Published March 9, 2008
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,454 Reviews
Nice poem. I personally like "The Breakfast Club" better. You have a real nack for writing poetry.
Nicely done my friend!
*gives round of applause*
Here are a few quotes:
After this sentence I think that you should have just ended it with a comma then continued to the next, okay?
After the comma, I think that it would sound better if you had put a "and".
This is what you wrote:
Floating over their shells, a grey angel
And this is what you should have written to make it sound nicer and so it can have more flow:
Floating over their shells, an angel so grey
I liked the poem over all and if you did this without much thought then that's pretty awesome!
shanan-cat!
Thanks everyone for commenting. the rhyming was actually accidental didn't realize I was rhyming until after I proof read.
My one issue with this is the rhyming. You've got a fair rhyming scheme at the beginning, and the words are reasonable well chosen, but it drops off less than half way through. That makes for really awkward sounds
I also agree with loveablelittlesock, it's not clear exactly what happened.
But it is a good start. Keep it up.
I really liked this part. I think it is the best section of the poem, the image it just conjures up, of family members walking around in various states of denial.
I began to get a little confused here, but I thought maybe I still knew what was going on. Is the mother beginning to break down under the pressure after her child has died?
And here I lost it. the images change entirely. They are still beautiful - your language in this poem is great - but I wasn't sure how they tied in to the rest of the poem's story.
I'm not sure about your rhyme scheme. The first two lines rhyme, then that's it. If you are going to have things rhyme, you're going to need to have more rhyming than the first two. If you didn't intend for the poem to rhyme, you should somehow get rid of that rhyming (different word choice or something) because it will lead readers onto a false impression.
Anyway, I liked this poem. I was a little confused by it, but I really did like it. Very nice job.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
The last time someone died.
Everybody cried, then everyone lied.
Lied to themselves of what really happened.
The perfect one--The unexpected--The lonely one.
What's done is done, the mother can't take it.
Her smiles weren't smiles, her little deaths weren't real
She managed to fake it.
Floating over their shells, a grey angel
Guardian of the wasteland.
Protector of the valley of ashes.
Drifter of a land she can never return.
Woah.
I sort of don't get what happened, but I really like this poem. So the mother faked her daughters death or something? Anyway, really great poem. The flow is great and you should change nothing at all. KEEP WRITING!
Hey, this was pretty good!
Just a couple of things with the punctuation.
Should this have a period after it? This isn't a complete sentence.
Again, I don't think this is a complete sentence.
I think there should be a period after this line.
Comma?
Again, great job!
-Sometimes-