Published February 20, 2010
People,we often gets blinded by the clouds of our own likes and dislikes. We sometimes fail to see the goodness behind their faces. It causes us to have wrong ideas of a person. We only look at the outside and never even think about what's the inside.
But it is wrong to think like that. People are like a small flower bud that is fragile. With just a wrong handling it might die but when given enough attention and care that small flower bud will grow into a beautiful flower.
Shall the clouds became clear and shall we see the beauty we fail to see.
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Canary word: Present
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Whatever. Even for a newbie, you're still good. Don't change anything, just make you're corrections for grammar. I know TheNewHero is just trying to be helpful, but leave it how you want.
Aaanyways, I love this.! It makes you think about society and stuff like that.
I see you're new so... Welcome, to the good life! Now, I'm going to review this poem today. Sit back and enjoy.
Firstly, I think you should have done this in true poetic form. Each new sentence is a new line. So your story could have looked something like this:
Then, there are some grammatical errors in your poem:
Remember to leave a space after a comma. This should be:
I suggest you read through this out loud, see what sounds right and not.
Then, your wording. Personally I loved your words. You didn't use abbreviation much and that made it seem more fragile and honest if that makes sense, it does in my mind and a compliment's a compliment. But I have one complaint...
"Thier" really got me up at first. I was confused. Your sentences should support each other, or else depart entirely. I'd rather it be:
I think your simile to a flower bud was beautiful, because I've killed one myself
You talk about People (Which is plural) and then about handling a bud (Singular). This confuses your sentence. Also, if you want to keep the fragile imagery, I would suggest saying Person instead. Cause it brings to mind a kindergarten boy...
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Complaints:
Grammar Check, Sentence Structures, you could have used more fitting words and that's it. I might have written your poem like this:
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Praise:
Your wording was very good.
Short and Sweet, that pays off with a poem like this
Nice Comparison
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Last Tip:
I mgiht add a season. "A flower bud in winter..." What do you think?
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This has been a review by TheNewHero. Any questions, contact me. Welcome to YWS. You can always call... TheHero