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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Pokemon Ultimate Evolution: Through The Middle, Episode 5: Bitten

by dark


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Magenta stifled a scream as a small amount blood began flowing from the side of neck. She squeezed my hands harder. I growled, the vibrations tearing into her neck even more. She finally released my hands, and I pulled back, licking the blood from my teeth. The taste made me reel, almost repelling me from Magenta.

"R-Ryan…" Magenta sputtered. "Say something…"

I walked over to the fountain and washed out my mouth… The taste… I had to get it out… I nearly drowned myself, dunking my mouth into the water and shaking my head violently. Magenta watched me, trying to forget the pain in he neck to no avail.

"What happened to you Ryan?" She coughed.

I snapped my head back at her with a feral snarl… A blue glow began pouring from my mouth. Magenta shut her eyes as a fired a Dragon Pulse at her. The blast blew a hole in the wall beside her. I bolted before she could her eyes.

----

The sounds of snapping vines startled Magenta. The blast disconnected the hedges in that area from the girl controlling them. The vines around Magenta's arms and legs loosened and she fell to the ground. She tried getting to her feet, only succeeding in getting on all fours. She went into a coughing fit, spitting out blood in larger amounts each time. Magenta rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. She started breathing quickly, losing control of herself.

"R-Ryan… What happened to you…" She thought.

"Magenta!" A voice called up. Shadows suddenly blocked the openings in the ceiling. They fell through and landed in the water in the fountain.  "Ah, damn that was longer than it looked!" Lavender hissed. "You okay, Faze?"

"She's… She's bleeding!" Faze yelled. He crawled out of the water and knelt by her side, completely stunned. "Magenta! Magenta, say something!"

Lavender gasped when she saw Magenta lying there. She lifted her into her lap and tried to calm her down.

"Magenta, you have to relax, you're losing too much blood." She tried to remain calm. "Look at me."

Magenta obeyed and stared at Lavender. "Good, good. Now, try and relax. Breath."

Faze was frozen. He just sat there as Lavender calmed Magenta. "You're okay, Magenta, you're okay…" Lavender sighed. "Faze, grab some of the big leaves from the fountain."

"O-Okay…" He obeyed. Lavender took the leaves and squeezed them, and then placed them against Magenta's neck. "Is that going to stop the bleeding?"

"It should…" Lavender said hollowly. "I don't know how long it's been since she was hurt…"

"You… You're amazing, Lavender." Faze breathed. "You knew exactly what to do… I just sat here frozen.

"Well, our mother used to be a part of a group called the Scouts." Lavender answered. "It's a family thing. We all learn how to deal with situations like this and defend ourselves. That is if we want to."

Faze brushed aside Magenta's hair. "Sounds great to have skills like that." He sighed.

"Well, we rarely need to use them, but it's a 'just incase' thing." Lavender explained. "I decided I wanted to at least have some of my mother's skills not just because I thought it was super cool, but… Well because…"

"Because of what?"

Lavender shook her head. "Because Ryan came along."

"You think he's dangerous?" Faze asked.

"Aldridge, I know he's dangerous." Lavender said. "But it's not him I'm worried about. It's the idiots who might try to target those close to him, because they can't hurt him directly."

"I guess, that makes sense." Faze answered. "But no one would be dumb enough to do that, right?"

"Oh I don't know." Lavender answered. "That little girl that did all of this might be out for him, who knows?"

"Oh…" Faze looked down at Magenta. She looked asleep. 

"Ryan…" Magenta coughed. "He's in trouble…"

Lavender sighed in relief. "It's so good to hear you speak. Looks like we got here in time after all. What do you mean?"

"Yeah, can't he take care of himself?" Faze smiled. 

Magenta's eyes flew open and she sat up, a look of horror drew over her face. "No, something's happened to him…"

"Magenta, relax!" Lavender said, taking her hands off of her neck wound. "Was he here?"

Magenta looked at the ground. "Yeah, he…" She drifted off.

"Magenta, what happened?" Faze asked. "How did you get hurt?"

"Dammit…" Magenta sighed. "He… He did this to me."

Lavender and Faze stared at her. "That couldn't have been him… He wouldn't do that. He can't do that!" Lavender said. 

"I know it was him." Magenta answered. "Something's wrong, I know it. He attacked me and then… He ran away. Something else is controlling him, but he's still in there."

"But… Ryan's teeth would do a lot worse than this…" Lavender said, looking at the wound.

"I know. I thought it was a lot worse until you got here. I was just in shock I guess." Magenta took Lavender's hand and stood up. "It's not so bad because he was holding back."

"So should we follow him?" Faze asked. "Or stay away?"

"I don't know…" Lavender said. "He might attack us."

"No, we're going to follow him." Magenta ordered. She winced from the sting in her neck.

"Are you sure that's a good idea right now?" Faze asked. "I mean you're still hurt. When we got here, you could barely move and you were gasping like crazy."

"But I'm better now aren't I?" Magenta snapped. "My neck hurts, that doesn't mean I can't walk. I said we're following him."

"Magenta wait…" Lavender held onto her hand. "Are you sure about this? Ryan's very dangerous, whether he means to hurt you or not."

"It's Ryan, Lav." Magenta said. "I'm going to at least try to help him." Magenta winced at the pain in her neck, trying to play it off.

"Magenta…" Lavender sighed. "Trying to stop you, is pointless. But the minute I see you're in too much pain, we're stopping."

Magenta peeked though the opening I'd blasted through, trying to figure out which of the next corridors to go down. "I don't think we should split up, so…" She pointed to the one on the right. The foliage walls were glowing.  "Let's go there first."

Magenta made her way down the illuminated hall. "Magenta!" Faze ran after her. "Are sure you're alright?"

"I'm not bleeding anymore, am I?" Magenta peeled the soaked leaves from her neck wound. Faze cringed at the sight of the bite mark. "See, I'm fine, really. It just stings a bit, but I can take it…" She padded them back onto the wound.

Lavender followed them at a fair distance, shaking her head.

"Magenta, I…" Faze sighed. "I'm sorry about leaving you here… I should've at least tried to save you…"

"I don't want to hear it, Faze." She answered. "You wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway."

"That's the second time I've heard that today…" Faze's eyes dropped. "You're kinda like him."

"Yes, I supposed so." Magenta made it clear that she was annoyed. She felt someone grab her hand. "What are you doing?" She eyed Faze closely.

"You hate me don't you?" He said.

Magenta yanked her arm away and kept walking. "No, I don't." She groaned. "I'm not like that. But right now, you're just annoying me endlessly. I'm trying to think right now…"

"At least tell me what you're thinking about." Faze said.

"The girl, okay!" Magenta yelled. "I can't stop thinking about her, and what she's done to Ryan!" Magenta shook her head. "I tried talking to her, and I think I was getting through to her."

"So what happened then?" Faze asked.

"I told her that she should be her own person, and not take orders from her father, the person who's making her do all of this." Magenta sighed. "But now she's more focused, and I think she's gained more power that way now that she's not worried about disappointing anyone…"

"Why would you think that?" Lavender interjected.

"She has a better control over everything now. I even noticed before that she was having a little trouble controlling vines. But afterwards she was more focused and determined to prove what she could do."

"Are you sure she wasn't just playing you?" Lavender said. "She might be smarter than we know."

"I held her in my arms, Lav!" Magenta cried. "I felt her fear like it was my own. She used to physically abuse herself whenever things weren't picture perfect. I know she wasn't faking anything."

"Magenta…" Lavender whispered. She grabbed Magenta and held her close. "You were just trying to help. No one will blame you."

"That's not what I care about…" Magenta sniveled. "But if helping her made her able to manipulate, Ryan… He'll never forgive me."

"Come one, we both know that's-"

"Hey…" Faze interrupted. "Did you hear that?"

They froze, and listened. Suddenly a yell started them followed by feral snarls. "Is that…"

"Oh no… Ryan must've found Violet!" Lavender sprinted down the hallway, towards the sounds. "Dammit, you two, keep up!"

----

I leaped out of the bushes, raked Violet's arm with teeth.

"Son of bitch!" Violet hissed. "What the hell are you doing, Ryan? We've you been?"

I looked up at her, hunkered down on the ground like a Liepard about to pounce. I realized she wasn't the girl.

"Ryan!" She yelled. "What's going on with you?" I ignored her and proceeded down another hallway. I was too focused on finding the girl again that I started going in circles around the maze. "Dammit Ryan, wait!" She grabbed my arm yanked me towards her. I hissed at her baring my fangs. "Wait…" She used the faint right from both or our eyes and examined the stains on my teeth. She gasped as she realized my teeth were stained in purple. "Ryan…"

I hissed at her again. "Ryan… What happened to your teeth?" She squeezed my arm. "Tell me what happened, dammit! Did you find Magenta?"

"Magenta…" I murmured.

"Yes, Magenta! We came here to find her remember?" Violet shook me, violently.

Her eyes bored holes in mine, flaming with rage. Suddenly her face morphed into that of Magenta's and I fell to the ground, feeling disgusting.

"Wha- What happened to me?" I reeled as the taste of Magenta's blood filled my mouth again. "I remembered looking into her eyes…" I said. I lost my fight with the Kirlia… I couldn't control myself, but I knew what I was doing…"

"Ryan focus!" Violet yelled. "Magenta's still in here somewhere! If you say her, you have to help me get to her!"

"She's hurt… It's hazy, but I know I did something to her…" I stood up, grabbing my face. "I don't know what I was thinking! By the time I realized what was going on I pulled away before I could do any more harm. That's where the blood came from…"

Violet pulled my hands away form my face. I turned away. "Ryan look at me!" She jerked my head towards her. "You love Magenta, everyone knows that. We'll get to the bottom of whatever got into you after we find her and everyone else, and then deal with that girl. Got it?"

I sighed and nodded. I looked over down the corridor hearing footsteps. Magenta appeared, sprinting out of the darkness. She froze as she saw me. I stared back at her, directing my gaze to the wet leaves on her neck.

"Ryan?" She said, shakily. "Are you… Okay now?"

I couldn't utter a single word… I just stood there lost in space. I did this to her. I thought. I hurt someone who I've only ever wanted to care for since I was a child… I felt something pull my away from my thoughts. Magenta ran over and squeezed me into the loveliest embrace I've ever felt. Slowly I put my arms around her, not knowing how to respond.

"I'm so happy that you're okay…" She cried, her voice muffled as she squeezed me harder. "I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything to save you before things got out of hand. I'm so sorry."

Faze and Lavender appeared out of the darkness as well. "He's…" Faze gasped.

"It's okay now." Violet said. "For the moment anyway. I made sure to stay near the entrance. Get out of here, both of you."

Lavender took Faze's arm and pulled him along. "Go, Aldridge, I'll only be a second." Faze obeyed and ran down to the other end. Lavender stopped by Violet. "What the hell happened?" She whispered.

"I don't know. He just… Lost it when he sensed the girl was nearby. I thought he was just angry and wanted answers but… It was more than that. It was… Rage." Violet answered, softly. "I managed to get through to him, but if she shows up again, I don't know what will happen."

"Well, if you plan on looking for her… Be careful." Lavender sighed. "Magenta, we have to get out of here."

I released her, but she remained clung to me. I grabbed her arms and peeled them off of me, shaking my head. She looked away an followed Lavender towards the faint daylight in the distance.

"Ryan!" Violet snappened. "Are we going to finish this?"

----

"Nothing's getting done! What is Sato even doing?" Zenith groaned on the back of his Talonflame. They hovered over the dome formation of plants over the park. "Take me down there. I have to speed things up."

The bird obeyed, he sped down to the dome and stopped by on of the holes in the top. Zenith hopped down and called to him. "Stay out of sight!" He took a few steps and observed the area. He heard a noise, someone breathing heavily. "Sato, my love, is that you?"

"Daddy?" A small voice echoed in the darkness. The girl stepped out of the shadows holding her still bleeding cheek in her hands. "A monster is here."

Zenith rand over to her and knelt down in front of her. "A monster? What kind of monster?"

"The ones you told me about." She answered. "He had sharp claws and teeth, and his eyes glowed with anger. All he wanted to do was hurt me, and I haven't even really begun your retaliation yet. The people in this city really are monsters like you said."

Zentih groaned as she described wha attacked her. "Sparker!" He shouted. "That boy is always in the wrong place.

"I did kidnap a girl though, but she gone now. She told me some interesting things though, so It was worth losing her." The girl winced as she smiled. "I'm more focused now. I can actually do this right now! Aren't you proud?"

Zenith didn't answer. He stared at a wall that started glowing with a faint blue light that got brighter. "You… You failed, Sato. You lost." Zenith said. He whistled loudly.

"But daddy! We've only just begun!"

"Don't call me that!" Zenith slapped her other cheek, knocking her to the ground. "You're pathetic, just like my wife used to be. What was I thinking? This was never going to work."

"But… I got stronger for you. For myself!" The girl cried. "You may not really be my family, I've always known that…" She slowly got to her feet. "But we can still have our happily ever after, can't we?"

"No, you idiot!" Zenith yelled. "You wouldn't make a good lover anyway. If you survive this, which you won't forget me. Forget I ever existed. The treatment will wear off and you'll go back to being a weak child in the woods." Zenith looked to the sky for his Talonflame. "Sato." he whispered. "You're just too damn great to be replaced…" He shut his eyes and waited.

The glowing wall exploded in flames as Dragon Breath blasted it wide open. Zenith looked back at the shot moments after, wide eyed. "Shit…" He muttered right as he was sent flying through several walls. The girl watched him, tears filling up her eyes.

"He! Never! Ever! Cared…" She gasped as she cried. "He never cared!" She screamed and the entire area shook wildly.

----

"Dammit, something's happening!" Violet said, trying to keep her balance. The tremor got more violent as we got closer to the room I fired my Dragon Breath at.

"This is where we stop this. I don't care for answers anymore." My eyes flashed red again.

"Ryan…" Violet grabbed me. "Stay with me. If you go beset again, I don't know if I'll be able to stop you."

I looked at her, focusing on her face as even as the area vibrated. "I won't go." I promised her. "But this has to end." I pulled her hand off of mine and ran into the large, open room. The girl floating in the air, screaming as loud as she could. She didn't have any control of herself anymore… Just like I ha been not long ago. I felt my claws extend, but I balled up my hands. No, I can't go again. 

I pounced into the air and tackled her to the ground. She just screamed even longer and flung me away. I felt intense pressure all over my body as she attempted to crush me with her Psychic.

"I'm not playing with you anymore!" I yelled. I shattered the barrier around my arms and pointed them at her. "This is what can I do when I'm in control!" I fire a garage of Electro Balls at her, breaking her hold on me. Smoke built up from from explosions, but I continued to shoot them in her direction. Finally I sprinted in blind and grabbed around for her. I got ahold of her, leapt into the air and flung her into the ground. "Too bad Zenith won't get to see his failure."

I picked the girl up by her hair and held her in front of me. "You're the worst copy of Sato I've ever seen. You don't even have her eyes." I snarled.

"I never wanted to be a… Copy!" The girl sputtered. "I'm just a child without a name trying to get one. I don't like bad people… People like you… You're just another monster that needs to be dealt with. Just like all the other people in this city."

"Oh yeah? Who told you that? Zenith?" I was curious. I could tell she was in immense pain, but she barely looked as if she was fazed.

"Was that his name?" She asked. "It doesn't matter now. He never cared about me. Just thought of me as… A lover." The girl turned her head as she saw Violet stagger into the room. The vibrations suddenly stopped. "I have no more uses now. I'm just a chimera that failed her purpose. I didn't even do well with my full potential. Do whatever you want with me…"

"Heheh, so be it." I chuckled. For a split second I let my rage consume me. I roared loudly and bit down on the side of her neck and I couldn't hold back even if I wanted to. The girl tried to scream but blood filled her mouth in an instant. I opened my my and let her fall to the floor. I backed away and spat her blood onto the ground.

The tremors started up again. I ran to Violet's side and looked back at the girl one last time. Before I could turn, a Talonflame flew in through the ceiling and towards where Zenith was blasted to. He sped into the darkness and emerged in to time with Zenith in his talons. I tried shooting an Electro Ball at him, but the bird screeched and let loose a large Flamethrower from his mouth, destroying the Electro Ball. He looked down at the girl and swopped down to get her. 

"No!" Zenith coughed. "Leave her. She's of… Ugh, no use to me anymore…"The Talonflame looked down at her again and reluctantly obeyed. He speedily flew away and was out of sight.

"Ryan, come on!" Violet tugged on me arms.  "It's over."

----

We ran towards the entrance as the labyrinth started to fall on top of us. We just barely got out before the final tremors stopped, and the entire place crumbled. All of the overgrown roots returned to the ground, and the roofs of the entire place fell into the park, leaving a giant heap of debris all over. Magenta was waiting out for us. She looked on as the remained of the area imploded.

"Magenta!" Violet ran over and hugged her tightly.

"Let go, Vi…" Magenta said. "I just want to go home… Everyone else is already there, waiting for us."

"Magenta…" Violet obeyed and released her. Magenta looked away and silently walked away from the wreck. Violet looked back at me. I think it's best if you two don't… Well-"

"No, I understand." I replied. "Go. I'll just… I'll be around…"


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:16 pm
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey! So, last chapter I focused on the plot. For this chapter I decided I would focus on the typos youv'e missed, since the plot was basically flawless.

Spoiler! :
Magenta stifled a scream as a small amount of blood began flowing from the side of her neck.

You need to add the "of" and "her"

Magenta watched me, trying to forget the pain in he neck to no avail.
The word I've highlighted should be "her"

Magenta shut her eyes as a fired a Dragon Pulse at her.

The highlighted word should be "I"

I bolted before she could open her eyes.

You need to add the "open"

"R-Ryan… What happened to you…" She thought.

Since you use a lot of ellipsis, I would try switching to up and changing the second set in this to a question mark. Also, if these are her thoughts, I *think* they should be italized. Though it may be okay since it's in quotation marks.

"Magenta!" A voice called up.

I'm pretty sure "up" isn't needed.

"You… You're amazing, Lavender." Faze breathed. "You knew exactly what to do… I just sat here frozen."

You forgot the quotation mark I've added in bold.


"I guess, that makes sense." Faze answered.

The comma isn't needed.

"Oh…" Faze looked down at Magenta. She looked asleep.

"Ryan…" Magenta coughed. "He's in trouble…"

Hold up a minute, she goes up looking asleep to speaking? This is a tad bit confusing.

"Magenta…" Lavender sighed. "Trying to stop you, is pointless.

The comma isn't needed.


I leaped out of the bushes, and raked Violet's arm with my teeth.

The "and" and "my" need to be added.

"Son of bitch!" Violet hissed. "What the hell are you doing, Ryan? We've you been?"
"We've" should be "where have"


She grabbed my arm and yanked me towards her. I hissed at her, baring my fangs.
you need to add the "and" , and possibly the comma.


I felt something pull my away from my thoughts

The word I've highlighted should be "me"

She looked away an followed Lavender towards the faint daylight in the distance
the highlighted word should "an"

There's a few more, but I trust you can find them. :)


Have a great day!

~Myth




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:09 pm
MayaM wrote a review...



Hi! This is my first review so I am sorry. Here goes...First of all, I have not read the previous chapters. Sorry. This was very well written though! One thing is that we don't really hear much of what the characters are actually thinking, it's mostly dialogue. And maybe that's how the characters are but that seemed odd to me. The descriptions are good, and the emotions/actions of all the characters seem...real. Sorry if this wasn't helpful.




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:06 pm
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klennon14 wrote a review...



Hello there! As stegosaurus wrote below, I don't remember much about Pokémon, but I'll take a shot at this review anyway :)
I like the very beginning. It pulls the reader in, and I'm an action/adventure genre junkie, so this right up my alley.

"I walked over to the fountain and washed out my mouth… The taste…" I'd end the first part with a period, not an ellipsis.

"Lavender took the leaves and squeezed them," instead of took I would say "grabbed" or something of the like.

"Magenta shut her eyes as a fired a Dragon Pulse at her." I think you meant to say "...as he/she/it fired a Dragon Pulse at her."

I notice you do this a few times throughout the story "He attacked me and then… He ran away." You don't need to capitalize "he" after the ellipsis. Leave it lowercase, because you are not done with sentence yet.

I like the ending. It leaves the reader wondering what's going to happen next.

I didn't find many nitpicks. Please don't take any of my opinion/respectful criticism to heart above. It's just my opinion as a reader, but I hope you consider some of it :)

Overall, I liked the action-packed feel of the story, and I can see you have real talent!

Happy writing,
Kali Lennon




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 5:49 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review (for team Tardis)!

{a little note: this review has nothing to do with previous chapters so here we go!}

So... to state first off, I have no idea what Pokemon is or what thingies that are involved for them to evolve-this was just in the GR so I decided to come along (if I make mistakes whatsoever, let me know!)
So to me, it seems that Ryan was in a fight of some sort and Magenta is worried about him cause when Ryan went to wash his mouth and turned around, a blue light came from his mouth. As the chapter continues, it seems Ryan runs away leaving Maggie in some sort of dream-like state while you introduce two other characters- Faze and Lavender. I think, they don't realize that Ryan is no longer there or rather, they notice that Ryan and Maggie got into a fight, making Ryan stab Maggie into the neck with his sharp teeth.
Anyway, that was a good start to a chapter since it gives a conflict that the characters must work together and figure out (even if one must die yadda yadda all that fun stuff). Yet I like Maggie- she is worrying about Ryan even though he hurt her like a good friend would.

Magenta shut her eyes as a fired a Dragon Pulse at her. The blast blew a hole in the wall beside her. I bolted before she could her eyes.


This is a common mistakes most everyone makes and that would be skipping words when they are writing in a rush. I think you meant to add some words in here but forgot to add them so:

Magenta shut her eyes as I fired a Dragon Pulse at her. The blast blew a hole in the wall beside her. I bolted before she open could her eyes. since it is more easier read and could be fixed if you read over it again ^^.

She went into a coughing fit, spitting out blood in larger amounts each time.


Er... If I ask, how did she go into a coughing fit and spit large amounts of blood? What caused her to do so? Also I feel like each isn't being used correctly- maybe every time would fit more correctly and make more sense.

"No!" Zenith coughed. "Leave her. She's of… Ugh, no use to me anymore…"The Talonflame looked down at her again and reluctantly obeyed. He speedily flew away and was out of sight.


was out of sight to went out of sight again .

Overall, I think I understand what is happening in this chapter as well as the characters. I hope to read more of these as you write them!

If you want me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




dark says...


I appreciate the review. I understand my story can be hard to understand and even more so when you don't know anything about it to begin with. I am not participating this month, so may the best team win! :twisted:



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Fri Sep 04, 2015 5:05 am
dark says...



I don't know how I feel about this part...
It felt, raw to me, if that makes any sense. Everything felt... Rushed. I've been very good with making sure everything flowed together well, but dammit this jus doesn't feel right. I thought it was good when I fishiness it before, but I read it over now and... It could've been better I suppose. Not the total end of Season 1.5 however. Maybe I can redeem myself.





"Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile."
— Anne Frank