"I See"
I see you.
I see you over there.
I see you crying.
I see you alone over there.
I see whats on the inside and outside.
I see how you act.
I see why you treat people the way you treat them.
I see a person who is unloved.
I see a person who is lost.
I see a person who is hurting on the inside.
I see a person who is scared.
But under all of that I see a person who can find what she is looking for.
What do you see?
By:Eugene Bryant
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there *waves* I'm catmuffin (or cat, or muffy or catmuff) I can feel the vibe of this poem. A sad and hurt one.
Pro tip though: I see a potential in this poem but the rhythm isn't flowing enough. Try imagining yourself saying it to someone, it'll help.
Back to the rhythm thing (You don't have to follow my advice if you don't agree) The repetitive 'I see you's sound a bit off. To me it sounds a bit like pointing out the obvious
Ex.
I see a girl
I see a girl laughing
I see a girl crying afterwards
You get me?
After that its quite okay for me. Although I see you forgot an apostrophe on the fifth line. Be careful, remember to always proofread. Also, I don't quite understand the last line?
That's all from me. Keep practicing and keep writing. ^^
I see a poem with no rythm at all...
It's just a bunch of 'I see'-s...
@prithamrittika is right that the lines don't have feelings...u should read it aloud for a several times...
Seriously buddy...u said these things to ur GF???...lol...
u know dont even just feel ur lines make others feel them...
I'm not saying that u dont have talent...u have a good power of imagination...u should now try to make things more real...or more rythmic...I always say that rythm is the heart of a poetry...so when writing a poetry, always listen to ur heart not ur brain...
U know a thing?...brain rules our body but our heart rules our brain...
I see that this is ur first published poem...good one for a start though...
And u don't need to write the title again and quote it...
Always listen to ur heart...
God bless
Hope it helps...
~urbariazi...
Your first line, @Urba? Just rude. I wrote a poem something like this before. No one said it didn't have rhythm, and you shouldn't too. If this did anything, it hurt. Not helped.
She wasn't trying to be hurtful. She is right, it doesn't have a rhythm to it. It however does have potential and could be a base to a great poem with some work and remember constructive criticism is there so we can make u better as a writer. For everyone to read everyone's poems and just say how great they are would be an injustice to the poet and the readers. Keep working on it, you will get better with time and listening to constructive criticism.
Thumbs up
I know, Ashkitten. But you don't have to say that you see a poem with no rhythm at all, and that's also kinda o mocking. And yes, you shouldn't say everyone's work is great. However, if you have critique say it nicer. Oh, and text language doesn't really help in a review...just saying, because some people might have a hard time understanding it. Friendly advice.
hey. prithamrittika is here for a review. i am sorry but i don;t like the poem. i don't think it is for your girlfriend. because the poem have no sense and it is not so romantic in my point of view. i think that you just match the sentences. you don't feel it and the poem have no sense. i think you should feel the lines of your poem then it makes sense to us. you should cut the word "i see" because in every line "i see" is not good to seen .
i uderstand this lines
" I see you.
I see you over there.
I see you crying.
I see you alone over there.
I see whats on the inside and outside.
I see how you act. "
but don't understand this lines
"I see why you treat people the way you treat them.
I see a person who is unloved.
I see a person who is lost."
i hpoe you'll write a poem batter than your recent poem.keep writing...
Now you can say your welcome for the hurt you've caused. To be honest, writers don't say that they don't like works. They figure how to make them better. If you want to be rude, be rude. But please, be rude to people who deserve it, and maybe I'll like you better.
I'm sorry you can't recognize a great work by an author who worked so hard.
sorry if i hurt you...
@wisegirl22
That's not very nice. I don't think prithamrttika was being rude at all. She (or he) was trying to help. Sure it may come off a bit mean but that's called constructive criticism. Writer's DO say they don't like works. You've haven't met the real critiques, the harsh ones. All of them are only trying to make you a better writer. You need to know that even if people laugh at you or criticise you, you have to keep your head up high and when you fall, stand up and be twice as strong. We are all helping each other here.
On a side note, let us not fight and have a cookie ^^ *gives out cookies*
I know. But although printham wasn't trying, I feel the need to stand up for this author because "I hope you write a work better than this one" is a bit...mmmm, not encouraging. But I understand your good intentions. However, I do want to say please chest he spelling of your review, and it might set a bad example for the author. Plus, it might be hard to understand...dang autocorrect.
@wisegirl22
:)(::)(::)
I understand. Now let us have cookies