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Naked

My heart beat painfully underneath my ribs, and my ears rang with the silence of the room. There I sat, alone and shaking.

My stomach gave a horrid lurch and I heaved out my breakfast. After probably vomiting out most of my innards I sat back on the cold bathroom floor. Icy sweat streaked down my face and neck colliding with my tears. How could this happen?

I stepped up from the floor, flushed the toilet, and walked out of the stall. I turned towards the mirror. The devilish eyes staring back at me where not mine. My hair was plastered to my forehead and neck from all my sweating, and my chin quivered from all the pain. Red and blistered my cheeks where. They where streaked with my tears and my eyes threatened more. How?

How could I be so stupid? Why did it have to be me?! Didn't I realize? Didn't I know!? Couldn't I have prevented my hate from escalating? Could I have saved more than myself? Why didn't I die?

My mouth sneered and as a sob reached my throat I threw my fist at the mirror with retched disgust. This was not over. For once in my life I became the coward I was. All the lies I shrouded over myself had been exterminated and I was naked before all who had survived. Please, God, let me die...

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Mon Jun 27, 2022 2:39 pm

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

My heart beat painfully underneath my ribs, and my ears rang with the silence of the room. There I sat, alone and shaking.

My stomach gave a horrid lurch and I heaved out my breakfast. After probably vomiting out most of my innards I sat back on the cold bathroom floor. Icy sweat streaked down my face and neck colliding with my tears. How could this happen?

Okayy...well this is quite an intriguing start here. Definitely the sort of thing that really shocks and captures you as a reader here and I think it makes for quite a neat start here. The emotions that are immediately on display are very powerfully constructed there and I think overall you've done a very solid job of things here. Let's see where this goes here.

I stepped up from the floor, flushed the toilet, and walked out of the stall. I turned towards the mirror. The devilish eyes staring back at me where not mine. My hair was plastered to my forehead and neck from all my sweating, and my chin quivered from all the pain. Red and blistered my cheeks where. They where streaked with my tears and my eyes threatened more. How?

How could I be so stupid? Why did it have to be me?! Didn't I realize? Didn't I know!? Couldn't I have prevented my hate from escalating? Could I have saved more than myself? Why didn't I die?

Ok, well this expands quite nicely on sort of the why about how all of this emotion has appeared here and sort of explains the general feel of the piece as well. Its a good time introduce that and I love how this asks a lot more questions for the reader than it really answers. We have a nice sense of mystery seeping into the situation thanks to that and on the whole this is developing very nicely here.

My mouth sneered and as a sob reached my throat I threw my fist at the mirror with retched disgust. This was not over. For once in my life I became the coward I was. All the lies I shrouded over myself had been exterminated and I was naked before all who had survived. Please, God, let me die...

Well that conclusion seemed to be pretty much inevitable there right from the start given how things started off here. There's a pretty minimal amount of surprise on that particular front and well I think you still manage to deliver a pretty shocking moment there that aligns with the emotions on display here quite nicely. On the whole, it makes for a pretty solid package here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Sat Jan 15, 2005 3:56 am

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Sam wrote a review...

I have to say it was pretty good for such a short piece. I don't really have any critique, except for the fact that yes, it is rather short and vague, so I don't have any 'this does/doesn't make sense' bits to give you! If you have any more, I'm intrigued. Love to read it.

THIS WAS SO SHORT IT SHAMES THE NAME OF S.P.E.W.***
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Sat Jan 15, 2005 2:47 am

Elelel wrote a review...

I think this might do well as a poem, if you like writing poems that is. But that's really up to you, it's just my opinion.

Well, apart from that...

Red and blistered my cheeks where.

It should be "were" but I think you knew that and it was just a typo.

It's a little confusing, because the reader doesn't really know what has happened to reach this scene. But it's powerful all the same, which is good.

Try to cut down on the I's (this is why I try to avoid useing first person

I have the same trouble.) And more description would be good. eg. You say in one place "I stepped up from the floor, flushed the toilet, and walked out of the stall." and because you used the word stall it makes me think it's set in a public toilet. You could add more evidence of that around the place, like call the mirror rust-spotted.

I quite enjoyed this piece. I know pieces like this are hard, because they don't fit as a story, and they don't fit as a poem, but overall I think you did a good job of it. I look forward to read more of your work

*** RESPONSIBILITY OF S.P.E.W***

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Sat Jan 15, 2005 1:28 am

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daria_TV says...

Thats very true. I never noticed it until now but I do use alot of 'I'. Thankyou for pointing that out to me.

However my talent is inconsistant. I have inspiration and can write like a dream one day, then the next I'm completely brain dead. Not a single intellegent word penetrates my skull. I think it was one of those inbetween days. But I wont make excuses for myslef. I do need improvement, and I thank you for your comment.

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Sat Jan 15, 2005 1:16 am

Firestarter wrote a review...

I think it was good, however it had several limitations due to it's nature. Fuirstly, because it was so short there not much explanation, we've been thrown into a scene with no warning. Generally, this means we're going to need a lot of description and explaination to understand what's going on. I believe you're missing most of this, so try and slip in more information, the room, the character, anything!

Secondly, you've made the all to common mistake in the first-person tense of over-using "I". Everyone does it. However, not every sentence needs an I in it! A good solution for this is to change sentence structure in some places.

For such a small scene it's a good effort though.

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn