Published January 9, 2008
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,455 Reviews
her death is more of a metaphor.
i thought it was great but what killed her?
I liked it a lot; however, the first sentence I think is a run-on. I'm not really sure what it means either. Can you talk a little bit more clearly? Maybe about different kinds of pests and their characeristics, and then the school pests.
WOW, how dark, harsh, and lovely! You've really got something fantastic going there!
A few little grammar comments, but otherwise I think it's marvelous
These two sentences are run-ons. The second one is confusing every time I read it...see if you can clear that up a bit.
My favorite lines
This isn't a complete thought, so you either need to find a way to connect it with the previous sentence, or add something to make it coherent.
I fixed this up a little bit, but I still think you should correct the "it in her" part...doesn't really flow well.
Like I said, truly marvelous and poetic. One of my favorite things I've seen on this site so far.
revisisons have been made!!!!
I liked it very much. I captured my attention like a story should. Please write more. Excellent work! See you at school.
Hmmm... so much to say.
First, I LOVE the opening. It is grasping and almost a societal commentary on what we are turning into. It's BEAUTIFUL.
Second, "depressing blues and suicide greens" ... amazing. I thought that was extremely poetic and it really grips at the darker side of you.
Third, blooning romance with a dead girl, quite interesting? lol.
Fourth, some of the grammer needs to be fixed, but I still think it's beautiful.
Examples:
I love this sentence, but I have no clue what VD is (I assume it's a STD, lol). Not a grammer error, just a question.
Fifth, I think you should make a title, even if it is temporary. People like titles and are more inclined to read something if it has a title!
Overall, I like it a lot, just need to edit the writing a bit. I'd love to read more, so do me a favor and write some more!!