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140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
The first thing i want to say is good job. This is a poem that gets right down to the point in a way that is easy to understand. That is why i am going to review it.
First, I agree with MiddleEarthGal. You should probably cap King, Him, He, and His.
On the other hand, My favorite stanza was "In his eyes we flourish in our eyes he fades"
This really sets up that He cares about us, but in our eyes, we don't think about Him that often.
Another stanza that i really enjoyed was "When all fails we blame Him when all succeeds we praise Him"
This makes us realize that we tend to blame God when something bad happens and praise Him when good things happen. It makes us realize that we sometimes just want good things, and that is why we "stay" with God.
This is a very nice poem. I love it. I think it is very good, with a very good subject.
May I first start off by saying Bravo? Your timing with the whole thing is really great.
I think my favorite line was "In His eyes we flourish, in our eyes He fades." It is so sad, but unfortunately so very true.
The only thing is should He, Him, and King be capitalized? I don't really know much about poetry, but God and everything related is usually capitalized...
Bottom line: Great poem, with a powerful point.
~Meg
I really like this, it very simply shows how Man has slowly lost sight of God. I especially like the first paragraph, cause even when man refuses to acknowledge Him, He is still in control. however, I would add another paragraph or two to bring it to a further conclusion.
I like this. You have a strong point to make, and you convey it well. It seems a bit lacking in emotion, however, and hard to emotionally connect to.
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Hey Jester!
I've been trying for a while now to figure out a way to say this, but it's never come to me- I'm really glad that it came to you, and that you shared this!
~ God, and everything related to Him, is capitalized. I'm not sure why, out of respect I suppse (since the false gods of Greece are not capitalized, unless you're referring to a specific 'deity' like Zeus, and that's only so because it's his name.) So when you're using 'He' 'Him' 'His' when referring to God, it's always capitalized. Two places in this bit of your poetry, you didn't capitalize- and there's one more bit in the succeeding paragraph (stanza? Not really sure about poetry terms, sorry).This is a really great poem! I really enjoyed it!
But, I always try to give fair reviews- so I'll point out the flaws I saw, in addition to the praise.
Also, in the first bit of your poem, you capitalize every line. I was taught that this is the proper way to write poems, though I have been told by several people that poetic license gives authors the option of forgoing this rule. Either way, you obey it in all but your last, and third to last lines- which are not capitalized. You should be consistant (and I'd recommend keeping the capitalized lines.
Anyway, very good poem.
You're a very talented writer, and it's refreshing to read a bit that not only doesn't attack my beliefs- but supports them.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Beautiful piece of work and has a reference to god which I think could help in anyone's situation. It helps us remember that we need to be more grateful and thankful for what we have and who we are.
"when all fails
We blame him
When all succeeds
We praise him"
I love this paragraph of the poem, it is so very much valid and interesting and leaves me full of thought.
We all need a reminder of how to treat our lives and opportunities and this is a sign or reminder that. An get thought to some that may need it most. Usually writing is represented or stereotyped to be for depressed or sad souls but it is for anyone. Your references to god made me think a lot And this amount many other thoughts is an important statement. Thank you and I hope this is helpful and you appreciate it.
Keep writing
Stay awesome
Hi dallythejester
This is such a simple poem, but at the same time that's what gives off its uniqueness, as it feels it doesn't need fancy words or gritty language to get its point across, only the sudden changes in perspective and time, which works surprisingly effectively to give a poignant tale that doesn't even need to clarify it's backstory (I assume the aim is to let the reader make its own conclusions) to tell you what's going on.
Some could say the positives are also its negatives, the extreme lack in lengh, the all too simple structure and the vaigness in plot, so if there's anything to improve at all, perhaps it could be those.
On the whole though, well done, a tightly packed minor epic, if you will, that has such a great subject in such a small space of writing, so I hope to see many more poems that have this certain slant to life like this one.
Keep on writing!
Hey Dally,
Cool poem, very simple, but that's part of what makes it so great. I don't see anything here to critique, but I like the style and the format this is in, it gives it a great flow, which I really like in poetry. The idea is awesome too, nothing I could have come up with. Well, sorry, I couldn't be of much help, but I really like this poem, keep up the great work.
Zephion