I had a dream that I couldn't find.
Filled up in a world full of crime,
In my dream I heard the bells chime,
For the pain you caused has crossed the line.
And now I'm here wondering why I wrote this rhyme...
To be so depressing.
And realizing that fear is what I should be suppressing...
Instead of hiding it all in the back of my head.
So now I'm waiting for the demons to crawl into my bed,
And wake me up and toss away Ned,
But cram that, I'm getting nothing instead,
Being starved when I should be fed,
But somehow I'm still alive, when I should be dead.
You failed me now, I lost the trade,
So now I face the music of the rhythm I made,
But I can't fall, I can't just fade.
And I feel so let down, feel so betrayed,
'cause you left me behind, but still I stayed.
Now I'm feeling so dismayed...
And now I know that you're what I hate,
This ain't fear, this ain't my trait.
It's never too early, but now you're too late,
You never used a calendar, you never set a date.
And now I'm here denying my own fate.
But guess what, it all still ends with checkmate...
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi there, danickname.
GeeLee here to review.
Hm. I actually like this. You're pretty good at making your poetry sound lyrical, I must say, which makes it easier to read. I enjoyed it. I actually have nothing to say about the content; however, I want to talk about the punctuation. In some of your stanzas, you place commas where there could be periods instead, and somehow, that can be distracting and confusing.
I'll set the example here:
My advice for you is... don't miss the opportunity to finish a sentence; avoid run-on sentences while you can!
That's my grain of sand.
~GeeLyria
I like this a lot. You've used some nice imagery in here, especially with, "so now I face the music of the rhythm I made", and your rhyming is good as well. But I'm not sure what you mean by "tossing away Ned". That's probably just me though. A lovely poem. Keep it up!
Thank you.