Authors Note:I have decided to put a halt to both of my stories, I do have a few chapters ready to go though. I'm most likely going to post them on Saturday if I can, but for now I hope you guys in enjoy 'Mistress'. The setting is during the renaissance era.
Prologue
Grunts of pleasure escaped his lips and filled her ears.
With a vacant expression, Ana laid quietly under the lithe masculine form of the moving male hovering above her and inside her. Gripping his shoulders roughly as he rode her, indenting his tanned skin with half-moons from her sharp nails.
But he never noticed.
He was strong and born a warrior; pain seemed non-existent to him. Just once she wished she could hurt him like he hurt her countless times. See him in agony because of her. Writhing in his own bodily fluids. But in the same instance she couldn't think of doing that to him.
She couldn't grasp the thought of hurting his majesty. He had given her so much .... and yet he snatched all innocence of the child she once was. Taking everything away from her. Her dignity, her pride, her honor. Now gone and spent. All for his pleasure he bestowed on her, nightly. He was self-centered bastard indulging his own needs and not considering hers.
He came and finished with a satisfied growl erupting from his throat . Pulling away he settled himself next to her on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, panting with unbidden fervor but quickly returning to its regular pattern.
Instinctively, Ana turned to to rise from the bed, a healthy flush coloring her pale cheeks. But before she could step out of the warm bed, his firm hand shot out and latched out onto the her wrist. She frowned at herself. Why couldn't he leave her alone. He had gotten what he wanted. What now?
Masking her disgust, she turned to the owner of the hand, an inquisitive expression plastered across her face.
"Stay..."he murmured, his eyes glinting wickedly from the reflected rays of moonlight that beamed into the obscured room through the extensive window behind her. A shiver traveled its way down her spine as the demanding timbre of his baritone wrapped around her like a vice lock.
She eyed him nervously and licked her lips, "It would not be right sire." Her words were bold.
She flinched as he grinned a wolfish grin, yanking her arm pulling her down against him. A dull ache struck in the socket of her shoulder, she rubbed it subconsciously as she found herself now pinned beneath him once more.
Her sight became blurry as a fountain of tears flooded her face."Please, my lord let me be. Have I not given you what you wanted?"She caught his gaze, his eyes were empty and vacant of any remorse. Nothing laid behind those deep obsidian endless pools.
"And who are you to defy me, woman," he snarled, embedding his calloused fingers into her hips extracting a scream from her lips, but he muted it; covering his mouth over hers, kissing her violently. She winced and arched her back as he roughly took her again, reclaiming her body in unbearable pain.
After he was done with her he lowered his mouth to her ear," Remember you are a worthless whore and belong to me," He whispered. Those words struck her core and made her shiver. Extracting himself from her, he settled by her side again, this time hugging her close- his body pressed against the fine contours of her womanly shape- and he drifted off to sleep.
Silently she cried herself to sleep in the darkness.
Okay, the prologue is finish so tell me what you think. Should I keep it or ditch it?
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140,142 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I love it. I think you need to add more into the story, to keep the audiance in place. I have a novel called The Legend of Dana in working, but I think you should read it. It's not rated, so go on and read. I'm open to suggestions and for discussion. I could use some advice for my writing so I won't have the dreaded writer's block. Let me know what you think.
Yeah I live this story...I feel sad for the girl though...the guy Is such a butt-hole!
please pm me when you posted more!
Hi curiousvampire
I like this and I think you should continue with it. I also think that you should re-read it as it would help with your grammar mistakes.
When/if you post more can you pm me?
midnightread
Comments in red.
Umm...Yeah. I normally don't review this kind of stuff but I thought you meant explicit as in gore. >>" By the time I realized it I was all: oh well. Here goes nothing. So take my review with plenty of salt.
Dialogue is way stilted.
The guy is cliched.
The girl's bitterness shone through, but I think it could shine more. And I don't get the beginning, where she thought he had given her so much.
Sincerely,
Kara
Wow, this is really good! It kinda reminds me of this one Barbara Cartland book, which is a good thing because she is an excellent writer. Though I do have a feeling that this dude isn't going to last long, at least if it were me, let's just say he wouldn't last past the first few pages if I were the Heroine.
But, anyways, this is good I actually prefer it to you vampire story, not that your vampire story is bad, it's fine. This is just my kinda book, I do hope that you continue with it.
P.S the name is divine! Draws the reader in, at least it did me.
First of all, let me apologize for taking so long to read this. :/ Life and school just got really crazy and I was a little overwhelmed.
I really liked this for a prologue. I feel like I have to know more about the characters and what the future has for them.
I definitely think you should keep it. If you decide to post more, would you please PM me when you do?
Whoah, this is AWESOME. Update soon please!
PM me when you do? Thanks!
The oppisite of a hopeless cause!
Please PM when you post up more!
~Thanks and hugs,
Rose
Thanks for the reviews! I'll update as soon as possible.
Definitely keep it, I really like what you've done so far. I look forward to reading more.
Please message me when you update it.
Yes you need to go through a fix the gramatical errors but other than that i foundit very interesting! Please post more.
I think this is something different from what I read before. It's interesting and it makes question so much about the characters more then anything. I do wish to know more about it and I suggest you write more! :] I found a few mistakes through out the story though. Common things, nothing to worry about.
"Grunts of pleasure escaped her lips and filled her ears."
I think you meant his.
"See him in agony because of her; writhing in his own bodily fluids."
I believe this ; needs to be a period instead.
"She eyed him nervously and liked her lips, 'it would not be right sire'"
I think you meant to put licked. The it needs to have a capitol "I".
She flinched as he grinned a wolfish grin, yanking her arm pulling her down against him.
Missed a word there. Bold word.
Her sight became blurry as a fountain of tears flooded her face."Please, my lord let me be. Have I not given you what you wanted."
I'm unsure if you meant to put not, but I believe you meant to leave it out. I might be wrong. If so, ignore this.
After he was done with her he lowered his mouth to her ear," remember you are a worthless whore and belong to me," He whispered.
Remember needs to have a capitol "R"
Again, I think this is a strong story. Very interesting so far. You did well in expressing the characters feelings, which is always needed for a good book. Keep it up!