Published July 13, 2013
Entry 1
Dear Journal,
Let me start out by saying I am in no way, shape, or form in danger of committing suicide. In fact I’m confident that’s my real reason for writing in this, they want to keep an eye on me; my mom and Dr. Schneider, that is. “It’s good for grieving, you should just let your feelings out,” my mom claims. However I have a theory that she’ll be handing this journal straight to Dr. Schneider in a month or so.
I don’t think I’ll filter anything from my writing. It’s only for my own good, right? Also, I can convert this into an opportunity to prove to Dr. Schneider and my mom that I’m not completely mental.
I’ll save “story time” for later, but maybe now is as good a time as any to formally introduce myself. My name is Andrew Jackson, yes, like the president, but if you’re anything like my classmates, you know me as shit-head or fuck-face or one of the other coined terms they successfully produced in the vacant space where their brains are supposed to be. I live in Los Angeles, Mid-Wilshire to be exact, but i find myself in the neighborhoods surrounding me a lot more.
I always hear stories of these small-town prodigies so absorbed with their dreams, they're nearly spewing out of them . Here’s a little piece of advice: Don’t waste your time in LA. Here, you can dream all you like, but there will always be someone more talented, and they won’t make it either.
It’s funny actually, I have the perfect set-up: the big city, the rich parents filling me with aspirations that I couldn't care less about. Ivy League this, law school that, but to be honest, I don’t want any of that. In fact, I’m not even sure what I want at all. The closest thing I have to a job is this tiny little record shop I work at in Mid-City during the summer. Although minimum wage is a term absent from my boss’s vocabulary (Don't believe me? My pay check is lower than my GPA.), I’m OK with it…I use my job as an escape from everything else around me.
Summer is on its death bed now, and school will return to my normally empty schedule in a month or so. You’d think I’d be more excited about my senior year in high school. I'm not. At all.
School: A cesspool of cynical kids wishing
to take out their anger on those who deserve
it the least.
Like I said earlier, I still have a month left where I can make use of my time before I reenter the hell-hole that is school, and I really don’t plan on counting time down.
I figure I’ll close this before I start another rant. Maybe this whole journal thing isn't half that bad. I mean, it kind of gives me a chance to get in touch with my thoughts and— it’s nearly four in the morning. I have an appointment with Dr. Schneider in roughly three hours! I’ll talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Andrew Jackson
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141,270 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
I am so grateful for all of your reviews! I hope some of you don't mind if i use your input directly. I think they are great ideas! I plan on finishing a re-edit of the first entry very soon, and subsequently posting a first draft of the second entry! I would be very appreciative if you all continued to send your input, and follow Andrew's story!
Cheers,
Kevin (cycake)
Hey!
I have to say that you really grabbed my attention! I think this was really well done and I love the journal idea! It's very "Perks of being a Wallflower".
I think you could do a lot with this, and I'm very intrigued by the unknown mental ill that's plaguing your character!
I would definitely read on! You did really well! It was enjoyable, smooth, and all around easy to read.
Keep Writing!
Hello, Cgirl here for a review on your awesome story!
FIrst off, I love anything that is in journal form or a diary kind of thing. It catches my interest.
Second, when you were publishing this make sure to put some kind of rating on this like a "Strong Language rating".
Third, writing in journal form is an excellent way to give the readers an idea of how the main character thinks and his point of view of things. Also I would love to see why he has to write this journal.
This was really great! Keep it up!
Happy Review Day,
Cgirl
GOOD EVENING. & happy review day to you! I will review as I read to make it a little easier.
Here goes
“My name is Andrew Jackson, yes, like the president, but if you’re anything like my classmates, you would know me as shit-head or fuck-face or one of the other coined terms they successfully produced in the vacant space where their brains are supposed to be.” - I feel as though you could write this part a little differently. I think you could put it like 'You would have heard of be by the names.....'
I think that using the diary entry is a really good way for the reader to have a powerful insight into the personality of your character. I like this a lot!
I would say that I would love to know a little more about what Andrew looks like. I can't picture him in my mind right now which is distracting me away from the content.
I want to know why the patient is grieving and what he has done to make his closest family think he is mentally unstable! I hope it all comes out in the next instalments.
I agree with SeeminglyMeaningless where they ask who Andrew is talking to where he says, “Here’s a little piece of advice: Don’t waste your time in LA. Seeing as you most likely live in a town with a population of 12,000 people tops, multiply that by 100,000 and you still have less than LA’s population.” - It's a little unclear to me. (I also have the habit of breaking through the 4th wall on occasions.)
Good luck and I look forward to reading more from you soon!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
I find tis really interresting. The idea of your journal. It's very realistic, and classic.
Although, I do have some advice. Why don't you give your readers more discription? I believe the best way to write better is more details!
'I have an appointment with Dr. Schneider in roughly 3 1/2 hours! I’ll talk to you later.' This is the only part that really stood out to me. Any number lower than ten, should be spelled out.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this! And hopefully I didn't offened you!
Anyways, Please write more soon! I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!
Xoxoxooxs,
Love Katy
Hiya! Just passing by. Hope my review can be of some use ^^
First off, I'd like to say I was intrigued by the idea of a diary. I enjoy first person narratives, and diary entries are a really easy way to write directly from the point of view of the main character.
However, there are pitfalls to diary writing. The main being that the author is alive and safe, thus the writing. No matter what you write, no matter how harrowing or moving, we all know the main character is absolutely fine. The other main flaw is that the writing can quickly become stale. There's only so much colloquialism that a reader can handle. We read to escape; why read something that is pretty much a poorly written recollection of a bunch of events?
This is a sort of good opening. On one hand I'm wondering why the main character is grieving. On the other, it's not realistic. Psychologists don't have the time to read 50+ pages of scrawled thoughts; depending on the age of the patient, they generally prefer real-time conversation.
A few things here I'd like to address. Writing a diary limits how you introduce your main character, and the method you employed above is a little cheesy. I also dislike the random quotation marks. Is Los Angeles a utopia? If it's not, then why would you "take it for granted"? Do you know what I mean? You're being sort of contradictory.
Not sure what you mean by this? Did they get shot in the head, or... ?
Who are you writing this to? Are you addressing Dr. Schneider? Your mother? It's a little off-putting to break through the 4th wall. Also, Schneider is a clichéd name.
What does this mean? If I said, "money wasn't part of my vocabulary", it'd mean that I didn't know about money.
Tense is weird. If you're talking about summer, and then you talk about a previous schedule, doesn't that mean you're talking about *before* summer?
I'm not sure how to read this character. He seems to swear casually, but writes semi-professionally. Andrew is presumably 17ish; have you ever head a 17 year old boy say, "you'd think I'd have more excitement"? Or would he say, "You'd think I'd be excited" etc. Another thing I noticed with your writing is that it is very passive.
"You'd think I'd have excitement about my senior year, but let me denounce that now, because I have none" is passive compared to "Am I excited for my senior year? Absolutely not".
Another pet hate regarding journals is the closing statement, telling the reader that they're reading a recount of an event, as opposed to experiencing the event as it happens via other forms of narrative.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Hope they were helpful
- jhoi
@seeminglymeaningless
Thank you very much for your review! I understand (and mostly agree with) your insight and it is hugely appreciated! Although i do not wish to counter any of your critiques, as that would defeat their purpose, i would rather share my opinion on why i chose a diary format:
I personally love this format, because it gives the reader a direct connection to the protagonist. They are his words and no one else's, so it helps develop the character better. And frankly, my favorite books are all first person narratives, so there is that also...
Any way, thanks again, and i'll try and take the time in the future to review something you've written! Your review is very helpful and i will take it very seriously!
Sincerely,
Kevin (cycake)