Published January 9, 2005
My brightly colored wings fluttered up and down, taking in the dazzling sunlight and the soft breeze. Fields and fields of orange and yellow poppies decended before me. I flitted around and above them as the wind blew me along their colorful petals.
Laughter floated through the air to my tiny ears. A small girl in a summer dress ran past me her curly red hair streaming behind her. She was closely followed by her parents. Happy smiles brightened their faces. I rested lightly on petal and watched them. The father picked the girl up and twirled her around in his arms. She erupted in a fit of wild screams and giggles. Settling down he engulfed her in an enormous hug while the mother gently placed a hand on the girls head. I fluttered my wings cheerily at the sight, took off, and made my way once more through the poppies.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
This is a nice and light short story. I loved your use of imagery throughout the story, it brings a bright and sunny picture to the mind. Your use of imagery allows for the reader to really feel the warmth and happiness described in your story. I also like how you included the family, showing that its not just a happy day for our narrator but also for those around them. Overall I quite enjoy the cheerfulness and lightheartedness of this story. Great job connecting to the readers' emotions.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a fun opening here. Its not too often that you see stories as short as this starting off with such a simple scene where we've just got this description of what appears to in fact be a rather neutral and very calming scene of sorts without much happening there to get our attention. Its an interesting choice, and that in itself almost makes this grab our attention as readers a lot more than it otherwise might. Well, let's see where this is headed.
Oooh well that makes for a very intriguing ending. Given the start I was not expecting to see too much, but this is a lovely little piece of deception almost there, and it makes for a wonderful reveal there. The piece itself was turning out to be a tiny bit flat right until that moment and now as a whole, this makes itself into a much more powerful one here.
Overall, I think this does a wonderful job here. Its a very simple piece right from the idea itself but there's a nice little magical touch here that's just about the right amount of subtle and mysterious and for what it sets out to do, I think it does a very solid job.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very lovely language you used. This piece is beautiful.
It would look better if you had a space between the two paragraphs. I really have nothing else negative to say, except that this felt more like a "Narrative Poetry" than "Other Fiction".
Keep writing.
Hello, there! I realize this is an old topic, but since everyone seems to be reviewing it. I thought I'd try as well.
Comma after "me."A petal? THE petal? you need something before "petal."
Comma after "down."
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Overall, I liked this a lot.
I agree that you could break it up into two paragraphs, but it's not direly necessary.
Also, you have a nice visual description--but what about the other senses? What do the poppies smell like? It the air humid or dry? Etc.
I hope this helps!
~Azila~
lengthen it out. You show us that you can describe really well, so make more of it. What do the parents look like? What are they wearing? Where are they standing? And the poppies, are they blowing? Does the happy family notice the butterfly? Expaaand.
Other than that... wait, why are we reviewing a three year old topic?
Thise was very nice.
Aside from the comma mistake ashleylee pointed out, I found one mistake:
Posessive--apostrophe
I will echo what others said, it is very short so it is diffuclt to give a long crit on this, but I enjoyed it and well done!
Keep writing!
~Mark
Interesting. I only noticed one tiny thing:
You forgot to add a comma. It should read Laughter floated through the air to my tiny ears. A small girl in a summer dress ran past me, her curly red hair streaming behind her. It's a simple mistake yet important to your writing.
Otherewise, I found this maybe to short for my taste. If you lengthened it, you might be able to expand this story a bit!
Keep Writing!
Wow, I loved this! Simple, yet elegant and refined. You have a great writing style! I can't think of any criticism, I just know I'm going to bed happy! Thank you.
It's very good. I like sweet, innocent little pieces like this.
\:D/
Two suggestions: (1) Lengthen it a bit with more descriptions, (2) Break it up into more paragraphs so it's easier to read. Chunky paragraphs are visually tedious and tend to drive readers away.
Other than that, very good job, I enjoyed it.
welcome! just somethign that I noticed!
Thankyou very much! I don't know the color of their clothes though, I was more concentrating on the butterfly (if you didn't know I was writing from the view point of a butterfly) but yeah, Thanks! *bows*
I really liked this, even though it is rather short...one thing, though, that caught my eye- you describe really, really vividly, but you don't say anything about the little girl's dress, other than what color it is. Same with the parents, too, you don't say anything about them. What kind of clothes were they wearing?