Stars

Griffinkeeper wrote:It rhymes, but it is very simple; I think it can be improved further. Allow me to explain:

Poetry is all about painting a picture with words. The goal is to describe something (or someone!) thoroughly using poetic devices. There are various styles of poetry that are employed to do this (Haiku, rhymes, etc.) but all of them have the same objective. That is the grammar behind the poetry. You can think of it as the canvas for this verbal painting which you're writing.

Every painting needs paint. For the verbal painter (aka Poet) the paint is Imagery. Consider Shakespeare's Sonnet 18. The opening line: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?" immediately conjures up images from the reader's own mind. Images of warmth, brightness, and fair weather are all brought out in a single line.

Not all of us can be Shakespeare though; but we can sure learn a lot from him.

Now, let's look at the imagery from the last stanza.

The stars look so pretty,
Just a little kitty.

When I read this, no imagery jumped out at me. How exactly can one compare stars with kittens? In what way are they alike? They rhymed (although "just a little kitty" by itself didn't make much sense, but I suspect that's a minor typo) but the images (stars and kittens) just didn't connect with one another. When images don't connect, the poem doesn't make sense.

The good news is that your poem doesn't have a lot of imagery. A rookie error is to include too much imagery; creating abominations like "Crimson blood oozed over my soul of blackness angst angst blood blood crimson ooze." In contrast, your poem has less imagery than it needs. While some of the imagery needs to be updated so that they are connected to one another, that is much easier to do.

They shine so bright,
In the sky at night.

This stanza is the best written. It's a little cliche perhaps, to be talking about how stars shine, but I don't care. I've got fond memories of looking up at the sky and seeing the brightness of trillions of stars.

I'm hesitant to suggest anything, just because this was so... cute Haha. Definitely brought a smile to my face. Good write.

cupcake wrote:The stars look so pretty,
Just a little kitty.

It rhymes, but it is very simple; I think it can be improved further. Allow me to explain:

Poetry is all about painting a picture with words. The goal is to describe something (or someone!) thoroughly using poetic devices. There are various styles of poetry that are employed to do this (Haiku, rhymes, etc.) but all of them have the same objective. That is the grammar behind the poetry. You can think of it as the canvas for this verbal painting which you're writing.

Every painting needs paint. For the verbal painter (aka Poet) the paint is Imagery. Consider Shakespeare's Sonnet 18. The opening line: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?" immediately conjures up images from the reader's own mind. Images of warmth, brightness, and fair weather are all brought out in a single line.

Not all of us can be Shakespeare though; but we can sure learn a lot from him.

Now, let's look at the imagery from the last stanza.

The stars look so pretty,
Just a little kitty.

They shine so bright,
In the sky at night.

That was very cute, and very light hearted. Which is refreshing to see. Alot of times poetry is very sad.. good job