Young Writers Society

Thank you all for your comments! This was more of a spur of the moment poem, something I'm hoping to develop further. I used lots of quotes from various people which I do need to cite... (you share a common heritage with earthworms; the earth has a cancer, and that cancer is man; maintain humanity under a half billion; and the last stanza was entirely a quote) ... basically this poem is fueled by infuriating quotes and if I took them out there would be nothing left. Citing the quotes would give them more weight, obviously, though I realize that using quotes so much in a poem is sort of against the nature of the poem... my main point with this was to let out some frustration and to try to get people to see how ridiculous some of these things are. Further comments are welcome, as this is very much still in the works.

You're opening example fails to show satire, and could be stronger. Also, I think perhaps some common ingredient to all 4 stanzas would be beneficial, a refrain, perhaps? As it is now, it seems rather choppy. And yes, the last stanza is far to close to the infamous quote:
"Either we are alone in the universe or we are not; both possibilities are frightening" So you might want to change that before you get the FCC [random reference--deal with it :p] breathing down your neck.

I really enjoyed this. I don't have too much to say about the poetic structure--it's kind of incohesive and doesn't really follow a pattern between stanzas--but the messages were thought-provoking and presented in an amusing manner.

Okay.. you definitely have a grasp on language and stuff so I'll just tell you that you have a potential to be a great poet (you being a good poet so far).

With that said...

Number one doesn't really do it's job... it feels fallicious to me and though I know it's supposed to be sarcastic, I don't see it. I think you should make the "don't do this" section a little longer and add something else. Whatever it is, it's a problem of me wanting more, and that is a good thing.

Number 2 has that same feeling. I want to say there's something wrong with the way the stanzas are broken up, but I'm not quite sure how you could do it otherwise. In any case, it feels wrong because you address the rapist but not the incest, and it seems like you're leaving out those who want to have an abortion who are not impregnated by rapists or fueled by incest. So, because this part fails to touch all of life, it fails. O_o

Number three was... funny, I guess, but at the same time this one felt a little long. I think you need to get to your point quicker.

Number four was the best, but I'm not sure it was really yours. It seems that you took the quote:

"Either there is a God or there isn't; both possibilities are frightening."

...and just switched two of the words around and put it in poetic form. With this said, that's very very close to plagiarism, and I would probably get rid of that stanza, as it seems you were not the originator of it. Or, you need to cite your souce.

I think the opening wasn't quite strong. But overall a really great idea. Love it!

Really you should have a capital for the first word of every line if it's a poem...

I don't think the opening of the first is very strong and there's a typo. The eighth line should be 'you're' rather than 'your' Hmmm. Other than that the ideas interesting and it has potential. The last line is rather random actually. Perhaps you should try and tie it in with the rest and then think of a stronger ending. Maybe save the issue on drugs and alcohol until then... Just a suggestion.


Second poem/stanza... On line five, you need a cpital letter after the exclamation mark and the beginning of line eight for why. Really you should have a capital for the first word of every line if it's a poem... I agree that you could add more humour here which always helps with the 'untochable' subjects but overall the context is good.


Third... Comma after trees, comma after whales. If it's a list I do think you need to add the grammar... I like the fifth and sixth line. It may be used quite regularly but it's still a very effective image. Again, add the capitals if only on the lines after those ending with a full stop. It does make it look much neater and more professional. I like the ending. Nice touch. Maybe add a little more, go into detail of how to keep humanity below half a billion before you end it. I think this one is my favourite though.

As for the last, it's very short to say that it covers such a huge issue but it's also very effective for that very reason. Maybe make it even simpler, like you could have -

God,
Or no God?
Either way
I'm scared

Again, just a suggestion and overall I found your work enjoyable so keep writing!

Your last part is my favorite, and the third a close second -- I laughed, I really did. The first two parts aren't as good satire as the third or as thoughtful as the last -- they're a little too didactic for my tastes.

part one would work better if it sounded more puffed-up and contradictory, more like the teachers/authority that says ridiculous things and that we all love to hate. Humor would work for your benefit here. Personally I think the second part would be better if it were more ridiculous and exaggerated, maybe talking very seriously [the more deadpan, the better] about ways to ask the fetus what it thinks of all this. I think humor/irony/exaggeration is the way to go... this poem is almost there, just not quite.