Cast:
Jainy - teenaged girl.
Tobias - teenaged boy.
Darren - teenaged boy, twin of Jainy.
Setting:
Rooftop balcony of Jainy and Darren's house.
Time:
Evening/twilight.
----
(Lights up on JAINY, sitting in a ball with her head on her knees. TOBIAS enters through a trapdoor next to her, only his head and shoulders visible.)
Tobias: May I join you?
Jainy: I suppose.
Tobias: (TOBIAS lifts himself out of the trapdoor, closing it and sitting down next to her.)
Why so snippy, Your Highness? Am I unfit to sit in your presence? Too lowly of a peasant to be graced with your illustrious beauty and charm?
Jainy: (SHE looks away, pretending she isn't smiling.)
Darren thinks so.
Tobias: Darren doesn't know anything.
Jainy: He's my brother. Of course he does.
(SHE turns away from him. TOBIAS grabs her shoulder and spins her back around to face him.)
Tobias: None of that, please. I want the real Jainy, not this one.
Jainy: (loftily) How should you know which one is real? You don't know me at all.
Tobias: Well, the real Jainy likes me. She's always happy to see me. She also doesn't give a rat's behind what her brother thinks, and she definitely knows that I know every single bit of her even better than she does.
Jainy: (smiling widely) You're right, you silly old bugger.
Tobias: (HE grins widely, hugging JAINY with one arm and leaving it there.)
There you are. I knew you were in there somewhere.
(JAINY smiles uncomfortably and looks away, as if hiding something.)
I know that look. What's wrong?
Jainy: Let's just say Kailey's had another episode.
Tobias: (sighing) What's she done this time?
(JAINY opens her mouth to say something, but DARREN enters through the trapdoor, forcing TOBIAS to schoot closer to her. DARREN, like TOBIAS earlier, stands with only his head and shoulders visible.)
Darren: Tobias? What are you doing here?
Tobias: (coolly) What business is it of yours?
Darren: My twin sister's well-being is every bit my business.
(HE looks at JAINY, raising his eyebrows.)
Jainy? Are you all right?
Jainy: (irritably) I bloody well am not. You know that.
Darren: (sighing) I mean, do you want this rifraff up here infecting your space, or shhall I remove him from the area?
Tobias: I think you'll find it difficult to "remove" me, Darren, if you'll remember the last time.
Darren: (unfazed) Jainy?
Jainy: Of course I want him here. Now, what did you come for?
Darren: (HE lifts himself out of the trapdoor, scooting as far away from TOBIAS as possible.)
I wanted to tell you something about our sister's... conditio, but I don't want him knowing anything.
Tobias: (HE takes his arm from around JAINY to roll up his sleeves menacingly.)
That's it, you're dead.
Jainy: (restraining him) Tobias.
(HE reluctantly sits back down, taking JAINY's hand.)
I'm going to tell him later anyway, so you might as well.
Darren: Fine. Mum's tried to convince Kailey to attend this crap therapy group called Rehab Done Right, and she's thrown another fit. You probably heard that, though.
Jainy: (frightened) What's she broken now?
Darren: The vase Aunt Mary gave to Mum on her wedding day.
Tobias: (muttering) Which wedding?
Darren: (HE clenches his fists and glares at TOBIAS.)
If not for Jainy, I'd be punching you right now, you disgraceful son of a...
Tobias: (cheerfully) I know.
Jainy: Will you two just shut up for two seconds? God!
(SHE rips her hand from TOBIAS' to put her head in her hands. He wraps his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder.)
Darren: (coldly) I see my work here is done.
(HE exits, slamming the trapdoor.)
Tobias: Shh. It's okay. I'm here.
Jainy: Why does he hate you so much?
Tobias: (sarcastically) Well, it might be because my father abused your mother within an inch of her life, but you never know. Maybe he's jealous of how much time I spend with you.
Jainy: But that's your father's fault, not yours!
Tobias: That may be true, but prejudices run deep.
(JAINY presses her face into TOBIAS' shoulder, crying. He kisses the top of her head, rocking her from side to side.)
Shh, you're fine, Jainy. I'm here. I love you.
Jainy: I know.
(Pause.)
I love you too.
Tobias: I know. I know. Shh.
(Curtain closes.)
FINIS
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well, this is certainly an interesting story. When does this take place? Parts of it sound old fashioned, like Victorian England. Other parts sound quite modern. Also, you need to do a little explaining. There was some talk of "last time" that didn't make sense to the reader. There seems to be a lot of background information that we are missing. Something about a father and a mother? A sister? And what is the relationship between Tobias and Jainy? Are they lovers or are they related? You need to do a lot of clarifying, but otherwise I thought that this was a good story.
On a general note, before I begin, cast lists generally include a brief description of the characters.
Urgh. The tones here are mismatched. It begins with an overly formal introductory speech that no teenager would use, anywhere, least of all with someone close to them. Her response is neither snappy or uppity and so his meant-to-be comical response falls flat and reads awkwardly.
Also, the action (bracketed) should be on separate lines to the dialogue
You only have to capitalise the names of characters when first introducing them, after that its back to normal and under no circumstances are gender-specifics 'he/she' capitalised.
What's with the overly formal tone? Are they in the middle ages? Did I miss the memo?
I don't think anyone would refer to their sister by their technical, biological relationship. By which I mean to say cut 'twin' -- sister will do fine.
This dialogue is terrible stilted and awkward. Why are you over complicating it? It's as though you're trying to write speech in a stylised, randomly formal manner - as though you think on stage it should be so unbelievably awkward. In fact, on stage, it needs to be all the more naturalistic - unless of course, its a ye olde adaptation of Shakespearean proportions.
condition.
Also, Tobias' reaction seems way over the top.
**
I got less than nothing from this. The dialogue was off, awkwardly structured and stilted and there seemed to be no plot whatsoever. It was a scene, not a play. Also, the character relationships were poorly portrayed I think. Tobias comes off more as a lover than a step-brother and his and Darren's relationship is just odd, seeming to fit more of the boyfriend-brother dislike than step-sibling rivalry.
And that's even if they are step-siblings - it wasn't all too clear. This needs a lot of work. I think you need to look up the proper format or layout of a theatrical piece. Also, you need to go over the spelling and punctuation.
Hope this helped,
Cheers