Published June 22, 2011
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Its nice and light but a little... I don't know, not inspiring? All it is saying is the sun gives light, it was a good try, but I think you need to think carefully about your idea and put in more detail. But I like short and light poems.
Hey.
Thanks for the review request, I appreciate it and poetry is something I love to review, So I'm all for it!
I'll do stanza by stanza nit picks, then do an overall reveiw at the end-Ok for you? Right then.
First thing I have as problem with here, is the line where you talk about the sun seeming yellow. The sun doesn't seem to be yellow-it is. The way you phrase it here, makes me question whether or not the sun's yellow. Everyone know's the yellow's a yellow,orange colour so it come's across as if you haven't really seen the sun before. So I'd certainly change that to is or smoething. Other the it, it's a sweet verse but nothing else. It lacks depth and originality. So what? The sun's in the sky, it's yellow-why do we care? I think you should maybe add some personal views on the sun, that way we can feel something more. Right now, it's a very basic poem with not much going on. It's a bit boring too be honest with you. Poetry is all about creating a picture with words and I on't feel that with this little poem. It's almost too simple to convey any sort of feeling. Maybe add in some thoughts or as I said; views on the sun to give it that extra little something.
What you're doing here is underlining the obvious. We know all of this stuff, and I'm not saying when writing opems you should laways write something fresh and soemthing new about whatever topic, I'm saying you're just bluntly pointing out the obvious. We know these things. Now all in all, I could get a better picture here, then the first stanza but still, description is lacking, depth is lacking. Your rythme is steady and has a nice ring to it though, I'll give you that.But, depth, imagery-all of this needs to be incorporated into the poem to really give it that fresh, brilliance it needs.
This verse is pretty much the same as the last two. Same simplicity, same lack of detail. We does the sun being pretty give you hope? Why does being glad help you cope? These explanations areabsolutley necessary. If I'm honest, I think the words you've chosen here are a bit childish. A bit ammature. You need something exotic and new and fresh to help us feel the difference in this poem adn the next one, you know?
Overall
It's a sweet poem of a chid's version of what the sun is. When I read it, it makes me think of a little gilr reciting this, slowly for her parents. I know, this isn't the feel you wanted to get across ehh? Well to change that, you need a lot more detail, imagery and vocabulary. Personal views on this would be good and depth is lacking majorly here. So all in all, it's asweet poem but nothing more. It's certainly not anything amazing which I know you can probably acheive if you really try. Everyone needs to push themselves to do better and I think that's what you need to do. Work on editing and you might just have somethign here. Right now, you have a skeleton with no flesh. Go out and get everything to make this skeleton human. You can do it, it's only a matter of time.
I wish you luck with it! Any questions, leave a comment in my review thread and I'll answer it there. Thanks.
Kagi
it was a good try all over..............i'll advice you u pay a bit heed to your rhyming scheme...........
the line-"the sun send sparkling
light on the sea"
-can be better written as-"the sun sparkles brightly
over the vast wide sea"
it is just an advice.............take it if u like......................plzzzz keep on writing .............i am looking forward to some better works of yours........
I'll admit I don't know much about poetry at the beginning here, so I'll just give you my general impression. I thought it was nice and upbeat, but the rhymes seemed kind of rushed and uninspired. The sun makes us happy. So what? I don't get any new insights on life from this poem.
It's a good try though. I think you've got potential for sure.
Hmmmmmmmmm...simple, yet pleasant. Sorry I'm a little new to this site. Anyways, it sounds somewhat original. I like it don't get me wrong. If you can write more simple poems like this I would be more than happy to read them. Thanks for the light reading, it was just what I needed