whitetop chapter uno(1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Merry Christmas” exclaimed someone who is a dead man. “you know I hate mornings,” i started to turn in my bed and catch a glimpse of the clock “ITS FIVE THIRTY TWO IN THE MORNING” i shout as i sit up and pop my neck. “ yeah well who knows what today is going to be like” chimed the cloaked figure. “so when is the unholy saint going to wake up?” The voice sounded female. Deciding my visitor’s gender i chose to get out of my bed and turn to my bulking friend. “Maybe next week if we’re lucky” i say as me and the cloaked figure burst out laughing. clay starts to wake, he looks at me, mouths shut up, and turns around to face the wall, in a minute i hear blissful snoring that shakes the room. “so, what do you think of my costume” the figure asked in a flirty voice as she did a little spin. The costume was a purple dress that came right above the ankles and short sleeves. it was purple with black stripes around the waist and arms. the dress had a attached hood that hid my visitor. “Ah i should of guessed it was you Zoey” she pauses as i put a clean white polo shirt (standard issue and dress code here) on “only you would wake me up this early.” When i turn she is examining a picture of my family “who’s she” clearly indicating the girl with long brown hair “she’s my sister”. i try to manage my anger. She notices my change in attitude and quickly puts the frame back on my desk gingerly. she turns to me and looks away “umm i have a question...” her voice trails off as she looks up and sees the scar on my face. “when did you get that” she said in a whisper as she puts her hand around my scar that starts from the top of my right eyebrow and ends at my cheekbone. It’s just a cut but it is noticeable. “it’s nothing, just a wound from a fight with another ‘royal’ ” i back away from her reach. when i say the word “royal”, i notice that it hits her like a smack to the face. “oh is it Neo or Logan?” Her voice was full of concern now. Man why did i say that. i should of made up a lame excuse. I start rubbing the back of my head nervously. “ don’t worry it was Logan, neo is umm.... stable” I say as a lose myself in her eyes. she notices me staring at her, blushes, and quickly turns around. She is heading for the door. i intervene at the threshold of the door. “sorry for waking you i should go i have” she chokes catching herself before saying something “....errands to run” she says as she dodges my next attempt at intervening her. “ great the one girl doesn’t think you’re a freak and you run her off!” i mutter as i slam my door.

Well, this was a bit of a confusing start here, but, um, well let's break things down. The first major issue is the formatting here. There's just no paragraphing whatsoever and everything ends up in a giant clump of words and that's just not a very good point to be getting started on here, you're going to want to split things up a bit especially those dialogues or the flow of this piece and readability will suffer quite a bit.

On top of this, some of the things that happen here feel a bit disjointed. You're story here doesn't quite have a feeling of smoothly moving from one part of a scene to another. There's a certain sense of jumpiness to things, like it just sort of goes from one idea to another skipping past a transition and at the start of a story where you don't know the character all that well it's really hard to follow and try and see what they mean here.

The description here is quite nice though, you didn't describe too much about where the two of them are but considering this is very early into the story that can be overlooked somewhat and you do a good job of showing what the two people here look and are dressed as so that's a plus here, although you do want to try not to go too over detailed on that one.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Jester,
This was good. If you don't like harsh reviews, please do not read, I do not intend to offend you or your writing.
Fist of all, your chapter was all clumped up, I got so turned off when I saw it, it looked like just a block of cluster phobic words clumped in a small space. Young Writers Society does not give you limits on the amount of works and/or spaces, so utilize the space and break your chapter into paragraphs. It looks a little more organised than a huge clump.

Then I noticed your lack of capitalization.
Let's take a look at it:
This is what you wrote:

i shout as i sit up and pop my neck. “ yeah well who knows what today is going to be like”

Note there is a full stop after "neck" which means the first word if the next sentence should be capitalized, like this:

i shout as i sit up and pop my neck. “ Yeah well who knows what today is going to be like”

Capitalization of your i 's
What you wrote:

” i shout as i sit up and pop my neck.

What it should be:

” I shout as I sit up and pop my neck.

Dialogues.
Your dialogues was what a friend of mine describes as "hanging dialogues". Dont worry I had that same problem.
Look at this:

“Merry Christmas” exclaimed someone who is a dead man. “you know I hate mornings,” i started to turn in my bed and catch a glimpse of the clock “ITS FIVE THIRTY TWO IN THE MORNING” i shout as i sit up and pop my neck.

Now look at this:

“Merry Christmas,” exclaimed someone who is a dead man.
“You know I hate mornings,” I started to turn in my bed and catch a glimpse of the clock,
“ITS FIVE THIRTY TWO IN THE MORNING!” I shout as I sit up and pop my neck.

Isn't that much eaisier to read?

Nouns and Adverbs
Nouns: "Clay" is the name of a person isn't he? so instead of writing clay you need to write Clay.
Adverbs: Adverbs help a story sound much better! Look at this:

i shout as i sit up and pop my neck.

Now look at this one:

i shout angrily as i sit up and pop my neck.

Your story is written in the present tense making it a little harder to read and to write. Watch this:
What you wrote:

“ITS FIVE THIRTY TWO IN THE MORNING” i shout as i sit up and pop my neck. “

Look at what I changed it to:

“ITS FIVE THIRTY TWO IN THE MORNING,” I shouted as I sat up and popped my neck. “

Sounds better doesn't it?
But you may continue to write the story in the present tense, that part was just my personal opinion.
You have many other grammatical errors that you should check over.
I'm just trying to help you, for I had some of the same problems. Post the next chapter on my wall when you are finished and I will review!