confused

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Its so hard having a relationship especially when you have no job no family and no future, yeah i get to tour with a band even though half the time its kissing other bands asses and getting your ass kissed by people you know will fuck you over just to get a taste of fame its prettyretarded. I came to relize the only fame you get is on the internet i mean culture is the internet twhich explains why theyr so many kids with low self esteam. but anyways i met this girl on the internet she gave me her number so all we did was "text" which i personally think thats how relationships fuck up. all she wanted to do is text and you know how texting gets you get all personal and lovey dovey since your mind is portraying the person as "slick" or "intelectual" . its so easy to portray yourself as one of those things since your masking yourself. so i meet her on her birthday we were sopossed to meet at three i forgot so she waited at the park and by the time i got there it was ten pm. why the fuck would she wait that long for me? i thought, i pulled out a joint we smoked which honestly i think it made it worse. when im high i tend to act a little too loose when im stress i start to laugh like a donkey well more like a drunk woman laughing like a donkey. anyways so were on these swings geting high as fuck , we made small talk you know the kind were youre like what the hell am i getting into? she was cuter than her profile which was cool even though she was wearing this stupid ass sparkly fadorabut i hopeshes as smart as she was through text, i took her to my friends house and got even higher we sat there akwardly. eventually she leftand gave us 2 grams.dante looked at me "what the fuck was that all about?" 'dont you know her?" i said then he said "yeah she use to come over and give us jars of weeed and tell us to smoke all of it in one sitting" i thought "damn this chick is down".

Alright...so this is....interesting...well, before I get to the content of this I will start by echoing the other reviewers here. This is currently a little bit of a mess here, with words just kinda put next to each other without a proper flow. I feel like you've just kind of written about three ideas all at once and then left it all in one paragraph. What this really needs is for you to just note down exactly what you want to convey here and then build a story from there. Here it looks you started intended to go to point A through B, then went through Point C and ended up in point D.

Soo, that aside, from what I could decipher of the actual story here, it looks like one hand you're discussing the problems that perhaps a budding band would have, with its competitors looking to tear it down and having to bow down to get a chance at doing anything. That's actually a fairly good idea if you could do that correctly, but then immediately after you go on about a random person who had this very random sounding relationship with a girl. The tone there changes a lot. One on hand at first he seems to think this is not a good person he's texting, then once he meets her he's all happy about it, and then it ends with a tone I can't even genuinely interpret there....this relationship part seems a bit too muddled to make sense of....so, well, if you're going with the rockstar, there could be a story there, the other one I'd advise you think about a bit more.

I also see a date and think maybe this is meant to be some sort of journal thing...you could kind of see it as a jumble of thoughts maybe, but even then this needs to be a bit more structured and the central idea has to be wayy clearer.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey there.

I'll be reviewing as I read, so bear with me.

The quote format is interesting, yeah, but unnecessary, as LadyPurple said.

The first thing that struck me was the sentence structure, which, frankly, needs to be improved a lot.

so hard having a relationship especially when you have no job no family and no future, yeah i get to tour with a band even though half the time its kissing other bands asses and getting your ass kissed by people you know will fuck you over just to get a taste of fame its pretty retarded.

Riiight. Where to begin, where to begin?

How about this, for one?:

It's so hard having a relationship, especially when you have no job, no family, and no future. Yea, I get to tour with a band --

Hold up, hold up. Who said anything about a band or anything? You might want to set the scene a wee bit more before actually going off about this character's angst.

even though half the time its kissing other bands asses and getting your ass kissed by people you know will fuck you over just to get a taste of fame its pretty retarded.

Okay. =_=" This bit in particular makes no sense whatsoever. I can't recommend how to improve it because I don't see what it means, but I can say that a period is needed here: (...) taste of fame. It's pretty retarded.

I came to relize the only fame you get is on the internet i mean culture is the internet t which explains why theyr so many kids with low self esteam.

1) A rock-star usually gets lots more fame than that, but whatever. Just my consideration here.
2) Relize should be spelled realize .
3) You repeat 't' after 'internet', and the 'i' should be capitalized.
4) 'Culture' does not actually mean 'the internet'. Take a look here and I doubt you'll find something that has to do with the internet. If you do, you might want to clarify that bit.
5) Grammatically, the last bit is incorrect in several places: 'which explains why there are/they're(...)' is one correction applied. Secondly, 'esteam' should be spelled ' esteem '. From a different point of view, this makes no sense. Why does it explain that? Clarification is in order here.

Moving on.

but anyways i met this girl on the internet she gave me her number so all we did was "text" which i personally think thats how relationships fuck up. all she wanted to do is text and you know how texting gets you get all personal and lovey dovey since your mind is portraying the person as "slick" or "intelectual" . its so easy to portray yourself as one of those things since your masking yourself. so i meet her on her birthday we were sopossed to meet at three i forgot so she waited at the park and by the time i got there it was ten pm. why the fuck would she wait that long for me? i thought, i pulled out a joint we smoked which honestly i think it made it worse. when im high i tend to act a little too loose when im stress i start to laugh like a donkey well more like a drunk woman laughing like a donkey. anyways so were on these swings geting high as fuck , we made small talk you know the kind were youre like what the hell am i getting into? she was cuter than her profile which was cool even though she was wearing this stupid ass sparkly fadora but i hope shes as smart as she was through text, i took her to my friends house and got even higher we sat there akwardly. eventually she left and gave us 2 grams.dante looked at me "what the fuck was that all about?" 'dont you know her?" i said then he said "yeah she use to come over and give us jars of weeed and tell us to smoke all of it in one sitting" i thought "damn this chick is down".

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. What the hell man? What is this?

Firstly, there is not one shred of description. Secondly, you skip from rock-star fame and internet to this dude (whom, I might want to add, was never mentioned previously) dating this one girl (also shakily introduced).

Grammatically, this is the tenth ring of hell. I's are never capitalized, you seem to use 'fuck' far too much, but that can be tolerated, I suppose. You never go to a next sentence when introducing dialogue, you never use commas afterwards, and you occasionally ditch the whole dialogue format.

There's practically no description and the whole thing is rushed. Grammatical imperfections are abundant and far too many to point out.

You need to flesh this out, add emotion, description, or, to be on the safe side, hit up a spellchecker, lots of dictionaries, and perhaps read some more books in english and base your formatting and, to some degree, writing style on those.

I deeply apologize this was very harsh, and feel free to chew me out for it, but seriously. This needs a ton of improvement.

Sorry again, and hope this helped,
~Ita

Hiya! LadyPurple here! Just saw you needed a review here.
Alright-y, here we go...
Right off the bat I wondered, "Why is this quoted?" But oh well:P it's unnecessary really.
First off, you don't always capitalize the first letter in the first word of a sentence in this. You're supposed to. And names are capitalized.
Second, "I"s are usually capitalized when it's used in a sentence. Such as, "I went to the store!" rather than, "i went to the store!"
Third, the spelling needs...work. Lots of it. Remember to always run it through a spellchecker or maybe have someone help you. It's good to ask questions!
Fourth, contractions. These are pretty much words such as, "don't", "can't", "it's". I noticed you may have gotten confused at some point. And that happens to a lot of us! Think of it this way: "it's" is a way to say "it is" and "its" is more to show possession.
Example: "It's raining outside."
Example 2: "The dog sunk its teeth into the toy."
See the difference?
Onto the 5th!
Structure and punctuation! My favorite!
I have a hard time explaining this. So please tell me if I confuse you.

"Yeah, she use to come over and give us jars of weed and tell us to smoke all of it in one sitting," I thought.

I can't navigate YWS like I used to be able to so I hope quoting that worked.
Alright. So, that's what it looks like with more punctuation and such.
When you have dialogue that does not end with a question mark or exclamation point, you would either have a period or a comma depending on what happens after the sentence.
Example: "Go wash your hands," Mother instructed. (If you have a sort of "says" at the end, then it ends with a comma.).
Example 2: "Go wash your hands." Mother let go of my hands. (If it's an action, then you would use a period.).
Ok. Now, the structure of your dialog is...not very neat.

"What the fuck was that all about?"
"Don't you know her?" I said.
Then he said, "Yeah, she use to come over and give us jars of weeed and tell us to smoke all of it in one sitting."
I thought, "Damn, this chick is down."
Ok, ok, I added some stuff to that...but what I'm trying to get at is it's less of a headache if you format the dialogue like this. It's not mandatory, but it's preferred.

Here's what I've been avoiding. I'm more of a "review the grammar and spelling" kind of girl...But I'll try this.
Onto the story itself.
To be honest, it needs more to it. I can see what you're getting at. I think it could use more emotion, however. I'm not too interested, really... I suppose it's just not my kind of story.
Erg I hope someone can help you with that because I'm terrible with that aspect of reviewing.
Well, it's too late for me to be awake anymore. Please ask if you have any questions.
~LadyPurple