My actions are not a cry for help,
For if I wanted help I would just ask.
I simply care no longer for life,
And am too weak to take it from myself.
What point is there in sitting here,
Wallowing in the loathsomeness that is my life?
Why do I get up in the morning,
And continue my tradition of mundaneness?
And with no one to love or be loved by,
I always end up alone. Alone and trapped by misery.
So I have given up,
Without actually giving up.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Your poem was good. I feel your situation.
The only thing that keeps the knife at bay is the animal instinct to preserve ourselves.
So I'm an Epicurean at heart.
I am going to keep this short, i have only a few minutes to write.
good writing, i would expand but the doownside..... what a debbie downer.
Good grammar. Good wording. Good flow. But it's cliche. Why is life loathsome? Why are you mundane? Clarify these and more. It sounds to me like you're just ranting... in formal English. And instead of making me relate to your poem more, you've actually made me LOL, which is quite the opposite of what you're trying to do. Make us readers relate. Answer the "WHY?" questions, instead of asking questions yourself.
So, why?
Sorry for the short review, but I really hope that helped you.
~Kate
Hello!
I really liked this stanza, I love how it contrasts with the fact that suicides are stereotypically viewed as a "cry for help".
You need to expand your poem a bit more for this to make sense. It's quite short (not necessarily a bad thing) so we haven't got enough information about the narrator to understand. Particularly: "And am too weak to take it from myself." Surely, if it's a suicide, then they have taken their own life?
Wonderful use of vocabulary here, "wallowing" and "loathsome". It also all flows nicely.
Nice. You seem to have a lot of 'ands' in the poem though. It doesn't disrupt the flow or anything, it just seems a bit repetitive. You might want to go through the poem and see what 'and's you don't want.
Wonderfully done.
Again here, you might want to expand a bit more on the narrator's background, because this stanza doesn't make complete sense. But then again, it could be me, it's a Sunday evening.
Good work here, I quite liked this. Like I said, a bit more information would be helpful for understanding the poem; the poem doesn't really go on much of a journey. But, it could just be me.
Keep writing,
JSPike
Hey there!
My favourite thing about this poem is the choice of language; that's what really crafts the originality to this. From this the effect is much more powerful and the narration of feelings have a bigger impact on the reader. However at the same time as the meaning being implicit its kind of solidified as well so the reader can have their own individual interpretations, but there is a varied individual thought of what it is. If you get what I mean.
The thing I can pick at though is the punctuation and structuring. I think you're asking too many questions for a variety of poetry readers to enjoy this. If you ask a question the reader needs to have a similar cynical look at life as is in this poem for the question to have it's effect and allow the reader to familiarize themselves with the conveyed emotions. I think you need to get rid of the questions. Despite it showing a good unsure tone that helps with the effect, you're losing readers because questions aren't as easy to familiarize with.
Hope this helps.
& Keep writing,
Ben
Hello!
So, you've got some good groundwork laid here. What you've got to do is expand upon it.
First of all, I like the "giving up without giving up" part. This is something very easy to relate to, so you've made a great choice in subject matter.
All right, so what actions? Try replacing "actions" with something else. How is the reader to tell whether or not it's a cry for help?
What happened in life to make it loathsome?
Right here you've got a pretty good example of what's making you miserable. Loneliness.
What this needs is some expanding. It's hard for a reader to really feel deeply if they're not sure what's going on. A thing to keep in mind: show, don't tell. Right now, you're telling us it's hard, you're giving up, but we're not sure why. You've hinted--now just make those hints a bit more tangible.
As I've said, this is good. You have something going here. But really, really unleash your true feelings. Vent onto the page.
I really hope to see more from you. Keep up the good work!
~Freyja.
I really like this. I can get the feel of what you felt when you wrote this. I think it could give a little story behind it though. Like why do you feel the way you do, or why you are the way you are. Anyway I do think it is really good though. I hope to see more work from you soon.
-Flower-
Hey I am Erin, and first off I actually really liked this poem. It is very dramatic, and I love how you described the life:loathsomeness. Also, the flow of this poem is very good. You're a really good poet, and I don't see anything bad I can really say about this.