Published January 8, 2008
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,454 Reviews
Hey!
It looks like you're sortofish new to YWS, so welcome to it! Before anyone critiques your story, I'd suggest you use some punctuation and make this a lot longer. This doesn't count as a story (it's only a paragraph), and before I continue, I'd like to see a bit longer version. I'd be happy to give it a proper critique then.
Hint: dialogue is useful, along with capitalizing the beginning of your sentences.
Wiggy