Security-Chapter One: The Security Soldiers

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The ground jumped up to meet his face. Hal fell, skidding across the wet concrete as all the air was knocked out of his lungs.                                                                                                                                

  “Well shit.” He scrambled back on to his feet but it was too late, the hulking men had him surrounded. Each one was at least a foot taller than him, though it wasn’t hard, and there was no doubt in his mind that each of them could break every bone in his body in a minute flat, maybe less for that one with the bald head and scar.                                                                                                              “You little punk.” Snarled the bald one; a gun the size of Hal’s arm was slung over the solder of his sand coloured military uniform. Hal eyed it wearily.                                                                                       

  “Come on guys, is this really necessary, I mean, it’s a loaf of bread, I’ll starve!” Hal said, he tried desperately to sound more confident than he was. The small piece of metal he used for a weapon was no match for their guns and besides; he’d dropped it when he fell. The only plausible weapons he had now were his fists and the small straggly bit of cloth he had wrapped around his mouth and nose.                                                                                                                                                          “Stealing from the Security Army is punishable by death, that’s the law.” Shrugged one of the others                                                                                                                                                                                           “T-the law!” Spluttered Hal “There haven’t been laws in years, you guys aren’t in power yet and for what it’s worth you’re not making me feel very secure.”   The bald one pulled his gun from his shoulder and aimed it straight at Hal’s head.                                                                                                                             “

Okay, you can have the bread back all right? It’s over there look, just let me go and we can forget all of this right?”                                                                                                                                                                         

   “Fraid not, you broke our laws, we can’t let that slide. Any final words?” The cold hard barrel of the gun was pushed into his skull.                                                                                                                                    

  “Umm, sure, yeah why not. If you win this war, which I seriously hope you don’t, you might want to give one of those funky nose tubes to everyone cos frankly my cloth is starting to smell a bit and it’s probably doing more harm than good, know what I mean? I mean I don’t even know if we need to cover our mouths and noses anymore I mean we’re not all dropping dead are we? I think we just like to feel safe but all the same, people like the nose things.” He pointed to the small, clear tubes in the nose of each person around him. The bald one rolled his eyes and cocked the gun, Hal closed his eyes. A gun fired.                                                                                                                                                   And the bald one fell to the floor.                                                                                                                     

 Hal opened his eyes and span around, looking for the shooter as the other two solders fell down dead. A young woman stood less than two meters away from him. He could only see her brown eyes, the rest of her face was covered with a dark green scarf, she wore a leather jacket with a red F above where her heart would be and in her left hand she held a gun, smaller than those used by the Securities but clearly just as powerful. For a moment they just stood there, neither of them saying anything.                                                                                                                                                                “Um, thanks.” He said after a moment. The young woman just rolled her eyes began walking away from him.  “Hey! Wait up!” He called; hastily he picked up his bread and metal before hurrying after her. “What’s your name? Are you a Freedom Fighter? Why did you save me? Not that I’m not grateful, but who are you? Can you slow down?” He jogged to keep up with her long strides; she stared unblinkingly ahead, ignoring his questions with what had to be practised stubbornness.                  

“At least tell me your name? I mean can I not know the same of the person who saved me?” The woman stopped, stared at him for a moment and sighed, once again she rolled her eyes.                   

“Fine, my names, Sarah, will you leave me alone now?” Her voice was muffled by the green scarf and Hal had to strain to hear here.                                                                                                                       

 “Sarah? Well thank you, Sarah for saving my life.” He said, Sarah nodded before walking away. Once again Hal began to jog after her.   “Sarah, Sarah wait. I want to come with you. I want to be a freedom fighter!” The girl, Sarah, whirled around and clasped a hand over his mouth. She dragged him to a side alley but did not remove her hand.                                                                                                                                               

 “Are you an idiot or just stupid? You’re going to get us both killed and I’ve already saved your ass once today, next time I might not be so helpful.” She hissed before slowly moving her hand, still glaring at Hal.                                                                                                                                                     “Sorry, I didn’t think. But please, let me come with you, I want to fight against them.” Hal said, willing her to let him come with her, although if she said no what could she do to stop him?        

You think it’s that simple? Christ, you must be stupid.” She looked at her watch and then up at the sky. “I’ve got to find a camp for the night,” she looked him up and down, never had Hal been more conscious of his skinny, five foot two frame.                                                                                                              

 “Oh for, okay, fine you can camp with me, you’ll just get yourself killed otherwise but you are not coming with me past that, understand?” She shook her head and looked around, eventually settling on an abandoned house a few metres down the abandoned street.                                            

“Okay, you follow me, you don’t make a sound, you don’t do anything unless I tell you, okay?” She asked, Hal nodded, not daring to say anything.                                                                              

   Sarah motioned for him to follow her, slowly they made their way to the house, Sarah’s gun was ready to fire all the way there and Hal couldn’t help but begin to feel unnerved by it. He was used to being prepared to be ambushed, he had to be, but the gun just made it seem more menacing, more real. Eventually they came to the house, Sarah went in first, gun aiming at anything and everything, but there was no one there. Still, only after a full sweep of the all the tattered and dusty rooms did she relax. She dumped her large, hard backpack on the floor and sat down next to it. Hal just stood there, unsure what to do.                                                                                                           “Well go on, sit down, or are you just gunna stand there all night?” She asked rolling her eyes for what Hal thought had to at least have been the fifth time. He sat down a little way away from her and removed the cloth from his face and nose and took a deep breath. The air was cleaner in the house, but not by much. He ran a hand through his messy brown hair and sighed, it was one of those days where he just didn’t know what to make of it. He’d almost been killed, a knot appeared in his stomach and he glanced over at Sarah who was removing her green scarf, he couldn’t let her know how scared he’d been, how much it’d shaken him or she’d never let him come with her.                

“That’s better.” She sighed, her scarf was completely off now and Hal could see her face properly. Her hair was black, tied back into a tight bun, her features prominent and her nose angled upwards slightly, freckles covered her pale skin.                                                                                                   

  “What are you staring at?”                                                                                                                                         

  Hal dropped his gaze, blushing as he realised he’d been starting. He wondered what it would be like to spend all day with your face covered, having his nose and mouth covered was annoying enough.                                                                                                                                                                                            “Do you all cover your faces like that?” He asked, still not looking at her, instead he picked at a loose thread in his tatty jeans.                                                                                                                     

“Yeah, it’s supposed to keep us from getting ill, not that’s there’s really any germs left, but it helps keep our identity hidden too I suppose, so don’t go blabbing about this to anyone okay? I know it’s probably the first time a girl’s ever talked to you but you need to keep it to yourself. If anyone asks you were…I dunno…skipping around the city or whatever the hell it is you do in your spare time.” She shrugged                                                                                                                                                          “I’ll bear that in mind.” Said Hal, shaking his head slightly.                                                                          

   “What’s your name anyway?” She rummaged in her bag and handed him a can of something and a spoon.                                                                                                                                                                                          “Thanks, and its Hal, Hal Garaceo.” He opened the can of food, noodles, and began to eat them hurriedly, it’d been too long since he’d had anything he hadn’t stolen or found, although found food tended to be a little on the off side.                                                                                                      

  “Hal Garaceo, what were your parents, nutters?” Sarah shook her head.  Hal was unsure if he was going to blush or yell. He didn’t do anything.                                                                                         

“What did those Securities have against you anyway? What’d you done?”                    

 “I didn’t do anything! I just, kinda took a loaf of bread from one of their camps.” He said through a mouth full of noodles, not caring if it was bad manners or not.                                                             

“You-Jesus, do you have a death wish or something, what the hell did you do that for?” She stared at him somehow still scowling, and a slight sparkle in them. Hal shrugged.                                                         

“I was hungry, I hadn’t eaten all day and I’d hardly eaten the day before that. It was steal off them or die and I guess I just didn’t feel like dying.” He said, with a shrug, as if it wasn’t a big deal. Sarah just glared at him until Hal became uncomfortable. Eventually he dropped his gaze and Sarah rummaged in her bag, she pulled out a blanket and threw it over herself, she rested her head on her backpack, turning over without saying a word. Hal watched her for a moment longer before he relaxed, leaned against the threadbare sofa and closed his eyes.              

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
crossroads
Review

Hi there :)

So. This is a nice piece, I liked it. You made me wonder what is that world they live in, who are really those characters, where will it all lead to..

Yet there are things you could work on. First of all, though it's not so hard to follow this way either, you may consider replacing your commas with hyphens, for example, now and then. More or less, it creates the same separation, but when a reader reads that, he doesn't feel like it's all really one sentence (though it is). But that's really not that big of an issue.
What I'm more worried about, is where are you heading with this. For now, though it seems to be having the potential of becoming a good novel, it feels to me a bit like you've found yourself a nice scheme to follow, designed the concept of Freedom Fighters and Security Army.. And then just put in characters that had to be there to make a story. You have one MC who's poor (probably orphan as well?), who steals but is for sure a good guy, who acts a bit foolish now and then but, of course, will prove himself to be brave when needed and he's not afraid of talking back to the authorities. And you have another MC, who's a mysterious hero and a savior of the first MC, who doesn't like talking much and probably has a secret (a touching one?) yet to be discovered.
Perhaps I'm mistaking in some of the guessing, but you get where I'm heading - it's something seen a bunch of times, and, for now, there's nothing really much that makes Sarah and Hal so much different from any other characters that fit the profile. I want to hear what their stories are. I know that's something you probably wish to show piece by piece as the novel progresses, but there must be something to hook me.. Something that would make me, even if there were no names written in the next chapter, know who is saying what and what may be hiding behind those words. Perhaps you could consider giving them a catching phrase they use often, or a tone of voice that's specifically made just for them, or a piece of description to make them memorable. Like you did with making his name a bit strange :) you should expand that to other features too.

I don't know how much of it you've written so far (other novels or stories, that is), but it seems to me somewhat as if you've read a book you liked and wished to write something similar. Which is not a bad thing, as long as you don't forget to be yourself. Don't be afraid to add the stuff you've never encountered anywhere before! Trust me, you do have the potential to do so - make them live the way other writers haven't done it yet, and readers will be happy to remember your characters ^_^

I hope I wasn't too harsh, I really tried not to be.. I hope you will understand what I'm talking about and improve it a bit.. And keep writing - practice makes perfect, right?

Kind regards,
Aria

User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:57 am

Hey there.

“Fraid not, you broke our laws, we can’t let that slide. Any final words?” The cold hard barrel of the gun was pushed into his skull.


Your starting sentences imply to me that it's desperate times and everyone is fending for themselves. I would think the dialogue between the protagonist and the soldier to be more hostile and aggressive. It sounds more like a mutual thing there, which is strange.

Overall impressions:

I'll start with Sarah first of all. I think she's a rather bland character right now. She's just a typical "saved you last minute type of hero" that you see so much in Hollywood movies right now. I think there needs to be more of an effort to characterize her to put her out of that mold. Think more about who she is as a person, what she stands for, her background etc.

I also think it's rather cliche that Sarah is going along the "Don't do anything unless I tell you" route, which is what I typically would expect from such a character, and really I'm rather tired of it. A big part of this problem is that your dialogue is something that I've heard a hundred times in cartoons and bad Hollywood movies. Try to be more creative when it comes to dialogue, as it plays a big role in characterization.

What happens in this piece is rather boring to be honest. You just have two characters exchanging routine info on their day and their status, and them just camping. There's just no hook in this, I don't really see where this is going. It's obvious they are going to travel together, but what else? Why should I care as to what happens to them next?

With your protagonist, I like the idea of him being someone that just wants to survive, be carefully and behave rationally (as suggested by the first few dialogue of the character) but you really stopped that trend later on. And lastly, it would be better if I have a better idea as to where this is all taking place and more on the scope of this world. Is this taking place in a forest? Describe it more. Why did they have to scour for food in the first place? Who exactly is the enemy.

Hope this helped.
Andy.

User avatar
Craz
Review
Craz wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 3:42 am

This is good. There are some errors, but overall the story line itself isn't half bad. I'm a little intrigued about the war they are talking about, and would like to read it some more. Please update me when the next part comes out. ~:P



You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer