If I were a leather jacket,
Would you wear my wrinkly skin?
Would you laugh with satisfaction,
And forget my suffering?
If I were a pair of shoes,
My hair, hand woven in your shorts,
Would you play a sport with me,
Me the lifeless murdered corpse?
If I were your scaly bag,
My belly’s skin that shoulder strap,
My foot’s hard crust your bag’s main case,
Would you stroke me on your lap?
If I were your dearest shawl,
A scarf made from my head and back,
My hair a silky, shiny fur,
Would you love this dead old sack?
If I were indeed your shawl,
Would you look into my eyes?
Say you’re sorry for exchanging
Your pleasure with my worthless life?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks for the feedback guys!
What I don't like is all the questions, they were rob this piece of it's emotion. I mean, just saying I am this, would you this or that? It works for the ideas of the poem to be evolved into actual thoughts that can be related to, but as it stands, they old nothing more than the ideas they state.
But your connections and where they lay on the body, such as head to chest, belly to feet, things of that nature work well here. They can double as like... The loving resting head on chest kinda thing, the kick to my stomach when you proudly walk with me, just small things that suggest other than what they say.
Just some things you may want to toy with / take notice of.
Other than that, good job.
Keep writing, good luck;
Silented1.
Wow.
At first I thought it was going to be whimsical and lighthearted, and then BAM, how dare you kill animals to make things. (Which I completely understand, however; it's at the very least better than killing them for sport. It's better to use what they can provide than carelessly leave them to rot.)
Not sure about the rhyme scheme, but I think it seems ok.....
And I don't agree with Jennya's review-- the "me, Me" I like, and I don't think "silky, shiny fur" needs an extra comma.
I like this, by the way.
Wow, I love this quite original and very fun but then again you have a nice message in it. I'm no expert on poetry even though I do write a fair amount of it. The only comments i have are about the rhythm and the flow of this poem. To me this poem doesn't flow well.
I don't particularly like the reparation of me, it's just to close together.An extra comma would help but I'm no grammar expert.
Great work!