Look at her so pretty, dangling from the ceiling,
I just couldn't help it, couldn't hang my feelings.
Her hair was once so golden, now tomato juice,
And her foot is stiff as steel, from all that super glue,
Rope just didn't do it, she always tried to run,
Too bad she didn't see the spikes beneath her bum.
But,
Isn't it just cute, the way her left leg spins?
Like an upside down ballerina, circling from that hinge.
She should've seen it coming, she left me standing dead,
Now she can't even see that needle through her head.
Wait, let me take it out, so I can see your hazel eyes,
Squirt, tug, wrench, snap, damn, it's all dry.
Look,
I know you didn't like me, you thought I was too nice,
Well let me demonstrate my evil, let me get the knife.
Where the hell did I put it? Oh, on the desk,
OK, so off comes your arm, your leg, and your neck.
Your spine is nice and thick, reminds me of that time
When I was on the trampoline, and almost broke mine.
Anyway,
Finally we're face to face, what I've always wished,
All I ever longed for, was to taste those lips.
They look so moist and squishy, like my chewing gum,
But let me wash the blood off, that would ruin all the fun.
There, now you're fresh and ready, here it comes at last,
I want you to look at me, you f***ing piece of trash!
Muah.
Did anyone ever tell you, that you have a gaze
that treats a guy to butterflies; too bad it went this way.
Guess this was your destiny, it stings me like a dart,
But don't worry, I'll be fine again, once I eat your heart.
Well that was brutal. Good thing I've seen and read a lot worse. Albeit it was strong, but don't let that get you down. Not calling anyone weak stomached or anything (after all, it is rated 18+), but if this is what he wants to write, the he can write it. The rhyming really adds an effect to the poem and makes me wonder: is this person a serial killer or simply crazy (eats human heart, what)? I can imagine all too well a person doing this in real life, laughing wildly and taking pictures of their master piece. The motive is unclear as well.
This line in particular I didn't get. Did he place nails as a trap and she fell on them?
Oh myyy, you must have been filled with quite alot of anger when you wrote this. Violence seems like quite the innocent word compared to what you've written. ANyhowss, I liked this poem, it was strong and maybe a bit too hostile but it was powerful and didn't lack either imagery or emotion so that's good. I do though, believe you should change some of the ugly words to synonyms with the same meaning but less awkward add to them ^^ So, what more do I have to say... i like the narrator (Sorry, I didn't quite mean that exactely... ) But I think you've given him a strong personality, even though most of the thoughts and words he express is violent you can still sense both passion, love, hatred and pain through them. Overall, I did find this quite enjoyable to read, bit scary... and yet amusing at times.
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Structurally, the rhyme scheme and grammar were pretty much perfect. The subject matter was a little... gruesome, but some poetry is somewhat scary to read. It reminds me a bit of Edgar Allen Poe. Anyway, this could be published in the form of gothic poetry if you were going for that. It really is good, even though it's pretty twisted. To improve upon it, maybe add some literary devices, like when you're describing her frame spinning from the cieling, like maybe compare her to a maimed cieling fan or something. I'm hoping this poem is not from personal experience because it's pretty messed up, but all in all, it's a good piece of writing. Not bad.
GOOD JOB!!
This was very well done...I enjoyed reading it.
Wow. First things first. Violent much? It kind of scared me, to tell you the truth. It came across as, well, violent and kinda mean. But honestly, if you wrote about lighter topics, I think you could be a great poet. The rhyming worked really well and it flowed nicely. It was just a little scary. Good job though...