When all of life is darkness,
And I can't find a glimpse of light,
When troubles seem unending,
And hatred clouds my sight,
I try to think of you,
And all you saw in me,
Of the wisdoms that you whispered,
While I sat happy on your knee.
But now I find it hard,
Your face fades in my mind.
What am I supposed to do?
I need you now to help me,
To hold me close and say
“Tell me, don't worry..
It's all going to be okay”
But I know that you are gone,
And I'm angry at you for it.
This feeling seems displaced,
The cancer wasn't your fault.
But the feeling is unrelenting,
You left me here alone.
You left me in world of dangers,
Of things I should have known.
But slowly the hate and anger
Develop and progress.
I know it wasn't you fault
That I fell into this mess.
You lived your life with joy
And then one day you died.
I still miss you every day...
But the love grows as the grief subsides.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm sorry about your grandmother, assuming this is nonfiction. Poetry does make a good outlet of expression.
Now for the criticisms... I may sound bossy and/or critical, but it's just the poem I'm editing, not your style.
first: you chose to rhyme. In some places, the words flow nicely, but in others, it's very tedious and lacks the delicate note that poetry is prized for. Your daring rhyme is a good start. Of all things in writing, my worst aspect is trying to rhyme, and I'm not very good for adivce about rhyming, it just takes a little fine-tuning... tip: read your work aloud (especially if it rhymes!) to see how it sounds. Some of the most clever combinations of words can sound raspy and harsh if they don't flow perfectly. Keep trying!
Otherwise, I saw a couple places where it could use commas, and some where a different word would have been better, but no big flaws.
Keep Writing!
Unoriginal, but very good rhythm, except for the second line. Since 'glimpse of' doesn't help much with the slight staleness of the image and significantly detracts from the pleasure that comes from reading this aloud, I suggest you take it out entirely, leaving 'And I can't find a light'.
You change the pattern of number of syllables per line here -- from 7, 6 (ideally), 7, 6 to 6, 6, 8, 8. It's not as jarring as it could be, but consistency would be nice, and you could easily change it to something like "I want to remember you, and all you saw in me, and the wisdom you whispered, while I sat on your knee".
After this, the neat rhyme scheme and rhythm break down in enough places that you should probably do a thorough rehaul. Read it aloud, and so forth. Try not to force the rhyme, even if it means repeating yourself; what your poem has on its side is simplicity and pleasant sounds, rather than stunningly creative language, and you should focus on those strengths.
Wow. That was really deep, and I liked it. I can relate to it. Its like when I lost my grandpa...I felt the same way. I didn't find many errors when I read it, maybe a few, but I thought it was well written. Great job!
Hi Daisy! I'm Kamas and welcome to this site!
Is this your first poem? If it is then I am here to review.
Give you some constructive criticism to help you improve it when you are editing it.
If I sound harsh, do not worry! I do not mean too, I'm just here to help and if you do not want to take anything I say into account then you are not forced too.
Now here we go:
Suggestions
The flow of the stanza is a hacked up. The best way to fix that is the words. By adding, removing or changing words it can make the difference between choppy flow or a smooth low.
I suggest you remove the "and" in the second line, change the word "unending" it doesn't fit. It is too long, try something like : continuous, constant, relentless (If you find a better word, do go ahead!)
The next biggest thing! Punctuation. It is the trickiest thing to use in poetry. But using a period saves your poem from being a huge run-on sentence.
So:
(Corrections in Bold and Removals in italics)
See what so little changes do?
Suggestions:
The flow is choppy here too. Once again punctuation and wording is important. I think you should cut out the "try to" in the first line and maybe the "in me" in the second line. I would also change "wisdoms" to wisdom and cut out the "happy"
It would look like this:
I sounds very different no? Flow is very hard to get right and takes a lot of practice! You are doing a very good job already. My best tip to working on flow: Think of your poem as a song, speak it out loud and if it doesn't run off your tongue like water there is something that is throwing it off. Of course it is hard to create something that perfect, but try your best every time and you will get it down to an art
Sidenote: I loved the third lines. It was very pretty.
Suggestions:
Oh dear what happened here? All of your lovely stanzas had four lines, then suddenly three lines or an incomplete stanza that totally throws off the flow as well! Add one line, since you had a rhyming scheme in the other stanzas I suggest you redo it to fit in with the other stanzas.
Suggestions:
This stanza is a little bit messy but no worries, there is an easy fix. I believe that if you cut out the "to help me," in the first line and the rest of the stanza works!
Suggestions:
Hmmm. This seems like more of a conversation, there isn't much flow. I'll try my best to fix it without changing the stanza too much... Maybe:
I think that would fix up the flow without changing the poem too much.
Suggestions:
I would try something like this:
Suggestions:
This stanza has totally lost the flow you created. If you can't think of what too write, take some time off it and come back with a clear mind. It would help you think of better things to add. this stanza is one to redo. It is vital to the poem so you cannot just remove it. I will leave this one for you to figure out yourself for some personal critiquing!
Suggestions:
Are these supposed to be the same stanza? I hope so, having a random line is the same as the three lines above. It is out of place and throws everything you worked on away. Poetry is a pattern! Keep that pattern or it throws your reader off.
Well! Phew, I hope this was helpful!
Kamas