Hi! ouo I wrote this a while ago, just this is the only piece of writing I can find on the computer I'm on at the moment...But, hey, whatever XD I'll put up a newer piece of writing when I'm on my normal computer for more crits.
Can you guys give me some crits on this? Word structure, emotion, all that jazz? Thanks : D
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"Just..pretend."
She let out a quivering whimper, staring up at the man above her. "…Pretend what?"
The man let a smirk form on his blood stained face. "That you're safe, of course."
Her breath caught in her throat; as if she needed more pain there. Tomi could have sworn that the last punch that was delivered shattered it. A whimper escaped her lips; could this be it? The man that stared her down with large, dark eyes, was so large..so powerful..
..So crazy, so psychotic. The eyes that stared down at her, weren't human at all, she thought. Her heart pounded against her ribcage, her breathing became harder to follow through. Oh god, she was going to die. This man, or whatever he was, was going to kill her, and no one was going to save her. Realization dawned on her.
No one would save her. Not tall Toren, with a grin that never faded, not Relix, who's heart never ceased to care for everyone and everything. Certainly not Cathal; he thought she was baggage, someone to carry around; a pest. Her green eyes widened, and finally, she let out a scream. The man grinned; was he..pleased? Pleased at the sound of her shriek, at the sight of her on the ground, bleeding?
The pain was getting worse now; oh god, it hurt so badly. It stung all over, to the cuts on her ankles to the gashes on her ribs. Maybe if she lay..just laid there, and let the man's fists come down on her, taking in the pain, letting the man's husky laughter fill the room, until there was nothing left but left over air coming out of her lungs. Would that make the pain go away? All the pain that she suffered?
"Scream," he said. Her head flung up, her eyes widening. All her attention was focused on the huge butcher blade above her; so intimidating, so sharp. It stared down at her, floating above its master's head, awaiting permission to make her scream.
"N-no!" she choked out. She let out a yelp, barely jumping out of the way. The blade smashed down on the floor, leaving a hole in the ground. The man looked up, fire in his eyes as his smile grew larger. "I said to scream, I don't hear you screaming yet, now do I?" he began to laugh.
Her eyes widened, her breath escalating. She needed to leave, needed to get out of the shack. Her green eyes darted in a desperate attempt to find a door, but to no prevail. The man was clever, despite the fact that he was crazed; the doors were sealed with random household items that were scattered around the shack. Oh god, why did she ever agree to stay the night? Her legs were shaking, her sides spewing with blood. Her mind was getting fuzzy, and nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Where was she, again? Who? What? Where?
She fluttered her eyes closed, slinking against the wall. Her chest was rising, over and over again, in an attempt to regain the breath that she was unable to gain earlier. She could just sleep..just sleep and make all the bad people, all the bad things, all the pain go away…one deliver from that butcher knife…and she'll float into darkness. She found a sense of tranquility in that thought.
Are you mad? If you die, we both die. A voice sneered in her mind. She wanted to groan, but even talking scratched her throat. That pesky demon-
"Are you dead already?"
His voice sounded bored, and perhaps even saddened. She froze, her muscles aching with the sudden tense; if only her muscles could cry, imagine how much they would! Footsteps were growing louder; the sound of muffled laughing came flowing to her ears.
Where was he? Was he in front? Across the room from her? The sounds suddenly stopped.
"…Nope, not dead."
Her eyes snapped open. No, not ready to die yet, she thought. Not ready at all! In a desperate attempt to get the man away, far far away, she stuck her long legs into his stomach as hard as she could from sitting down. "Stay away! Stay away and go back! Go back!" she breathed. Oh god…she glanced on the ground. Complex swirls of crimson laced together on the cherry wood floor, staining her hands and rum. Was that her blood? Was that all her blood?
Swallowing down her fear, she looked back up at the man. He was doubled over, frozen in place. From the looks of it, he was unable to move. At this time, she faintly remembered that she was a rogue, after all, and she delivered swift, quick, blows, not powerful ones like Toren. Why was this man in so much pain? The blood was leaving quickly, her vision blurring together. Maybe she could sleep…
More laughter. Oh god, the laughter that came to her ears so swiftly; the slow, cracking laughter that was not at all normal.
"I like it when they fight back," he chuckled, stumbling backwards. He wiped blood from his face, grinning up at her. His eyes wide, a crazed grin on his face.
"Oh, this is going to be fun!"
~End~
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thanks for all the crits and reviews! : D They're really useful; I'll definitely put up another story ouo b
Hi! Pink here, dropping by for a quick review.
So I do have a few nitpicks that I'd like to point out.
I honestly don't see the point in putting in the ellipse first. I recommend taking that out and just sticking with "Pretend what?"
I don't understand why she thinks getting hurt more will save her from more pain. I mean, maybe she just wants to be numb, if so, I would say that instead. Hit me! Hit me until I'm numb and can't feel anymore pain! Haha, something like that.
I don't get how you can be bored and sad. It's weird and honestly, hard for me to imagine. Why not say ' His voice sounded bored, but yet she could hear the sadness behind his cold words"
Just a suggestion though
Overall
In the end, I liked this. I mean the crazy psycho dude was like...really, really, creepy and I was scared and uncomfortable while reading this. I mean, geez! D: I felt so bad for her and I was like, "please! Please, get up and fight back!"
Then you go off and tell us there's a voice inside her head and I was thinking of Meyer's "The Host" but instead of another person it was a demon and I really thought that was cool. I haven't read much stories like that and this is quite intriguing. Your grammar was good and so was your description. You had some pretty nice imagery going and that what I'm always looking out for, being able to 'see' the story go by like a movie in your head and you did a pretty sweet job with that.
Now, just a quick comment on her character, I think she's really weak here. Like, completely out of hope and I like strong characters and her feeling like giving up was sort of making me angry. But, This is just an excerpt and I'm sure there's more to her than I know.
Overall, this was a neat and scary read. Keep it up!
~Pink
Hi Tewer! :'D (yes I felt the need to comment, shut up. BC)
You already know that I really like this story, but here I am saying it again anyway~ You know I completely forgot how this story ended? Before I read it over I could've sworn you had thrown Barry the Chopper in there somewhere, but when I read through it again it was like reading it for the first time! XDDDD
Anyway, I love your writing cause its very emotional and descriptive, this one especially. c:
I know this is old, but here are my comments anyways...
Is she realizing that no one was coming to save her, or realizing that she was going to die, or something else? "Realization dawned on her" seems a bit awkward where it is, that and it sounds like she already knows all the stuff you mentioned. If you don't wanna take it out, maybe move it somewhere else? XD
I'm confused about this part. When you say "she delivered swift, quick blows..", do you mean she was actually hitting him, or are you just saying that when she attacks they're fast hits?
I love how evil you make the guy attacking Tomi. I'm pretty sure I asked this before, but that isn't Nolan, is it? XDD If it is, you made him AWESOME.
But yeah, besides all the minor stuff like the few grammar mistakes, this was very well-written. You're so good at writing out emotions and whatnot, however I think you should work on actions a bit, at times you make them a little too descriptive than necessary, which isn't always helpful when you're trying to write a fast-paced fight scene or anything.
I still want to see more from you~
I rather like this. Let's see if we can clean it up a little.
Ellipses have three dots, not two. Without that extra dot, it creates an odd timing.
The continuation of the previous sentence in the new paragraph is awkward. That's because paragraphs are based on one idea; a proper transition moves from one idea to another one. Put all the "OMG, he's evil" stuff in the former; put all the "OMG I'm going to die" stuff in the latter. Also, rib cage is two words.
"Realization dawned on her" is weak because she already had the realization. It's almost like saying "He killed her, then she died." Completely redundant.
Is it that no one would save her or that no one could save her? If people are able to save her, but are unwilling to, then by all means keep it "would." But if they aren't able to stop him, then "could" would be more appropriate.
The ending is a little confusing. It seems like the character is moving around, but I don't really know the layout. That is part of the problem with excerpts. To be sure, you might want to try writing the scene, based only on the movement of the character. That way, you can focus only on what the character is doing; not so much on the dialogue. The idea is that you take all of it and include it in the main story draft.