Published November 10, 2007
Backstage
Delight in the darkness
curtains swish, the crowd calms
music slowly creeps to our ears
we squint as dancers dash onstage
curtains swish, the crowd calms
the prop table is a friendly seat
we squint as dancers dash onstage
the dressing room, a mayhem
the prop table is a friendly seat
warming up against the wall
the dressing room, a mayhem
going over specific steps
warming up against the wall
lights gleam in my eyes, we hush
going over specific steps
we smile brightly and rush from the wings
lights gleam in my eyes, we hush
music slowly creeps to our ears
we smile brightly and rush from the wings
Delight in the darkness
I know its not very good but i wrote it awhile ago and something about it is so beautiful in the way it portrays the view from a dancer in the wings
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
wooooahhhhh. that was very nicely done. i was really taken aback and impressed by the pattern. it was really cool. to my pleasure, i found no technical problems. there are a few things i would recommend, mostly in the first stanza and then when you repeat those lines, but they are just suggestions.
instead of:
Delight in the darkness
curtains swish, the crowd calms
music slowly creeps to our ears
we squint as dancers dash onstage
try:
Delight in the darkness, (add comma here)
curtains swish, the crowd calms
music creeps to our ears (don't say slowly, too redundant)
we squint as dancers dash* onstage (*maybe try different wording. i suggest swirl, whirl, leap, jete, etc. dash sounds kind of like the dancers are sprinting on stage or something not very graceful. it still works, i just might change it.)
otherwise i really enjoyed this!!!! i can't wait to see more of your work!
~abby~
At first, I was going to say, "You're repeating your lines exactly". It took me a while, but I see what you did: making the second and fourth lines of the previous stanzas the first and third lines of the next stanza. Clever. I liked that.
As for the poem itself (just to let you know, any punctuation suggestions I have are there simply because I'm reading your poem as if it were a story):
I would put a period after "darkness" in the first line. Also, period after "calms" in the second line. Maybe a semi-colon after "ears" in line three.
Also, I don't think curtains "swish". Rise, maybe. Open, definitely. But swish is a stretch (unless your auditorium has really cheap curtains, then they most certainly will swish).
Grammatically, "The curtains swish". Don't have scentence fragments. Sure it's poetry, but grammar rules still apply, despite popular opinion
Again, "The curtains swish (or open, or rise, or whatever)".
Your fourth line here is awkward. Poetry is all about brevity, but this is a bit too brief. Maybe something like "The dressing room is in disarray" or something like that, something to show us that it's a complete mess in there.
aside: yes, prop tables: convenient and comfortable!
I'm confused: is the dressing room going over specific steps, or is a dancer inside the room going over specific steps? I'm looking ahead, and I can't think of anything to make it work. Definitely something to work on, though.
Same thing goes for the prop table warming up against the wall.
"The lights gleam" in the second line, and comma after "wall" in the first line. Period after "steps" in line three.
Overall, a great poem. I'm far from being a dancer, but I feel you've captured the essense of being a performer of any kind, just that anticipation of going on stage. Great job! I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
There are so many actions here, and not too much beyond that, causing me to read it more like a paragraph with line breaks than a poem. It's kind of like in the movies, when the camera pans across a scene. It's nice and all, but the story really begins when the camera zooms in on one of the characters and begins to tell about them.
"Delight in the darkness"
That's a nice line, but it doesn't do very much on its own. Lines like this tell what the people in the poem are thinking, but the whole rest of the poem is things that are happening around them. See if you can use your words to not only tell about the 'chaos' of backstage, but to make the reader feel almost chaotic while reading it.
I'd be more interested to know more about the "delight in the darkness" and why that line is what it is than about the prop table and the dressing room. Because ultimately, anyone could walk backstage and see a prop table and such, but they wouldn't be able to stand backstage and "delight in the darkness" unless it's expanded upon. Show everyone your point of view ^_^
Very nice! Lovely imagery, and the form of a pantoum was very effective- it really gave it a feel of excitement and anticipation.
Keep writing!
I really liked this. I liked the way you used the second line of the previous stanza to start the next one. A very interesting method that has a lot of potential!
I just suggest that you work a little on the flow, it feels a bit stiff. Other than that, great job! As a ballet dancer myself I can definitely relate. Do you dance ballet?
PM me sometime!!
~Azila~
Thank you so much! Finally someone who sees what i write<3
what a fantastic effect. i was watching the apparent scrambling of the lines but it is a lot more than that. i couldn't see the patter you were using. this is the first time i have seen this method being used and it was a great delight.
i found myself imagining it all as a backflash which it is not though. ah... i reread and i saw the pattern. if the poem continues it would become a cycle huh? wonderful trick, and really economic if you ask me. not to belittle your poetry though. you have used some great alliteration and the imagery that came to my mind was very very realistic. like watching a much awaited dance........from the dancers point of veiw. i could feel the nervous tingling of going on stage, a job well done and thanks for the read......