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Points: 2570
Reviews: 245

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Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:49 am

LowKey wrote a review...

Hi, Dove!

:shock: Wow. This was... wow. It was interesting. It's not so often I read a story like this, so I think that amplified the effect of it. However, there were so many typos that the effect was some what diminished. The story as a whole was good. The way it was quickly typed... meh.

Go through and re-read it. It'll do wonders, trust me. Fire up there was one in a million in that she actually read it through and caught most of the typos and pointed them out to you. Most people would simply tell you to read through it -- like I'm doing. :razz:

Bella screams her lungs out at night, claiming she hears whispering and a little girl giggling in her ears.

I think this could be reworded (if that wasn't a word before, it is now) to sound better. The 'screams her lungs out' part makes it sound like a joke. Perhaps if you got rid of that part...

Bella screams at night, claiming she hears whispering and a little girl giggling in her ears.

*shrugs* Just what I think, but I think that it look better that way.

Bella started to chant. “It’s probably June.” No its not, she’s laying in the hallway – dead.” Bella chuckled

One of these needs to go. :razz:

Points: 1836
Reviews: 245

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Wed Dec 19, 2007 2:23 am

Firearris wrote a review...

Hi Dove! Thanks for spacing it out, here are my commets:

Charles and Bella Carter were new to the neighbor of Jacklyn

This doesn't make very much sense....

smiled. “It’s nice to have some new neighbors. I am Mrs.Bleecher.”

Try this:

smiled.

“It’s nice to have some new neighbors. I am Mrs. Bleecher.”

Mrs.Blucher

I thought it was Mrs. Bleecher.....

“She’s very shy.”

put it a line down.

“Well I should let you get back to your moving you Good Day.”

Put it a line down.

June waved back because the man had blue hair and wore strange clothing.

I don't think I would wave at a man like that....

“June get down here, now.”

put it a line down.

“Yes mommy.”

put it a line down.

“I didn't’t mommy, honest.”

Try: didn't

new friends David.

friend

I told not to play

Try: I told him not to play

didn't’t

didn't

Bella the ribbons back in its box and sighed.

try: Bella put the ribbons back into their box and sighed.

you know how June gets she likes her lonesome.

try: You know hoe June gets, she likes her lonesome.

Bella concerned and

Try: "Bella was concerned" or try "Bella looked concerned"

.”June

try ." June

Edna,

I thought Bella was June's mother.

where are your manners leave a

try: where are your manners? Leave at once.

didn't’t

didn't

life out

life was out

daughters’

daughter's

would 23

would be 23

This was a VERY creepy story! But I liked it! I think you did good on this story and I also help this critique helps you! Good luck!

Firearris

Points: 1836
Reviews: 245

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Sun Dec 16, 2007 3:24 am

Firearris says...

Hi dove! I think you need to space out paragraph seven a bit more. After you do that, PM me and I will crit it for you.

Firearris