Flower Bud

by darkangelLouise
  • February 20, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Narrative

People,we often gets blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes. We sometimes fail to see the goodness behind their faces. It causes us to have wrong ideas of a person. We only look at the outside and never even think about what's the inside.
But it is wrong to think like that. People are like a small flower bud that is fragile. With just a wrong handling it might die but when given enough attention and care that small flower bud will grow into a beautiful flower.
Shall the clouds became clear and shall we see the beauty we fail to see.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Layla
Review
Layla wrote a review · Sun Feb 21, 2010 6:07 am

Whatever. Even for a newbie, you're still good. Don't change anything, just make you're corrections for grammar. I know TheNewHero is just trying to be helpful, but leave it how you want.
Aaanyways, I love this.! It makes you think about society and stuff like that.

User avatar
LookUpThere
Review
LookUpThere wrote a review · Sat Feb 20, 2010 2:57 pm

I see you're new so... Welcome, to the good life! Now, I'm going to review this poem today. Sit back and enjoy.

Firstly, I think you should have done this in true poetic form. Each new sentence is a new line. So your story could have looked something like this:

darkangelLouise wrote:People, we often gets blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes.
We sometimes fail to see the goodness behind their faces.
It causes us to have wrong ideas of a person.
We only look at the outside and never even think about what's the inside.
But it is wrong to think like that.

People are like a small flower bud that is fragile.
With just a wrong handling it might die,
But when given enough attention and care that small flower bud will grow into a beautiful flower.
Shall the clouds became clear and shall we see the beauty we fail to see.


Then, there are some grammatical errors in your poem:
darkangelLouise wrote:People,we often #FF0000 ">gets blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes.

Remember to leave a space after a comma. This should be:
darkangelLouise wrote:People, we often get blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes.


I suggest you read through this out loud, see what sounds right and not.

Then, your wording. Personally I loved your words. You didn't use abbreviation much and that made it seem more fragile and honest if that makes sense, it does in my mind and a compliment's a compliment. But I have one complaint...

darkangelLouise wrote:People, we often get blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes.
We sometimes fail to see the goodness behind their faces.

"Thier" really got me up at first. I was confused. Your sentences should support each other, or else depart entirely. I'd rather it be:
darkangelLouise wrote:People, we often get blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes.
We sometimes fail to see the goodness behind others faces.


I think your simile to a flower bud was beautiful, because I've killed one myself :smt109
You talk about People (Which is plural) and then about handling a bud (Singular). This confuses your sentence. Also, if you want to keep the fragile imagery, I would suggest saying Person instead. Cause it brings to mind a kindergarten boy...

-----------------

Complaints:
Grammar Check, Sentence Structures, you could have used more fitting words and that's it. I might have written your poem like this:

darkangelLouise wrote:People, we often get blinded by the #800000 ">fog of our own likes and dislikes.
We fail to see the goodness in others, the goodness behind their faces...
It causes us to have wrong ideas of a person.
We only look at the outside and never even think about what is inside.
But it is wrong to think like that.

A person are like a small flower bud that is fragile.
With wrong handling he or she might die,
But when given enough attention and care that #FF40FF ">small flower bud will grow into a beautiful, bright flower that draws smiles across the world.
Shall the clouds became clear and shall we see the beauty we fail to see.


-----------
Praise:

Your wording was very good.
Short and Sweet, that pays off with a poem like this :)
Nice Comparison

------------
Last Tip:
I mgiht add a season. "A flower bud in winter..." What do you think?
------------

This has been a review by TheNewHero. Any questions, contact me. Welcome to YWS. You can always call... TheHero :superman: :roll:



"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery