Chapter 1
I stood there, watching over my destroyed body. The chart on the end of my bed said that I had a
broken leg and arm, stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters of my left leg and right across my back. The whole right side of my body was raw from burn marks. And of course the big one- I was in a deep coma.
The only sign of life was my chest slowly rising and falling because of the breathing machine and the beeping of the heart machine
I shuddered as a nurse walk through me. I couldn't bare to watch as she changed the blood stained bandages- blood always made me feal nauseous- so I decided to have a look around the hospital.
As I turned I came face-to-face with a guy around my age. He had warm, chocolate-brown, oval-shaped eyes, perfectly-messy near black hair with natural golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin. He remined me of the princes from fairy tales that my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young, it seemed so long ago now.
“Hello” the prince said, in a smooth, husky voice, “ my name is Charlie.” he continued, while offering me his hand.
I fell back with the fright, typical of me. He chuckled softly but kindly before offering me his hand and helping me up. I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks. His hand was freezing cold but soft and very smooth.
“And who might you be?” he asked with a perfect smile, showing all his straight, white teeth.
Un-able to think properly I stupidly replied back “Huh?” I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud! Great, I must be going crazy, having hallucinations of princes.
“Your name? He repeated, putting it into simpiler english for me.
“ Oh right, Susan. But call me Rusty-please” I answered quickly so I couldn't make a bigger idiot out of my-self. But I had to ask him “ Are you real or am I just going crazy out of my mind?”
“Ok-Rusty. No, I am real so your not going completly mad!” he reasured me. “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions such as how you got here? What happened to you? I mean not to sound rude or any-thing like that but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it politly!.”
“I was in a bad car crash, trying to escape from the people who were tring to kiddnap and murder me.” I told him honostly, watching his perfect smile was vanish and how his eyes widened with shock.
“Oh, I am so sorry! Please excuss my rudness before! You see the souls I usualy meet were pretty stupid and reckless.” he explained to me. “Now you have a choice to make, you can either come with me and meet all the other souls or you can stay here, while the doctors and nuses try to patch you up!” He said while looking past “me”.
I followed his line of vision and found my self staring at my body once more. The nurse was now injecting me with a needel and attaching a drip. I pulled my-self away and looked back at Charlie. Thousands of questions started filling my head, but I decided to only ask the first three that had popped into my head .
“ Go with you where? Other souls? How can you see and talk to me?”
“ a) To the house, b) your house-mates- if you choose to come with me, which you probably will and c) we are both souls.” He replied-clearly enjoying my confussion. “ But there is a diffrence between you and me- you're technicaly alive and I'm dead.” He added in bluntly.
I must of went into shock because every thing I remember after that is verly hazy. I think I vaguely remember Charlie telling me to close my eyes and then picking me up and cradeling me in his arms. I also remember a slight swooshing of the wind in my ears, but other than that I was completely lost in my own thoughts. I just couldnt belive that he was dead. I thought that being in a coma was bad.
Thousands of new questions swarmed my head. How did he die. When did he die? How old was he. Why was he still here? How did he know that I was here? How many soals were there? Where did he live? What could he eat? Where exactly where we? What day was it? How long had I been here? And most importantly where was my daughter?
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Well, I don't think that there is anything more that I can say that has not already been said! The previous comments all look very helpful in respect of improving the writing. Primarily, of course, are your spelling mistakes and some grammar mistakes - nothing a few read-throughs and careful consideration won't cure. Even so, I thought the story was intriguing enough that I read on until the end (and that is saying something, as I am an obsessive when it comes to grammar - it really annoys all my friends!) As someone else has said, it would help you to vary your punctuation in terms of dashes, commas, colons and semi-colons, because much of the time they're interchangeable. The little section where you talk about the prince offering his hand, you say "offered" twice when I think you could phrase it differently for diversity. Other than that, I really loved it! Very relateable characters - the feeling of being an outsider in a once-familiar place I think we all understand - and a very funky fusion of the paranormal and a fairytale.
Hey. I read your story and it sounded pretty good. I noticed quite a bit of grammatical errors, but those are easily fixed. The other reveiwers prettymuch covered them anyway. So, I would just like to say that I would continue reading this. It left me waiting to find out what her choice was and what's going on with her daughter. Also, you put a big emphasis on this soul character she meets. You make him likeable, but perfect. Does he not have a flaw because he is a soul? If not, give him a flaw, characters can't be perfect. Oh, and one last thing, is this soul going to be a major part of your story? I'm asking because you make the reader think that they're going to be seeing a lot of him. If he isn't, I wouldn't worry with him TOO much.
Overall, I liked this. It original and I would definetly like to see more of this. Really, you need to fix all of your grammatical errors, that's what distracted me. Anyway, would you PM me when the next pert is up. I would be happy to reveiw that one for you. (This really isn't much of a reveiw, the others got here first) Anyway, keep writing!
~Tiger
Hey!
You had a few spelling mistakes, which I am sure everyone already noted. I love it! Nice!! Very interesting and well written!! Well done!!!
Now, to business.
Is she used to being in a coma? It sound like a regular thing for her, I think she should be flipping out. Her body is right infront of her eyes!! Unless it felt very natural and easy for her, like it was supposed to be so, in which case you should write it in the story- it would make more sense.
Umm, let's see what else... Oh, yeah. She has a daughter?! how come she never thought of that before?! Sorry to break it to you, but mothers almost always think of their children, it's not very likely that she would think of other things right now. Just about her daughter, and if she was safe, and bla bla bla.
By the way, just a car accident could do, you know. No need to add in the chasers and murderers.
The prince sounds like a different version of Edward Cullen, simmilar though, almost too alike. The whole writing style reminds me of twilight, anywho, I liked it!! Write more, and PM me when you do!
Yep... I'm not going to read all those long reviews, so pardon any repeating on my part.
First, you spelled "stitches", "different" and "quarters" wrong. Also, change "on the end of my bed" to "at the end of my bed." When you say "on" it's as if it's laying on your feet. "at" just works better. (You will learn as the review goes on that I am a major nitpick... Sorry."
"walked" not "walk". Got to keep it all in the past tense.
First, don't use "perfect" too much. Also, "perfectly-messy" is an oxymoron if I've ever seen one. I guess you can keep it if you want, though. Next, try to avoid saying things like "near black". His hair is black. So ditch the "near". I'd also personally not say his eyes are ovular since that's a general similarity between most people. No need to mention the obvious, right?
You mean "reminded" not "remined". That'll be the last time I pick out a spelling error. The spell check here on YWS picks them up, so proofreading should be a breeze. You can find the rest yourself.
Also, a period instead of a comma after "young".
Ditch the "he continued". You don't need it. After the dialogue just say "He offered me his hand."
I wasn't sure if this would show up on spell check, so I'll just tell you. It's "unable" not "un-able".
Period instead of comma after "things" and "real".
Quotation mark after the question mark. You also spelled simpler wrong and didn't capitalize the 'E' in "English". Be sure to proof read your works thoroughly before posting. (I'd go into more detail but it's 2:30 A.M. in the great state of North Dakota and I've got church in the morning, so I got to get to bed soon)
Don't need the dash after "Rusty". You use dashes excessively throughout this peace, most of which are unnecessary, so I'd look into those.
There's the dash again. I just thought I'd give you one more example. Pretty much every other one you use in this piece is used incorrectly (except maybe for a few at the beginning).
Put a comma after "him", get rid of the space between the quotation mark and "are", and she isn't speaking an actual sentence. Get rid of "out of my mind".
Ditch the dash, spell politely right, and you've got both a period and an exclamation points. Personally, you're using the exclamation point too much. You're making it sound like he's either a yeller or someone who's abnormally frantic.
I think she's telling a little too much to a stranger. Also, not many people in real life fit this much info into one simple sentence. It actually sounds as if she's simply shrugging off what happened.
Also, you spelled "trying" and "kidnap" wrong.
Ditch the "was".
Okay, here's my last bit on this piece of writing.
1) Way too many spelling errors. Start proofreading your work
2) Learn to use commas and dashes better, because you were missing commas in necessary spots and use way too many dashes (I'd point them out, but once again, I'm tired, got church in five hours".
3) At the end, this Charlie guy never introduced himself. The heroine just started calling him Charlie out of no where.
4) Watch how often you use exclamation points. Most of Charlie's dialogue had exclamation points and made him sound unreal and a little weird.
Okay, overall, the concept was interesting and you're style is actually pretty good, but the thing is that your lack of grammatical knowledge buries the true potential of this story. It was just overwhelming trying to enjoy your story while putting up with the lack of commas, the way too many dashes, countless misspelled words, etc. Fix that, and this could be very good. I hope you do well with this. And so without any further a do, I go to bed.
Heya dancingclouds! I'm going to review this for you. Changes are in bold, comments are in italics and spelling mistakes are underlined. I'm reviewing your piece in a way I'm not used too. Just experimenting :P
Okay *clears throat*
I enjoyed this piece very much. But of course, you have a definate overuse of dashes in this! You use dashes where commas and periods and even semi colons could be! Also, there are many long sentences in here. Cut them down to add more effect. Maybe some more...description would be useful too. Describe the room in which she is in more. What kind of clothes is Charlie wearing? More description = better story. I'm not saying that this is bad because I really enjoyed this. I hope I helped :)
PM if you have any questions and when the next chapter is up.
Happy Writing!
Meadow
Hi, dancingclouds.
I'm anti-pop, and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^
Since this seems like a rough draft, I'm just going to run through it and edit before I make a few general comments. My corrections will be in red, and anything that should be removed will have a [s]strike[/s] through it!
Alright, so this was pretty interesting!
I like the idea that Susan, while in a coma, is somehow able to leave her body in an almost ghostly manner. This is a pretty original story, and I definitely believe it has a lot of potential! In order to help you bring out the best of this idea, I'm going to point out a few things that can be changed, improved, and/or left out! ^_^
First things first: Grammar!
There were quite a few instances where your punctuation was off - especially when it came to dialogue. Here's a short and sweet example on how to properly pull off correct punctuation in a scene with a lot of talking going on: viewarticlebody.php?t=19430
Too Much Info!
Uh-oh -- looks like a case of TMI!
Simple way to fix that: give the desired information in a more subtle manner. For instance, instead of just saying, "I had a lot of stitches and was burned up -- oh yeah, I was in a coma, too!" you can recreate the tone in a more morbid, serious sort of way. This is obviously a serious matter, and it would be normal for someone to be a bit more concerned about their well-being in a situation like that.
Think of it this way: how would you feel if this happened to you? That's what I do when I write my stories -- it really helps to think from your character's point of view. ^_^
Description: When is it too much?
Here, I've taken a perfect example of a description-packed sentence:
Not only is this a run-on (which is OK, we all make that mistake sometimes!), but it is also an overload of description. Ease up a bit!
There are plenty of ways to show us how this boy is gorgeous. You don't have to tell us how he looks all in a single sentence! Span the description out a bit.
Examples:
His dark green eyes stared at me quizzically.
I laughed as he shook out his shaggy dark hair.
He stroked my face with a soft white hand.
See? I didn't have to describe every aspect of this character in just one sentence. In fact, breaking up the description of your characters can help emphasize their impression on the readers.
Overall, this was a nice idea. I think with some editing and some time, this can turn out to be a very stunning piece. My suggestion would be to check out some writing tips over at the Knowledge Base.
Questions? Comments? Emotional outbursts? Just PM me and let me know immediately! ^_^
Pop
Stiches should be stitches, diffrent should be different, and quaters should be quarters.
Feal should be feel.
There should be a comma after turned.
There should be a comma after it.
Remined should be reminded.
Use should be used.
Bed-time should be bedtime.
There should either be a semicolon or a period after young.
The comma after said isn't needed.
Feal should be feel.
Use another word besides smooth. You used the word a few sentences ago.
Un-able should be unable.
There should be a comma after properly.
This should be more than one sentence.
Simpiler should be simpler and english should be capitalized.
My-self shouldn't have the dash.
Your should be you're.
Completly should be completely.
Reasured should be reassured.
Politly should be politely.
Kiddnap should be kidnap and tring should be trying.
Honostly should be honestly.
Was shouldn't be in the sentence.
Excuss should be excuse and rudness should be rudeness.
Usualy should be usually.
Were should be are.
Nuses should be nurses.
He shouldn't be capitalized.
Needel should be needle.
My-self should be myself.
Confussion should be confusion.
Diffrence should be difference.
Technicaly should be technically.
Verly should be very.
Cradeling should be cradling.
Couldnt should be couldn't and belive should be believe.
Soals should be souls.
There should be a comma after importantly.
Overall, the story was good. If you use spellcheck, you would have less spelling mistakes. The end made me want to read the rest of the story.
Stiches should be stitches, diffrent should be different, and quaters should be quarters.
Feal should be feel.
As I turned I came[/quote]
There should be a comma after turned.
There should be a comma after it.
Remined should be reminded.
Use should be used.
Bed-time should be bedtime.
There should either be a semicolon or a period after young.
The comma after said isn't needed.
Feal should be feel.
Use another word besides smooth. You used the word a few sentences ago.
Un-able should be unable.
There should be a comma after properly.
This should be more than one sentence.
Simpiler should be simpler and english should be capitalized.
My-self shouldn't have the dash.
Your should be you're.
Completly should be completely.
Reasured should be reassured.
Politly should be politely.
Kiddnap should be kidnap and tring should be trying.
Honostly should be honestly.
Was shouldn't be in the sentence.
Excuss should be excuse and rudness should be rudeness.
Usualy should be usually.
Were should be are.
Nuses should be nurses.
He shouldn't be capitalized.
Needel should be needle.
My-self should be myself.
Confussion should be confusion.
Diffrence should be difference.
Technicaly should be technically.
Verly should be very.
Cradeling should be cradling.
Couldnt should be couldn't and belive should be believe.
Soals should be souls.
There should be a comma after importantly.
Overall, the story was good. If you use spellcheck, you would have less spelling mistakes. Is this the beginning of a book? If so, the ending was great, and I hope you finish the story. It's very interesting.
Stiches should be stitches, diffrent should be different, and quaters should be quarters.
Feal should be feel.
As I turned I came[/quote]
There should be a comma after turned.
There should be a comma after it.
Remined should be reminded.
Use should be used.
Bed-time should be bedtime.
There should either be a semicolon or a period after young.
The comma after said isn't needed.
Feal should be feel.
Use another word besides smooth. You used the word a few sentences ago.
Un-able should be unable.
There should be a comma after properly.
This should be more than one sentence.
Simpiler should be simpler and english should be capitalized.
My-self shouldn't have the dash.
Your should be you're.
Completly should be completely.
Reasured should be reassured.
Politly should be politely.
Kiddnap should be kidnap and tring should be trying.
Honostly should be honestly.
Was shouldn't be in the sentence.
Excuss should be excuse and rudness should be rudeness.
Usualy should be usually.
Were should be are.
Nuses should be nurses.
He shouldn't be capitalized.
Needel should be needle.
My-self should be myself.
Confussion should be confusion.
Diffrence should be difference.
Technicaly should be technically.
Verly should be very.
Cradeling should be cradling.
Couldnt should be couldn't and belive should be believe.
Soals should be souls.
There should be a comma after importantly.
Overall, the story was good. If you use spellcheck, you would have less spelling mistakes. Is this the beginning of a book? If so, the ending was great, and I hope you finish the story. It's very interesting.