Published August 6, 2011
Dear Dad,
Remember the days when we had that house,
At that lonely, silent road,
On the other side there slept three pools,
Two for grown ups at the top, and one for you.
It always hurt me that you couldn't swim,
You must've never learned in those diabolical droughts,
But that didn't sting me as unusual,
Hell, I'd teach you to swim if I could.
Remember when all we had was sun and shine,
And that aloevera was ripe and real,
When mom was the only rose,
And I was your only beating heart?
When we dipped our toast into our tea,
And grilled our food in Spring's cerulean skies,
When I tip-toed along your bear-like snoring,
To sleep next to mom in frightful nights.
And the time when Christmas was as warm as Summer,
The wholly love of mom and dad the only true gift,
The time when we were a normal pride,
And proud as lions should only be.
I hope you remember that time,
I hope you cage it behind your ribs and lock it,
Throw the key to hyenas for lunch to choke on.
I hope you remember,
Because I hardly do.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,394 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
Oh my god! This was SOO touching.. seriously I wanted to cry at the last line.. SO SAD!
And the memories.. and your imagery.. Gosh it all seemed so real and honest and ... buhuu. SAD!
This is personal right.. cause otherwise you're such a good poet that I'm speachless. eh I am even if this was a true happening of yours because then you're brave to share it with us and you just deliver it with such... EMOTION! Godess... I reaaaaally loved this poem. I can't really put words to what was so great but it was just something that.. yeezz, I got chills! Haha. Hope I don't freak you out with my burst out of words and compliments haha.. I'm sure there are some nitpicks and faults with this piece but I was so caught up in it to me it was.. Impeccable!
You really write so much different kinds of poetry.. some are cliché, others are simple but sweet and then there are those like this one.. so deep amazing they almost make me cry!
Good Luck & Keep Writing ( PLEASE DO!)
// Demoness
heyy... this poem for me.. in the beginning was good.. but towards the middle i kinda got less interested.. and stopped reading it for a bit then decided to see what it was.. and it just seemed like you were trying to hard to make it sound good.. but didnt really get it to stick with me.... maybe try easing into different scences when u got them captured.. like try to use the last line of the previous stansa to relate with the first line of a new stansa... sorry if im being alittle too judgey... but it was over all good... i give you a A for effort!!!!
keep writting
~klemieux51
Hi!
I don't like to comment on poems because I can't offer anything helpful! >.<
I just want to say that the last line was heart-breaking, and that if that was what you intended - good job!
This is really personal, and I'm proud that you can let out such emotions through a poem.
Sorry, I know this wasn't helpful, I just wanted to say that it's such a sweet poem and you
really did such a fantastic job with it.
And if this is based on a true story, then I just want to encourage you to keep strong
and especially keep your spirits up!
Hi,
this was the bit which plucked me out of my current space-time coordinates and sent me tumbling:
"When I tip-toed along your bear-like snoring,
To sleep next to mom in frightful nights."
Evocative!
The very last bits seem a bit off as atmosphere. While I understand the logic behind the hyenas: lions - pride - hyenas, still the throwing of the key to the hyenas to choke on seems a bit forced, grafted. Like suddenly wrapping up the story in order to show it had an easily relatable point. But it's exactly the vague incantations that struck me sweet blows.
The cerulean skies is excellent. Makes me think of a timeless primal existence - a non-sweet childhood nostalgia.
Also, the terrible droughts because of which dad never learned to swim. I totally immediately filled this in with my personal feelings for my parents.
Anyway, was a very nice experience, thank you for this elegy