Published July 18, 2011
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138,257 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
I like it, but too tell you the truth I don't love it, it is open and deep and I like that about it. I don't like how you say angel a little to much. Don't stop writing just because somebody dont like it though. You do have talent and as I said it's good just not great.
Hi there!
So, maybe it's because I've never read your story, but this poem just didn't do much for me. It felt like something I would read in a WoW fanfic. Maybe that is sort of the point; as this is based off a fantasy world, but the references to things like a Cythos and the middle-English feel of the language just didn't sit well with me.
Now; here's why. First, the rhyming was very simplistic.
Guide, tide, stream, cream. These are all fist-grade vocabulary- 'cream' doesn't even make sense. The way you're set up the poem, with the AABBCC scheme makes it feel a lot more elementary than it is. You've created a whole world- give it a little most credit and make this poem shine with a good, solid rhyme scheme.
Now, don't get me wrong. This poem is an excellent start. You have some lovely language and you're very good at incorporating detail. You poem itself, in its essence, is not elementary- it's just the way you've presented it.
If you want to make a truly meaningful poem about your world, draw us in. Show us, don't tell us about the horrors and dangers and lovely things. Make us want to be there- or make us want to run from it. Show us around, bring us in, and make us feel at home. Once you've conveyed the true nature of your world in this poem, you'll have a lovely piece of work.
Keep writing!
-Tori
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it a lot!
And I hope you post the rest of the story/poem or whatever this is a beginning of
anticipating!!!!
Well now. I really like this. I like your wordings and your sentence structures :] Very poetic and calm and to-the-point. Just one thing--it's such a somber, "hard" poem, you might want to change "sweethearts" and "darlings" to something else. Just my opinion. :] To match the rest of the solemnity.
But I really like it. So much that I'm going to read it again now xD And that doesn't happen all the time. Good job.