*Give Love a Chance*
By: Myesha
Chapter 1
Lisa sat fingering her bagel. "How could this have happened", she thought. They were so deep in their love, she thought they would’ve been together forever. But, boy was she mistaken. She was mistaken badly. She leaned back in her seat replaying the horrid, shocking memory.
She was on her way home from work when she saw her boyfriend of one and a half years in their bed, with some slut. She was furious. She just wanted to kill them both, but they were lucky she wasn’t a killer. But, noone should push her. Her headline was make love not war. That’s just the kind of person she was. She hated fighting. But, today was different, she wanted to fight, to put her hands on someone.
''GET OUT!’’ Lisa screamed to the blonde laying next to Michael. The blonde quickly trudged to the other side of the room to retrieve her clothing. Lisa turned her head, careful not to see what was revealed from under the covers. After the blonde got her clothes, she ran out the room without a single word, let alone, a sound. Lisa turned to Michael with watery eyes, ''Why?’’ she asked, her voice quivering. Michael looked down to the floor. ''Why!’’ Lisa screamed. Her voice controlled and more pronounced now. He was still silent.
''In our own ho-,'' he shut her off.
''SHUTUP!’’ He screamed. She cringed. He was acting like SHE was the one that was caught in the bed with another person. ''You know our relationship was going down the drain the anyway!'' She cringed even harder as he continued. Her eyes watered even more. She closed her eyes to try to hold back the tear ,but one forced its way out.
''How could you? How could you do this to me? After all we’ve been through!?’’
''Lisa! You knew it yourself. Our relationship was going NOWHERE!’’ He exclaimed.
''So that was a reason to sneak around with another woman?’’
Michael looked down to the floor more quietly saying, ''I don’t love you anymore. Our joy isn’t there anymore. The spark is gone.’’
Lisa stood agaped, but she caught her breath.
''Is that really how you feel?’’ She asked, her face turning extremely pale. Her tears were pouring vigorously down her cheeks as she waited for his answer.
''Yes,’’ He said as a lump formed in the back of his throat. She finally snapped out of her daze when she saw an incredibly cute waiter coming towards her. She just acted natural. Not that she wanted to get with him or anything. Because her heart was torn in two. She probably wouldn’t ever get that close to any man again, anyways. She still couldn’t believe what happened between her and Michael. She almost cried thinking about it.
''Excuse me, Miss, are you done with that?’’ The cute waiter said pointing at her untouched bagel. He was so cute, tall, tan, muscular, brown hair and hazel eyes.
''Please , call me Lisa, and yes,I’m done.’’ She answered with a polite smile. ''How much for it?’’
''It’s on the house.’’ He gave her a little wink. ''Besides, you barely touched it anyway. That would only be a waste of money, wouldn’t it now.’’ Lisa let out a loud sigh. He eyed her curiously. Did she not want to talk to him? He studied her for while. ''Why would such a pretty young woman possibly be so down for'' he thought. She was young and she was definitely pretty. She had auburn brown hair, deep sad black eyes (almost like puppy dog eyes but not in a bad way though) ,full lips (kind of pouty),and a cute little button nose. He finally pulled himself away from her beauty and said,''May I ask you what’s wrong with you?’’
''Well, you just did.’’ She said sarcastically. He let out a soft chuckle. Humorous and beautiful. What a good combination. He thought. Sarcasm turned him on for some reason. He believed it’s a sign of a strong woman. Or just plain stubborn.
''Well ,I guess that’s a no. I’ll take this.’’ He grabbed the untouched bagel and the cup of coffee she barely even sipped.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
it sounds like it will be an awesome story.of all things dont use brackets when you write,commas work wonders.Dont abbreviate,bf??boyfriend is so much easier.dont talk in capital,use other words to show that the character is angry.also watch out for your were,where as well as there and their.Try not to confuse your reader too much.Let us know what is past tense and pretense.Also try to use names more,dont always refer to them as he and she
Hi!
I liked this - it's very well written. However, there are always the nitpicks...
It should be 'their love'.
It should be no one
The commas are a bit muddled here. I think you could put it like this:
Or, if you prefer, make it two sentences:
I think you meant to say 'tears'?
I think there should be some kind of visible separation between what she's remembering and the present - for instance, if the memory is in italics. Otherwise the reader gets a bit of a shock and feels slightly confused when they're taken out of the memory so quickly.
If this is a thought, I think it would be better off in italics. Also, it's either: 'why would such a pretty young woman possibly be so down?' Or: 'what would such a pretty young woman possibly be so down for?'
That all I could find for now!
Just beware of speech. Make sure that each time someone speaks, you start a new line - and go over your text to make sure that it's not:
"What a nice day," She said.
and is:
"What a nice day," she said.
I found this mistake a few times...
Apart from that, and with a little revising, the story's great!
Keep writing!:D
Well the story is too vague to see where the plot is going at the moment so I won't comment on that.
What I will say however is that the writing may be a little too colloquial. Using words like bf and the use of brackets is somewhat unprofessional. Try to up the standard of the whole piece by changing these little things. They are not incorrect in any way but it still raises any piece of work to a higher level
Also beware at some points the story did not flow so well. Try not to use conjunctions in the beginning of sentences so much. It jars the flow.
What I did like about it was however the honesty. Lisa seems troubled and she is not afraid to show it. What I would like to see more is less of a narrative and more of an inside look at Lisa's thoughts. Love stories told from first person have more impact I would say but that is a question of taste and style really.
Hope I helped
TC
Thoughts really should be itaclized from the rest of your writing. It lets your readers know its a thought and not just apart of the writing.
I'm not sure about this, but I feel 1 1/2 should be words rather than numbers. I also think that their shouldn't be in all caps, try itazlizing.
I don't think the comma is really nescarry.
Why so many exclamtion points? One is only required. As for the second part. Try the setence like this: Lisa screamed to the blonde laying next to Michael, her boyfriend. Your writing, don't use text like words.
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I mostly find grammtical or punucation errors. Other people will find plot/chararcter issues or whatever. But that's all I could find!