A collection of poems

Untitled
My angry thoughts are left to ferment.
My patience is waning
as fury manifests its self (itself?)
Lies lingering on the tip of my tongue
Waiting to escape this cage of honesty.
There are no forever lasting pacts
(This is pretty good, but I think you need some kind of punctuation or something)
between lovers and friends, but?
eventually we all die in the end,
and we'll all live to see our downfall.
Maybe add more descriptions?



Death
Beyond the black veil of death,
endless questions is are?what lies delete "s"? outside.
Emptiness and malice is sprawled,
alone with my memoirs I remain in
a world uncaring of my tragedy and pain.
Something could be taken out or replaced with these last two lines. They just don't flow together. Your poems are awesome thoughts, but maybe work on structure and flowing a little more

curiousvampire wrote:I rarely write poems so if you must tear it to shreds for my awful work please do.

Untitled
My angry thoughts are left to?ferment.
My patientspatience is wainingwaning
as fury manifests its self
Lies lingering on the tip of my tongue
Waiting to escape this cage of honesty.
There are no forever lasting pacts
between lovers and friends
eventually we all die in the end I like this sentence...
and we all live to see our downfall.



Death
Beyond the black veil of death
endless questions is what lies beyondHmm, probably wouldn't use beyond again. Try a different word.
emptiness and malice is sprawled
alone with my memoirs I remain inThis doesn't make sense. It's a bit too much prose, henceforth creating confusement to the reader.
a world uncaring of my tragedy and pain.


Night and Day
Silently night eun-wraps the day
gently closing down daysI wouldn't repeat days again control
a constant game of tag played for an eternity.
Night settling her gems for all top see
knowing that soon enough day will once again redeem the sky.Why would she lay down all her if she knew that soon enough she'd have to pack them all up again?
A soft regard for those that dwell within their realms
the specialities that never over step day and night boundaries
a balanced unequal.



Graveyard Slumber
In a tombstone bed
I rest and admire the sky
A dear pile of bones below me
keeps me company as I die.
The crows sing me a swan song and the
wind whispers me a lullaby.
Those who grieve
don't care for me.
Pay no attention to me
as I water the grass
with my tears.



Murder
You killed me in the slumber
A most terrible death indeed
I screamed and no one heard

I clawed at you
You felt nothing

My body reeked of pain
every shallow sharp breath
you struck me with the dagger
but I still kept screaming
til the end
I kept screaming


Drowning
Held under water
I want to cry.
To death
I would rather die.

I can't breath
the pain too hard to take.

My life flashes before my very eyes
and what a short life it is.
I wish death will hurry and takes its placeI would probably start a new sentence from here... and reap me already
ending my misery.


Also untitled
My head is down, my spirits too.
I walk alone in the rain and gloom.
My heart is filled with despair
as one who nears a tombIncredibly random haha.

I caught my Seth in bed with my best friend
and shot them both dead.Again, incredibly random.

My love, my husband has left this world
but would not leave my mind.

If I could change that awful deed
I would not hesitate.
But what is done can not be changed
remorse has came to be.

Okay, so basically your poems are just(mostly) very smart words all pushed together to sound like poetry. Most people think that this is what poetry is, smart words being put into sentences. But the last few poems you wrote make absolutely no sense at all. I mean, alone they give off a cool atmosphere, but when you try and make them into a full poem, it just doesn't work. Anyways, they're pretty decent for somebody who doesn't write poetry often.

Thanks for the confidence and advice, I will keep on trying to get better.

I think your poems are okay. I am going to review the first untilted poem.

Untitled
My body has become a breathing septic tank.

Patience laking in my brain