Weakness?

Hi, Cyrus!

Wow, I really like rhyming poetry if it's done well, and you did it really well!

I'm locked in you-
I am aware-
trapped inside
your captive stare.
Those amber eyes
are my demise,
the Trojan Horse
of your disguise.

This is the stronger half of the poem, because you didn't deviate from the rhythm once, and the rhythm and the good rhymes make this a rather impeccable piece of a poem. Maybe it's because I'm very keen on symmetry and neatness (though you couldn't tell that by my room at home) that I also get so excited after reading something with excellent rhymes.

But that's nothing to
your lullaby-
the siren's song
that makes me cry.
But out of sorrow
or out of bliss?
I'd never know
but for your kiss,
Like Heaven's Hell-
I am aware-
A Judas Kiss,
but I don't care.

This is where the rhythm bent a little under the weight. The first line of this half "But that's nothing to" sounds off, because it doesn't follow the same metre as the rest: you suddenly switch from iamb to trochee on that one line.

Iamb is when the rhythm goes like this: "the TROjan HORSE of YOUR disGUISE" - the emphasis is on the second syllable of the foot. My glossary of poetry terms isn't vast enough to explain what a foot in poetry actually is, but in this case it's basically two syllables together. So if we look at the Trojan horse line, you see it has four feet:

the Tro|jan horse| of your| disguise

Trochee is when the rhythm goes like this: "BUT that's NOTHing TO" - the emphasis is on the first syllable of the foot. In this case, the last foot is incomplete and the "to" gets paired with sort of a pause marking the rest of the foot (you'll notice this when you read it out loud).


So if you've read your poem out loud, you'll have noticed that there's that one bit that sounds off, and here is a very long tedious explanation as to why xD

Unfortunately the rest of the second half gets affected by the metre switch and isn't as strong as the first one. It's like the whole poem gets a little confused itself and forgets the point it was trying to make.

The references are interesting because you have "Trojan" and "siren" - but also "Heaven", "Hell", and "Judas". I prefer the Odyssey references actually, but I'm intrigued by both, just because they appear in the same poem.

Well, I hope there was a point somewhere in here... Really well done on the rhymes, and I'd like to see some more!


Demeter
x

Hey there!

cyrus1667 wrote:Weakness? #FF0000 "><- Wait, is this part of the poem, or just the name of the poem? If it's the latter, it's best if you add some gap between the title and the poem because it really looks like it's a part. And if it is a part of it, I suggest you remove it.
I'm locked in you#FF0000 ">- comma
I am aware#FF0000 ">- comma
trapped inside
your captive stare.
Those amber eyes
are my demise,
the Trojan Horse
of your disguise.
But that's nothing to
your lullaby#FF0000 ">- comma
the siren's song
that makes me cry.
But out of sorrow
or out of bliss?
I'd never know
#FF0000 ">but for your kiss, I'm a little confused here?
Like Heaven's Hell#FF0000 ">- comma
I am aware#FF0000 ">- comma
A Judas Kiss,
but I don't care.

I actually really like this poem! Though, I'm not certain of the parts where you added a hyphen. I think it should be a comma instead.

Other than that, its really good. Also, since it rhymes, you can make it into stanzas of four. That is, if you want it that way, but it's good this way as well.

Keep writing!
-TwistedMuffins.