The lioness is my guardian
I am her watch
The Wolf is your keeper
You are his sheep
I creep in to see you play with your Wolf
The lioness pulls me back
I scream out to you
But you dont hear me until it is too late
You arrive to see me sitting there
with teeth marks in my skin
You pull me up and say in my ear
Dont Worry Im here now
The lioness pounces on you
But your Wolf stands in front of us
You hold me close and whisper
Hold on Angel close your eyes
I hold on to you and
You say have no fear
The lioness falls to the ground in pain
I do the Same you see the chain
she has me on and you cut it
Saying You are an angel not
A beast Come with me and Rain
and be Forever free is the last word you said to me.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hello, hello. Nice to meet ya.
I'm Knightly.
It is intellectual and very meaningful as well because you can interpret it in any way you want.
Is this poem religious in essence? Not that it matters though. It just suddenly sprung to my head when I read the line with sheep. Random, I know. Anyway, I shall review.
First, punctuation would be exceedingly helpful. It doesn't seem like it matters at first but it's a powerful tool in literature. You can use it to improve your rhythm or to draw emphasis to certain aspects of your poetry. Also the lack of punctuation makes this confusing. You don't get where one part ends and the other begins.
'Tis a very good concept and you tell it in such a manner that it lies open to interpretation. However, it is, as Poem said, rather bland because you simply tell us what's happening but not show us. This poem has very little life. In a way, it is like describing a powerful dance across the stage as something like 'they went across the stage'. You tell us what happened, but where's the poetry? Where's the image of their movement? You have to show it to us using your words.
The fact that part of this is in 2nd person also irks me. I'm not against 2nd person poetry at all but it just doesn't work here. It sounds like there's a director saying this poem aloud for someone to try to act out on stage or something.
However, work on the concept. And the fact that this is abstract will hold much strength. Abstract poems often topple the reader with it's sheer power.
Good luck, comrade. Keep writing.
--Knightly
Hi...
You have a good flow and captivating words, I found myself reading your poem to the end...
without understanding what you mean by the lioness being your guardian, the wolf and the sheep!
What do the animals symbolize? Other than the fact that its hard to get what you mean, it was well written!
This is a good abstract idea, but you are just telling me everything, and not showing me. Like right here in the beginning:
You aren't showing me anything; just telling me what you are. Try and describe what everything looks like. Also what is the scenery? Is it a mysterious night? Or a sunlight field? If you explain these things I think your poem will turn out a lot better!Keep up the good work,
~Poem
hmmmmm....That was interesting but a just a tad confusing! Who is this lioness and wolf and angel/beast? I like your topic as is and it flows neatly...But I would suggest giving a little more detail for the readers will not get confused or add a little note before the beginning starts to specify certain characters and who they portray! Thank you for the read!
♥ E