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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Dove!
Wow. This was... wow. It was interesting. It's not so often I read a story like this, so I think that amplified the effect of it. However, there were so many typos that the effect was some what diminished. The story as a whole was good. The way it was quickly typed... meh.
It'll do wonders, trust me. Fire up there was one in a million in that she actually read it through and caught most of the typos and pointed them out to you. Most people would simply tell you to read through it -- like I'm doing. 
Go through and re-read it.
I think this could be reworded (if that wasn't a word before, it is now) to sound better. The 'screams her lungs out' part makes it sound like a joke. Perhaps if you got rid of that part...
*shrugs* Just what I think, but I think that it look better that way.
One of these needs to go.
Hi Dove! Thanks for spacing it out, here are my commets:
This doesn't make very much sense....Try this:
smiled.
“It’s nice to have some new neighbors. I am Mrs. Bleecher.”
I thought it was Mrs. Bleecher.....
put it a line down.
Put it a line down.
I don't think I would wave at a man like that....
put it a line down.
put it a line down.
Try: didn't
friend
Try: I told him not to play
didn't
try: Bella put the ribbons back into their box and sighed.
try: You know hoe June gets, she likes her lonesome.
Try: "Bella was concerned" or try "Bella looked concerned"
try ." June
I thought Bella was June's mother.
try: where are your manners? Leave at once.
didn't
life was out
daughter's
would be 23
This was a VERY creepy story! But I liked it! I think you did good on this story and I also help this critique helps you! Good luck!
Firearris
Hi dove! I think you need to space out paragraph seven a bit more. After you do that, PM me and I will crit it for you.
Firearris
liked it! Keep writing.
space this out and i'll read it
plus....you might want to rate it, 'cause from what I read....it sounds pretty dark-ish