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Through the Poppies

by daria_TV


My brightly colored wings fluttered up and down, taking in the dazzling sunlight and the soft breeze. Fields and fields of orange and yellow poppies decended before me. I flitted around and above them as the wind blew me along their colorful petals.

Laughter floated through the air to my tiny ears. A small girl in a summer dress ran past me her curly red hair streaming behind her. She was closely followed by her parents. Happy smiles brightened their faces. I rested lightly on petal and watched them. The father picked the girl up and twirled her around in his arms. She erupted in a fit of wild screams and giggles. Settling down he engulfed her in an enormous hug while the mother gently placed a hand on the girls head. I fluttered my wings cheerily at the sight, took off, and made my way once more through the poppies.


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Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:26 pm
KJ wrote a review...



Very lovely language you used. This piece is beautiful.

It would look better if you had a space between the two paragraphs. I really have nothing else negative to say, except that this felt more like a "Narrative Poetry" than "Other Fiction".

Keep writing.




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Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:20 pm
Azila wrote a review...



Hello, there! I realize this is an old topic, but since everyone seems to be reviewing it. I thought I'd try as well. :D

A small girl in a summer dress ran past me her curly red hair streaming behind her.
Comma after "me."

I rested lightly on petal and watched them.
A petal? THE petal? you need something before "petal." :wink:

Settling down he engulfed her in an enormous hug while the mother gently placed a hand on the girls head.
Comma after "down."
-----------
Overall, I liked this a lot.

I agree that you could break it up into two paragraphs, but it's not direly necessary.

Also, you have a nice visual description--but what about the other senses? What do the poppies smell like? It the air humid or dry? Etc.

I hope this helps!
~Azila~




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Thu Apr 03, 2008 2:04 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



lengthen it out. You show us that you can describe really well, so make more of it. What do the parents look like? What are they wearing? Where are they standing? And the poppies, are they blowing? Does the happy family notice the butterfly? Expaaand.

Other than that... wait, why are we reviewing a three year old topic?




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Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:39 pm
Aedomir wrote a review...



Thise was very nice.

Aside from the comma mistake ashleylee pointed out, I found one mistake:

girls head.

Posessive--apostrophe :wink:

I will echo what others said, it is very short so it is diffuclt to give a long crit on this, but I enjoyed it and well done!

Keep writing!

~Mark




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Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:22 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Interesting. I only noticed one tiny thing:

Laughter floated through the air to my tiny ears. A small girl in a summer dress ran past me her curly red hair streaming behind her.


You forgot to add a comma. It should read Laughter floated through the air to my tiny ears. A small girl in a summer dress ran past me, her curly red hair streaming behind her. It's a simple mistake yet important to your writing.

Otherewise, I found this maybe to short for my taste. If you lengthened it, you might be able to expand this story a bit!

Keep Writing! :)




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Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:28 am
RandomGrrl says...



Wow, I loved this! Simple, yet elegant and refined. You have a great writing style! I can't think of any criticism, I just know I'm going to bed happy! Thank you.




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Fri Feb 18, 2005 2:35 am
Areida wrote a review...



It's very good. I like sweet, innocent little pieces like this. :D

Two suggestions: (1) Lengthen it a bit with more descriptions, (2) Break it up into more paragraphs so it's easier to read. Chunky paragraphs are visually tedious and tend to drive readers away.

Other than that, very good job, I enjoyed it. :D :P :mrgreen: \:D/




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Sun Jan 09, 2005 8:18 pm
Sam says...



welcome! just somethign that I noticed!




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Sun Jan 09, 2005 8:16 pm
daria_TV says...



Thankyou very much! I don't know the color of their clothes though, I was more concentrating on the butterfly (if you didn't know I was writing from the view point of a butterfly) but yeah, Thanks! *bows*




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Sun Jan 09, 2005 8:13 pm
Sam wrote a review...



I really liked this, even though it is rather short...one thing, though, that caught my eye- you describe really, really vividly, but you don't say anything about the little girl's dress, other than what color it is. Same with the parents, too, you don't say anything about them. What kind of clothes were they wearing? :D





If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind