z

Young Writers Society



In the Company of a Vampire : Prologue (edited)

by curiousvampire


Prologue:Alice and the Vampire

Alice could only describe it as someone watching her from afar, like a guardian angel or some other deity .Taking a look around the grand ballroom with its plush carpeting and the magnificent porcelain sculptures that lined the walls, yet she spotted nothing out of the ordinary. Mingling in the line for the punch she gazed up at the balcony, her heartbeat exhilarating within her fragile chest cavity. Her lips curled nervously as she locked eyes with the mysterious gorgeous stranger who obviously had been there for quite some time.He was an unusual pale color with an untamed onyx mane and possessed the iciest blue eyes she had every seen.

Dressed in an all black tux, the stranger seem to have a sophisticated air about him ; a predatory one. She didn't know how long exactly they stared into each others eyes, it could have been seconds or minutes.He curled his lips back in a similar way as hers revealing a pair of solid white fangs. Her hand moved subconscienciously to her enticing neck. 'He's a vampire,'Alice thought, the hairs on her neck stood up. As if sensing what she was thinking he smiled at her.

"Are you okay miss?" The man behind her asked. Alice tore her eyes from the enigmatic stranger for the very first time.

She turned to the elderly male behind her with a smile plastered on her face hiding her fear,"Sorry,I'm fine," she said,"thank you for asking though." Finally after getting a drink she returned to her seat. She felt scared now , a possible terror she had never felt before.Her gaze turned back up toward the balcony. He was gone!'Was he a ghost?' Her mind shrieked.

Soon the music became a low rhythm as the maitre d' stood at the bottom of the staircase that led from the balcony cleared his throat to get everyone's attention, all the dancers who were on the ballroom floor gathered around for the pending announcement. Alice remain seated."Before we end our evening," he began,"our gracious lord and host will have one last dance with a special young lady." All the women squeal with joy as a young handsome male descends the steps. Alice's face emitted her fear and grief.'Its him.I wasn't hallucinating after all.'

He climbed down the stairs with such perfect grace that not even a woman of the highest status and grace could compare to him.Once he reached the ballroom floor all the women crowded around him except for Alice; she was the only one who knew what their host actually was. His turquoise eyes met with her emerald green ones and kept them on her and her alone.

"Now ladies who will be ever so kind as to share a dance with me?" He possessed a deep sultry baritone that was dripping with seduction. His admirers swooned and thronged around him each trying to get in reach of him , but he still kept his eyes on Alice and made his way through the crush of women with such ease toward her.

Looking up, time seemed to stop for Alice as she stared up into those blue eyes that seem to haunt her. He gave a slight bow and held out his gloved hand, "would you accompany for this dance my dear?" The women behind them witnessing this either let out a low growl of anger or a sigh of rejection.How dare he choose a pauper like her. Terror gripped her heart, yet she did not feel the need to run away.Before she could stop her actions Alice took his hand and her feet moved without her permission as he led her out onto the dance floor and the music started up again. At the beginining, they were the only ones dancing then other couples fell in to join them.

"Your heart rate is beating at an incredible speed," he whispered in her ear. "Do you fear me Alice?"

Alice swallowed hard. 'He knows my name! How?' Questions ran rapidly in her brain.

"Don't worry how I know your name Alice, you will soon be mines again and all shall be clear." He stated.

" What do you---" her words were silence when he enveloped his lips with hers.The lip-lock was intoxicating.She had never experienced anything so wonderful before, their tongues exploring each others cavern. Both dangerous and filled with ecstasy. For a vampire he was a good kisser. Not wanting this moment to end her hand trailed up his spine to massage the nap of his neck.He growled appreciatively as he deepene the kiss and encircled his arms around her slim waist before breaking it to pay more attention to her neck. Alice sucked in a breath of air and clenched her eyes closed before letting out a scream of agony when his fangs pierced her delicate skin.Her blood reminded him of cherries. Her body became limp in his arms. Before he was able to suck her dry. She was one of him now. An immortal. A vampire.When her eyes blinked open they were blank and lifeless.

"What have you done to me!" Alice screamed in shock, tears cascading done her round face.

"I have made you my queen."


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Fri May 07, 2010 11:10 am
Scherezade wrote a review...



I must applaud to the fact that even though you aren't too young to the form of adults; it would seem as if your writing style hardly reflects the maturity of the author. Well done!
As you said 'it was rushed,' but your details are more promising then most. I for one enjoy more detail in a story when based on something I can not comprehend. Not that because of Twilight anyone could reach for the understanding of Vampires, but more on the level of 'for me Vampyric connection' is far from at hand.
I mean if I had ever came across a Vampire in real life <preferring a male> and it showed me its fangs; Girl I WOULD RUN!
Yes, the wonders of gaining controlable power could be exhilerating; on the long run...well it would be long. <lolz>
Aside from the story, I found it interesting to come across an african american <well partly you say> that enjoys Manga and the like. Not that I am referring to ethnics of the like not enjoying this form of art, but where I am from they just don't relate. It's a shame truly. So bravo for your expertise. Keep it going too. Maybe others will come along.

Manga is wonderful.
That is that.
An Art in it's own.
Like a bunny from a hat.

Manga is wonderful.
As to how?
It's color as close to a fist.
With Ka-blaam and Ka-pow!

Manga, what more to say?
To read from an end to a start
Like relapsing during a play.

Manga is wonderful.

So I guess I ranted and decided to give you a poem.
Hope you liked it as your work and example for many others, can lead to random creations as this.
-Scherezade




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Sat Apr 24, 2010 7:08 am
fictionfanatic says...



Oh wow wow wow wow wow. You've captivated my attention.




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Thu Apr 15, 2010 1:02 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey I just noticed that you edited what I pin-pointed. Thank you. You changed undead to immortal which is good but the spelling is wrong.
You wrote imortal while its immortal.




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Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:28 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hi curiousvampire. I am in total awe. I feel like reading the entire book at one og but that's not possible...you haven't written all. :lol: This story is so romantic. One would try to find similarities with Twilight but its hard. i am heading straight towards next part. Sorry for the delay, girl.

Alice could only describe it as someone watching her from afar, like a guardian angel or some other deity.#FF00BF ">(space here) Taking a look around the grand ballroom with its plush carpeting and the magnificent porcelain sculptures that lined the walls, yet she spotted nothing out of the ordinary.#FF00BF ">(space here)Mingling in the line for the punch she gazed up at the balcony, her heartbeat exhilarating within her fragile chest cavity. #FF00BF ">Space here Her lips curled nervously as she locked eyes with the mysterious gorgeous stranger who obviously #FF00BF ">had been there for quite some time.He was an unusual pale color with an untamed onyx mane and possessed the iciest blue eyes she had every seen.

Dressed in an all black tux, the stranger seem to have a sophisticated air about him ; a predatory one. She didn't know how long exactly they stared into each other#0080BF ">'s eyes, it could have been seconds or minutes.He curled his lips back in a similar way as her#0080BF ">'s revealing a pair of solid white fangs. Her hand moved subconscienciously to her enticing neck. 'He's a vampire,'Alice thought, the hairs on her neck stood up. As if sensing what she was thinking#0080BF ">, he smiled at her.

"Are you okay miss?" The man behind her asked. Alice tore her eyes from the enigmatic stranger for the very first time.

She turned to the elderly male behind her with a smile plastered on her face hiding her fear,"Sorry,I'm fine," she said,"thank you for asking though." Finally #FF00BF "> after getting a drink she returned to her seat. She felt scared now , a possible terror she had never felt before.Her gaze turned back up toward#0080BF ">s the balcony. He was gone!'Was he a ghost?' Her mind shrieked.

Soon the music became a low rhythm as the maitre d' stood at the bottom of the staircase that lead #FF00BF ">led from the balcony cleared his throat to get everyone's attention, all the dancers who were on the ballroom floor gathered around for the pending announcement. Alice remain seated."Before we end our evening," he began,"our gracious lord and host will have one last dance with a special young lady." All the women squeal with joy as a young handsome male descend#FF00BF ">sed the steps. Alice#FF00BF ">'s face emitted her fear and grief.'Its him.I wasn't hallucinating after all.'

He climbed down the stairs with such perfect grace that not even a woman of the highest status and grace could compare to him.Once he reached the ballroom floor#FF00BF ">, all the women crowded around him except for Alice; she was the only one who knew what their host actually was. His turquoise eyes met with her emerald green one#0000FF ">s and #FF4000 ">kept them on her and her alone.
#BF00FF ">(What did yuou mean by this? :( )
"Now ladies#0000FF ">, who will be ever so kind as to share a dance with me?" He possessed a deep sultry baritone that was dripping with seduction. His admirers swooned and thronged around him each trying to get in reach of him , but he still kept his eyes on Alice and made his way through the crush of women with such ease toward#0040FF ">s her.

Looking up, time seemed to stop for Alice as she stared up into those blue eyes that seem to haunt her. #0000FF ">(space here)He gave a slight bow and held out his gloved hand, "would you accompany for this dance my dear? #FF00BF ">(you are asking a question so please put a question mark)" The women behind them witnessing this either let out a low growl of anger or a sigh of rejection.How dare he choose a pauper like her. Terror gripped her heart, yet she did not feel the need to run away.Before she could stop her actions#0000FF ">, Alice took his hand and her feet moved without her permission as he led her out onto the dance floor and the music started up again. At the #FF00BF ">beginning#FF4000 ">(you wrote the wring spelling first)#0000FF ">, they were the only ones dancing then other couples fell in to join them.

"Your heart rate is beating at a#0040FF ">n incredible speed," he whispered in her ear. "Do you fear me Alice?"

Alice swallowed hard. 'He knows my name!#FF8000 ">(space here) How' Questions ran rapidly in her brain.

"Don't worry how I know your name Alice, you will soon be mines again and all shall be clear." He stated.

" What do you---" her words were silence when he enveloped his lips with hers.The lip-lock was intoxicating.She had never experienced anything so wonderful before, their tongues exploring each others cavern. Both dangerous and filled with ecstasy. For a vampire he was a good kisser. Not wanting this moment to end#0000FF ">, her hand trailed up his spine to massage the nap of his neck.He growled appreciatively as he deepen#0040FF ">ed the kiss and encircled his arms around her slim waist before breaking it to pay more attention to her neck. Alice sucked in a breath of air and clenched her eyes closed before letting out a scream of agony when his fangs pierced her delicate skin.Her blood reminded him of cherries. Her body became limp in his arms. Before he was able to suck her dry. She was undead #0000FF ">(This doesn't sound a proper word. What about immortal?) now. One of him now. A vampire.When her eyes blinked open#0000FF ">, they were blank and lifeless.

"What have you done to me!" Alice screamed in shock, tears cascading done her round face.

"I have made you my queen."


Okay so overall it was your story that held me not particularly your writing style though that was also commendable. There seems to be a serious typing chaos. You don't leave space before starting another sentence. That's not cool. It mixes up the sentecns and everything goes hay-wire.

Characters: I loved Alice and her vampire lovers portrayal. And let me tell you something..Alice is my favorite name. Maybe more description of Alice and his beauty would do more good.

Plot: I think you have a good story in hand which would be a fun read.
Dialogue: As there weren't many dialogue, so there is nothing left to comment on that.


I have told rest of the mistakes above.
You get three smiley faces (hey Biffle1's idea) out of five. hehhe... :D :D :D
#00BF00 ">
Special thanks to Hannah, me YWS mentor for helping me get better at reviews.
#FF00FF ">She rocks!!!




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Wed Mar 31, 2010 9:56 pm
isabellarivas43 says...



Amazing! Absolutely Amazing! I want to read more! Please write more! I loved it! :D




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Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:38 am
portersrose wrote a review...



Please,please,please,please,please,please,please,please,please,please,please,please,please (goes on for the next 10 lines) type fast! I'm not really sure I can wait that long for the next chapter. Do me a favor will you? When you finish typing the next chapter email the link to me please! Thanks!

Keep up the good work!

~Hugs,
Rose




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Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:09 pm
hero wrote a review...



OK, well, having just read John Polidori's 'The Vampyre', I feel entitled to review one vampire story. By the by, why is it that every vampire since Polidori is basically Lord Byron with fangs? Honestly.

Anyway, I have to say, SHOW don't TELL. I mean, I could yap on about grammar, etc., but I'll leave that for someone else, you know. What bugged me was some of the content.

Her lips curled nervously as she locked eyes with the mysterious gorgeous stranger who obviously been there for quite some time. He was an unusual pale color with a untamed onyx mane and possessed the iciest blue eyes she had every seen.


Basically, I am almost bored to tears of 'glorious smexy Byron with fangs' vampires. I mean, we've seen it all too much. Why not a vampire who is normal? After all, just downgrading the whole 'smexiness' aspect of him would make this nameless vamp something new. Yes, I know, this is romance, but, come on, I like reading about the socially inept, somewhat geeky who get the girls. (Dunno why.)
Also, can I just ask, why does Alice instantly assume that this guy is a vampire? Maybe he has some kind of dental-calcium-buildup-thing-a-majigger. Or maybe he's a banshee. Or maybe he's normal and she's just had a bit too much grappa.

Her blood tasted like cherries.


Blood does not taste of cherries. I should know; I chew my cheeks to shreds, I tells ya, shreds! And, unless I am a genetic freak of nature, blood tastes salty, rich, but not sweet or tart.
Indeed (forgive me, Twilight rant), this was a thing I screamed about when reading Twilight, since blood does not smell of freesia or roses, blood smells like salt, or, when left out too long, rotting meat.
Anyway, yeah. Blood isn't that romantic when you think about it.

Also, why does nobody notice that this guy is sucking ten pints of blood out of a woman. You cannot suck ten pints of blood out of somebody all in one go; I don't care that he's a vampire, being a vampire is not deus ex machina or plot device. But yeah, nobody appears to care that there is this woman being bled dry. Wouldn't she scream? Honestly, in real life, people do not respond well to people biting them and sucking their blood.

Well, that's it for me. I like how this woman is torn between fear and 'OMG he's hawt'; other vamp writers tend to go for 'OMG' rather than 'I am going to die'. Yeah.




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Mon Mar 15, 2010 3:56 am
dasiamari says...



yet she did not feell the need to run away. Only one l in feel other than that and one other mistake I loved it




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Sun Mar 14, 2010 6:56 pm
curiousvampire says...



Oh thank you, I am glad you liked it and yes it was rushed. I really was planning to keep this a short story thing but maybe I may continue it after all. Thank you for your helpful review I might lengthen the chapter. :mrgreen:




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Sun Mar 14, 2010 6:33 pm
Riot_starter wrote a review...



curiousvampire wrote:Alice could only describe it as someone watching her from afar, like a guardian angel or some other deity.(I LOVE this first sentance.)Taking a look around the grand ballroom with its plush carpeting and magnificent porcelain sculpture that lined the walls,she spotted nothing out of the ordinary.Mingling in the line for the punch, she gazed up at the balcony, her heartbeat exhilarating within her fragile chest cavity.Her lips curled nervously as she locked eyes with the mysterious gorgeous stranger who obviously been there for quite some time.He was an unusual pale color with a untamed onyx mane and possessed the most(You might want to take 'most' out of here. It sounds wrong to me.) iciest blue eyes she every seen.
Dressed in an all black tux the stranger seem to have an sophisticated air about him ; a predatory one. She didn't know how long exactly they stared into each others eyes, it could have been seconds or minutes.He curled his lips back in a similar way as hers revealing a pair of solid white fangs. Her hand moved subconscienciously to her enticing neck. 'He was a vampire,'Alice thought, the hairs on her neck stood up. Sensing what she was thinking he smiled at her.
"Are you okay miss?" The man behind her asked. Alice tore her eyes from the enigmatic stranger for the very first time.
Turning to the elderly male behind her with a smile plastered on her face hiding her fear,"Sorry,I'm okay" she said,"Thank You for asking." Finally getting a drink she returned to her seat. She felt scared now , a possible terror she had never felt before.Her gaze turned back up toward the balcony. He was gone!'Was he a ghost.?' Her mind shrieked.
Soon the music became a low rhythm as the maitre d' stood at the bottom of the staircase that lead from balcony cleared his throat to get everyones attention, all the dancers who were on the ballroom floor gathered around for the pending announcement. Alice remain seated."Before we end our evening," he began,"our gracious lord and host will have one last dance with a special young lady." All the women squeal with joy as the young handsome male descend the steps. Alice face emitted her fear and grief.'Its him.I wasn't hallucinating after all.'
He climbed down the stairs with such perfect grace that not even a woman of the highest status and grace could compare to him.Once he reached the ballroom floor all the women crowded around him except for Alice; she was the only one who knew what their host actually was. His turquoise eyes met with her emerald green one's and kept them on her on her alone.
"Now ladies who will be ever so kind as to share a dance with me?" He possessed a deep sultry baritone that was dripping with seduction. His admirers swooned and thronged around him each trying to get in reach of him , but he still kept his eyes on Alice and made his way through the crush of women with ease toward her.
Looking up time seemed to stop for Alice as she stared up into those blue eyes that seem to her haunt her.He held out his gloved hand, "would you accompany for this dance my dear." The women behind them witnessing this let out either a low growl of anger or a sigh of rejection.How dare he choose a pauper like her. Terror gripped her heart yet she did not felt to run away.Before she could stop her actions Alice took his hand and her feet moved without her permission and led her out the dance floor and the music started up again. At the begin they were only ones dancing then other couples fell in.
"Your heart rate is beating at a incredible speed," he whispered in her ear. "Do you fear me Alice?"
Alice swallowed hard. 'How does he Know(Lowercase 'k') my name,' many questions ran rapidly in her brain.
"Don't worry how I know your name Alice, you will soon be mine again." He stated.
" What do you---" her words were silence when he enveloped his lips with her.The lip-lock was intoxicating.It was nothing she experienced anything so wonderful before, their tongues each others cavern. Both dangerous and filled with ecstasy. For a vampire he was a good kisser. Not wanting this moment her hand trailed up his spine to massage the nap of his neck.He growled appreciatively as he deepen the kiss and encircled his arms around her slim waist before breaking it to pay more attention to her neck. Alice sucked in a breath of air and clenched her eyes closed when his fangs pierced her skin. Her body became limp in his arm as he sucked her sucked(I'm not sure, but I don't think you need the second 'sucked') dry. Her blood tasted like cherries. She was undead now. One of him now. A vampire.When her eyes blinked open they were a deep violet.
"What have you done to me," Alice screamed in shock tears cascading done her round face.
"I have made you my queen."


This was beautiful. I really liked the internal conflict that Alice had. It seemed a bit rushed, maybe you could lengthen it out and give it more detail? Like when they're about to kiss, maybe describe more about this vampire lord? (He seems like quite the hunk) :smt003 So far, so good. Keep writing! I want to read more.





Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus