All the time spent for thee
was wasted, you ugly bitch;
hope you'll die before me,
go to hell, you fucking witch.
When you are choking,
I'm the apple in your throat;
I will be poking,
I will sink your rusty boat.
Bitch, take the rain coat,
Cause I'll force your sun to rain.
Just for you, old goat-
I will be winning again!
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
For your math teacher. haha. I'd love to send this as a Valentine's gift for moi Algebra teacher as well.
Anyway, to review this poem: perfect swear words!
Oh and shouldn't sank in the second stanza be sink? I'm not sure though, just to make it parallel with the rest of the poem.
Love the ending. Wait... it's not done yet? Ok, love the ending now but probably you shall make it better?:)
Hello! I'm Colt, I'd also like to review the finished work too.
You did rate your work! I'm happy and proud on that. Looking all around, I'd say 90% of YWS don't rate their own work!
Oh, by golly, the cuss words were brilliantly used! I have read much work here with cuss words. I agree, in the first stanza change "snitch" to "witch." The flow is much better. I also agree with Forever on the second stanza and last line. The flow and rhythm are much better if you change it; make it more iambic.
I see you used a lot of alliteration and rhyming. Good job! I love to see rhyming, not very many poems do lately.
Most grammar was correct, except spelling (Forever pointed those out), punctuation, and rhythm (due to the syllables).
I liked it, but mention why you hate your teacher and who this is. You aren't doing your job as a writer if you have to explain your writing to the readers.
I agree; math teachers can really suck. Mine piles on homework for us like there is no tomorrow. But math is super easy, so it evens out. But I understand, generally math teachers suck.
-Colt
Lol...thanks for review, when I finish the poem, I'll PM you to review more-now you got to do that. Haha!
You're not done. Does that mean I shouldn't review it yet? Oh well. Too late.
• Haha. This poem sounds so liberating.
• "Burn in hell" would also work...
• I don't think that "snitch" would work in this context. It know it rhymes well with "bitch" but really, it's not the right word. "witch" would work and it still rhymes. Just "snitch" means something that doesn't have anything to do with what you were previously saying. Otherwise, good beginning. It introduces the topic well.
• The second stanza is off. Syllable issues... Try perhaps, "When you are choking, I'm the apple in your throat." That way, they are generally similar in syllable patterns.
• Also, by saying "I'll be the apple in your throat," you are breaking the previous present participle.
• "Wining" should maybe be "winning."
• The last line seems very off. To get it back on track and running to the end, you could add either more syllables to the second line, or less to the last. That way you'd even it out and the iambic pentameter would be smooth once more.
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I've had terrible experiences with my algebra teachers. They are merciless with the homework, and just plain awful.
I think though, you should mention this lady being your math teacher. You shouldn't have to explain that all in your title. For the reader to figure it out during the read would be better.
And that's it. I feel your pain.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody