Young Writers Society

Rosey Unicorn wrote:
Right now, you're portraying Nature as something demonic, when with just a little tweaking, it could be Nature as a defender.

~Rosey

Hiya darko.demark666!

Since I am now finishing the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^

I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.

Element: You seem to have chosen a nondescript element instead of going for something specific. This was alright, considering how loose I was with the guidelines. However, I wanted something that showed Nature's wonders. I had a hard time seeing that here. It seems you're going after the raw power of Nature and how it defends, but it's hard to tell.

Originality: This was original, I'll say that much. Just be sure to explain your originality in the future so everybody gets it, okay?

Structure: You had a nice, consistent flow here, and an okay rhyme scheme. However, I found you didn't go deep enough into the ideas to make this nice and clear. Right now, you're portraying Nature as something demonic, when with just a little tweaking, it could be Nature as a defender.

You have some interesting ideas in here. With a little expansion, this would be something with a deep message.

~Rosey

darko.demark666 wrote:Behold! Behold the beast
for It is the nature's prince.
Behold! Behold the creature
that makes the unique wince: (Unique? I'm sure you can find a better word for this. Fearless maybe? Brave? wait, not fearless you used it in the second stanza but unique really doesn't match. Cause here you're saying that it makes Unique things wince. I believe "the brave wince" will better.)

Fearless demonic eyes
and claws that unwind.
Careless for the men
and skeletons It leaves behind.

Ruling the world of shadows
the beast spreads it’s seed.
Fighting against the others
It makes lead, lead and lead!

It never stops,
even if it's the end.
With the blood as drops
It defends its stand.

It never falls,
never from a gun.
When It hears a call,
It starts to run...

Behold, behold!
It's a nature’s beast.
If you fall to ground
say goodbye at least.

Edited! Thank you very "nice"...haha...oh..Evi

Hiya Darko, I'm Evi and I shall take a look at your poem today. I see it's an entry for Rosey's contest?

Behold! Behold [s]of[/s] the beast The 'of' is not grammatically correct, dear.
for It is the nature's prince.
Behold! Behold[s] of [/s]the creature Ditto.
that makes this scary wince:

'This scary wince' seems a bit immature to me. It's just not all that powerful. You might want to consider re-wording this to give more of that extra 'oomph', you know?

Fearless demonic eyes Nice image here.
and coils that unwind. Coils of what? Hair? If so, you'll need to clarify.
Careless for the men
and skeletons It lefts behind. It 'leaves' behind, dear. Or 'left' behind.

Ruling the world of shadows
the beast spreads it’s seeds.
Fighting against the others
It makes lead, lead and lead!

I'm not too fond of the repetition, I'm afraid to say. It's obvious that you used it only to lengthen your line so to fit with the rhythym and rhyme, and I think you might want to be a bit more subtle. There are many things that rhyme with 'seed' that you can work into this line to fit with rhythym and rhyme. [url=Rhymes with Seed.]http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_rhymes_with_seed[/url]

It never stops;
neither in the end. This semi-colon and neithe doesn't work in this phrase, sorry. To use a semi-colon you must have two complete sentences on either side, and your 'neither' is supposed to compare two things. This has no comparison.
As the blood heartless drops Say what? What does this mean?
It defends it’s stand. No apostraphe, dear.

It never falls;
never from a gun. Hm...I'm not sure what you mean by this.
When It hears a call,
It hits a run... You don't 'hit a run'. You can 'hit the ground running, or start to run. And these ellipses are unnecessary, methinks.

Behold, behold
[s]of a [/s]nature’s beast; Perhaps replace 'of a' with 'it is'
It’s a murderer,
not a priest!