I guess there has always been this place filled with monsters but the people around me just don't seem to notice. When I came to my seances it was as if the world itself decided to abandon all it was, all the logical things that i had known throughout my life as the truth. It was as if the world had thrown them out the window and in it's place of a terrible nightmare. I guess it was my terrible nightmare. The people around me acted as one would expect if a young lady suddenly ran up to them talking about monsters, they called the police. I decided it might not be for the best to go around yelling at people, there was no doubt that I would have done the same. But that didn't really change the situation more it changed the players, if nobody else could see these monsters then why can I? I think i must have tried to rationalize the situation for hours so by time I had decided to go home the rain had stopped and I had a cold. I decided that maybe I had started hallucinating due to over working my self and that this was just a really detailed nightmare. After fully convincing myself and avoiding eye contact on my way back home I some how manged to get back to my house in one peace. Fully exhausted from the days events i collapsed onto my bed and fell straight to sleep. though through the exhaustion and a lack of being able to think straight from the last day I must have forgotten to lock my door because the next morning i found a stranger sitting on my couch.
"Umm who the hell are you and how did you get in here?"
I was looking for the second answer in that question but all I got back was
"i'm Brian who are you?"
Not what i was after
"My name is Alice and this is my house how did you get in here?"
I tried my best to emphasize the how bit but...
"Ah so this is where you live."
Is all I got back, frustration turned to anger quickly.
"Look I don't actually care how you got in i don't wan't you to be in here any more. Leave before I call the police"
raising my voice and pulling out my cell phone to drive the point home and again he gave me an answer that I simply didn't wan't.
"Hahaha, go ahead and call the police let's see how that goes."
His tone of voice sent me over the edge as I started dialing the number I reach over to him to grab his arm. But as I reached out my hand to grab what i had believed to be his arm it simply passed through and I grabbed the air between his arm and the couch. Before I was even finished dialing the numbers I heard a 'thunk' as my phone hit the ground but I couldn't move the world stopped making seance again i just stood there mouth a gape with my arm out stretched in the vain hope of grabbing something that was not there i didn't move for a long time as my brain was slowly turning over this new information in my head i just keep thinking 'there has to be a logical explanation there has to be' but none ever came. After a while a felt a hard impact on my face as my mind focused on the reality around me i had realized the man named Brian was the one that hit me and this left me even more confused.
"you wouldn't answer me so"
he said apologetically
"i don't understand"
was all that i could come up with. No questions just 'i don't understand'
so as it happens this world is filled with monsters that live among us but the two worlds are almost the same with some things like how we communicate, or how we walk are different pulse our life spans are well different.so in face there are a lot of differences but Brian said that we are the same. To be honest I think that it was just to calm me down. First i needed to see what are my limitations in his world were and his were to mine as this crossed my mind the words split out of my mouth. They sounded incomprehensible but for some reason he replayed.
"The reason i can touch you but you can't touch me? Well you have a lot of spiritual power to would be harmful if you were to grape me and your power over came mine this would mean death for the one who loses." i mad the connection in my mind but i had to ask.
"Dose that mean because you hit me you have less power than i do?"
He gave pause to this.
"Yes it does, I guess?"
"ha?"
I was almost out of words
"You guess? Your saying you hit me even though there was a 50 - 50 chance of me dying?!"
"U-um no i knew you were stronger"
He manged to stutter out as if coming up with a lie on the fly.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
RIGHTIO
God dammit Emma. Emma? Who's Emma, welp you're now Emma.
ANYWAY, I mean this politely but your spelling, grammar and punctuation. It's a bit... shit.
So yea, work on that. Oh and capitalization, you know the stuff they teach you in Primary school and Intermediate.
A lot like what Stormcloud has written is that you need to break up the different people that are talking and the story itself needs to be broken up into more bite size chunks. Also consider planning out your story with a rough guide of where you want it to go and the plot before you start writing.
Also your story should flow, keep that in mind, make it like a river and just go with where it takes you. Or not? Who am I to tell you what to do. However do take into consideration that you will need to make serious changes for this to become... readable.
Anyway,
- Tiggs
Hi, currey0. Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!
First and foremost, you need to work on your spelling, grammar, and sentence structure. To be frank, it's not good. It is incredibly hard to read writing that's like this because, on top of incorrect spelling and grammar, the sentence itself is confusing. You also need to work on your walls of text. This story definitely has over 500 words, but you only have three paragraphs. That's a problem!
As I said before, grammatical mistakes run rampant in this sentence and throughout the entire story. But most notably, this is a run-on sentence.
Whenever someone new speaks, you have to make a new paragraph. Here's an example:
"How's it going?" Julia asked.
"Not bad," replied John.
I found this incredibly confusing. I think I'll take this in steps.
Plot: I honestly couldn't tell what the plot was. It was really vague and didn't really have a middle or a conclusion. It moved too fast and there wasn't really a well-defined conflict.
Dialogue: Your dialogue was okay. The biggest problem was that you didn't follow the rule of making a new paragraph every time someone else started to talk. But otherwise, I didn't find much issue with it.
Characters: Your characters seemed rather bland. I didn't get much of an idea of what your main character and Brian were like at all. I understand you didn't have a lot of space to do much with them, but characters are the way you tell your story so they have to be well developed and believable. I think that your lack of characterization is amplified by the bad grammar and formatting.
Overall, this was an interesting premise executed in a not so great way. If you have any questions feel free to ask in a reply or to pm me.
~Storm
thanks i'll start working on it right away i do have a lot to work on I know and ill keep your advice in mind while i re-write this
oh my gosh i'm super silly i've got a lot to work on
i apologize for this rough sketch
though in terms of Gramma what do you think i need to fix up?
Spelling, punctuation, and capitalization.
Hey currey0, Lily here for a review.
Keep posting.
Well..I must say a good try. The story concept is good. I mean it's good that you have a very different plot because not everyone writes story of monsters with a twist like yours. But i guess you can do way better than this.
There are a few suggestions I'd like to mention.Firstly you gotta be very careful of grammatical errors and sentence formations. The story is good but it makes the reader read every line at least twice to understand what it means.
For example this sentence:
"I guess for there some one found me a brought me to this place filled with monsters but the people around me just don't seem to notice."
This sentence needs editing. It really doesn't convey what you exactly want to say. You need to change the whole sentence and put the words in a proper order so you can easily convey to the readers what you are exactly trying to describe or convey.
Apart from that you also need to be very careful at spellings. Because certain words if you spell them wrong the meaning of the sentence gets completely changed. The reader has to read the sentence several times and try to put in a suitable to word to understand the meaning of the sentence. Example:"seances " I think this spelling should have been "senses".
After every full stop remember to start the alphabet with a capital letter. You are mostly making a mistake with the word"I". For example:
"Well you have a lot of spiritual power to would be harmful if you were to grape me and your power over came mine this would mean death for the one who loses." i mad the connection in my mind but i had to ask "
In this sentence after the word 'loses'you need to start the word 'i' with a 'I'.
And since I picked out this sentence I'd like to correct it too.
'i mad the connection '. This line if I'm not wrong should have the word 'made' instead of 'mad'. And also the line 'i had to ask' will be 'I had to ask'.
There's plenty of wok to be done in editing. If you need any help please feel free to ask me,my chat box is always open for any help...
But have to agree I loved your imagination.Would love to have more of them.
-Lily ^_^
all i have to say is yes yes and yes i feel a bit silly posting it like this but i guess that's what editing is for
Exactly!!....with a bit of editing your work gonna be amazing!....I'm an amateur writer too...so I totally get that...