sense. Remember that, and if you can't find anything to rhyme with what you want, you might be better off not rhyming at all.
So, this is good. You have certain phrases that really pop out and give us a mental image, but your overall message can be lacking at times. So, we have the gruesome beast. However, we never figure out what it is. It's one thing to have a mystery, but it's another thing to never answer the main question. You don't have to go out and say-- "It's a fruit fly" or anything, but hinting about its threatening buzzing noise or disgusting wings will help us visualize your beast.
Also, I don't think it would hurt you to either lengthen your lines or add another stanza or two. We could use more information. Is there anything good about this creature? It's protrayed as a horrible beast, so obviously the author is cautious of it, but does it demand respect? Why?
Questions, questions m'dear. Hope this was helpful!
~Evi