The Legion, Chapter one, Page one.

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Island! Page one.

The waves on the ocean were being pushed and pulled by an ominous and strange presence, they tried to balance but couldn't, that was zooming above at an amazing speed and an enormous noise that was unsettling it. The animals underneath the water were calm and cool: being the horrible noise was mostly blocked out byt the ever present form of the Indian Ocean. They made way for their daily deeds, only once or twice thinking, " I wonder what that mysterious noise is?". They would surely shrug off the ponderous question and replace it with a much simpler one; such as, "I wonder what the hunt is hunting today; blow fish?" or, "I'm late! Maybe the school hasn't left without me!"

All the while it did not matter what was going on in the calm yet lethal ocean, for what making the faint noise in the first place was probably one of the most important things going on in the world. Ten feet above the water came a superb MH-60K black hawk, soaring at a speed of 190 miles per hour, trying as hard as its engine could to reach the destination it was sent for. The helicopter itself was comprised of many components and gears masterfully put together until it formed the magnificent terror that was riding the wind. If it would have known what it was built for in the first place, it might have just ran away the moment it first flew off into the sunset.

The plane itself was carrying little supplies compared to what it would have usually carried. First a male of mostly Indian origin, somewhere around the age of thirty-six. His name was Gorden Burner, or commonly referred to as General Burner by his army mates. Most of his body except for his neck was covered by the typical flight jacket and helmet. His jacket was covered by a medal of honor, silver star, and a soldier's medal. Burner

himself was a stern man, even more patient than any other colonel, major, general, or hierarchy in the army; who would've known! Nobody had ever messed or at least dared to mess with Burner, for they were afraid Burner were to be the kind of Hulk like person that would smash you to bits the moment you made him mad.

Burner as a child had been the sensible leader of five siblings(three boys and two girls) during the time of hardships after their father(second after the first father of Burner and his first sister Abigail) had divorced their mother and had left them in poverty. After this series of hardships and alcoholism, Burner and his sister Abigail had pulled the family out of the hellhole of a neighborhood they had lived in, and could finally be listed as at least lower-middle class in the gradually uplifting society of North America.

After his teen years and his graduation for college, Burner immediately enlisted into the army, mainly to prove himself a man for satisfaction against his coward of a third father. Burner spent a whole year in the boat camp before being sent into AF-74, a coveted squad, to the present war in the China. There, the squad had one night made an attempt at the capture of a major stronghold of the Chinese Republic Army. After one squad member had made a wrong move and set off the alarm, the enemy had made their way out of their base and ambushed the squad. Ten casualties out of twenty-one was the total, and with eight injuries, Gorden Burner was the light of safety that reached out and saved the rest of the team. Being honored was too much, even for the stern Burner. Eventually he was re-assigned to special-ops and was now on this mission.

As for the other man who was at the moment sitting on a side bench staring at the unconscious fugitive, his name was William Goldberg. As the same as Burner, most of Goldberg's body was mostly covered by the same uniform as Burner's, but with only a medal of honor to adorn the uniform. Although with a slight view, a slip of dirty Blondie hair was visible.

His personality, in the simplest way to explain it, was the exact opposite of Burner own personality. Usually to one to sit in the corner, Burner wasn't the most open person. Although a genius, his common sense and balance was that of a person who had just demolished the whole hall of mirrors. Not expected to be the serious one of a group of soldiers, to be honest Goldberg would have been the quickest of all the higher-ups of the army to send in the report of his own squad(WK-29 or "Clumsys squad").

Once an author, Goldberg had published a novel. A dime for a fine was given for the book that received quite a shocking result. After a few months of mixed reviews and barely any room for the book other than the store, it met it's new reader ,and happiest in fact, in Charlie Fisher, the editor and columnist of the globally renown literacy magazine Brave New Tales. With an exuberant review and a ten out of ten score, the book was placed in the bestsellers list and made the seemingly ignorant William Goldberg became an American hero of inspiring minds.

Unfortunately, as the case shows, Burner had made a blunder and was sent over to the alternate war located in France. There in the practically the same situation as Goldberg was, Burner had narrowly saved his squad from certain doom. With the paid respects of the families he saved and forgiven for the families related to ones he didn't, he was regarded as a hero to all and an prime enemy to the others. Through many missions and many lands he crossed, and through numerous battles he mocked death and survived a number of thirty-five battles. He was considered a hero of much proportion, and with the honor and appearance of the president, Burner was honored the rank of brigadier general. Seeing and seizing the opportunity they longed for, the army had appointed Burner into special ops. Gorden Burner himself would rarely brag that he reminded himself of James Bond. So after three long years of grueling journeys and countless near-death experiences, Burner was sent off on a mission that he would most likely forget, a mission with William Goldberg, this exact mission that would change the fate of society.

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It had been a quiet time since their departure from the River Bank Fortress, and since William Goldberg had started the whistling a tone that Gordon Burner could not discern, he had promptly decided to turn on the radio that was located to the right of himself. Burner was only confronted by the melancholy sound of complete and utter silence, and to be replaced by the sound of static once Burner had turned the nob to a different station. A noise came from behind Burner, and so he turned off the radio to identify what it was. It was Goldberg, explaining in his lower range tenor voice how tuning into the radio would be pointless. "Goldberg, start all over. I didn't quite hear why my decision was such a fault." Burner commanded in a stern voice.

"Well, basically we're in the middle of the Indian Ocean, so by the odds, either a fugitive would have a lasted long enough to luckily find some sort of radio to contact for help or a some unlucky bastard found the island." Goldberg took a pause from his comment and started to look dozily around, he was thinking about something.

"You have permission to continue Goldberg." Burner said as he made a gesture to verify that Goldberg could continue.

"It was not that sir. I was just thinking of a way in which turning on the radio would have been a bad choice on our part."

"Our part?" What do you mean by that implication?" Burner asked questioningly as he momentarily looked at the clouds outside to figure out what Goldberg meant.

"What do I mean?" Goldberg said in an exaggerated voice. "It means exactly what it's supposed to mean. On our part, turning on the radio would have spelt doom on our part. Say in the point of a foreign adversary, turning on the radio would have given off our location. It would have been highly suspicious, they would check out this disturbance and would have discovered us, sir." Goldberg said as he paused take a breath.

"You make an excellent point Goldberg. No wonder you have received high praise from the officials up in intelligence."

"Thank you sir." Goldberg replied.

"Your welcome. Seeing as how much you have proved my folly as well...a folly! It seems as if you should be the general and I should be the major." Burner said with gusto along with a gesture of his arm.

"Your too kind sir. I've honestly got to say that you deserve the rank of general. I survived through luck, but you didn't. Now we have quiet down before we wake him up. We can't afford the criminal waking up to this now would we." Goldberg said with a chuckle.

"Now we wouldn't, and we won't. Tell me Goldberg, what is his name again?" Burner asked.

Burner reached over to a cabinet to his left and grasped a white slip from the third slot. He pulled it to his face to comprehend it's message and could now visually understand what it read. "His name is Peter Rotter, age 27, and married-"

"I hear he has, or had in this situation, a beautiful wife." Burner intervened.

"Indeed he does. I have seen her photo before." Goldberg stated as he looked from the slip and over to Goldberg. "This slip also says that he went mission for a quite a good period of time." Goldberg said as he started to read more of the slip.

"And how long would that be?" Burner asked.

"About five years, from the age of thirteen to eighteen. Reports say it happened while he was on a trip to the Himalayas with his parents. He was on the mountain while an avalanche occurred and caused him to become lost on the mountain with nothing but himself. He wasn't seen or heard of again until he mysteriously showed up on one day at an Atlanta airport."

"Very interesting..." Burner said as he started to contemplate the mystery that was shrouding this unknown character."Nothing made sense, but it made sense all in its own. Who was this person? Who is this person? What did he do to be cast into this hellhole of an island?"

"Yes, very interesting indeed." Goldberg as he broke the roaring train that was consuming the thoughts of Burner.

Burner indeed was into his thoughts. So much so that he seemed to be in a comma. No noticing of his surroundings and the environment that lay waste closely to their point. All was nothing to this philosopher of his arts, and yet he wouldn't notice the beeping sounds that came from the speaker in front of him.

Burner questioningly looked at it as if it were an intriging and mysterious new object. It beeped again, and again, and again, until Goldberg spoke up again to quiet infinite beeping.

"Sir, are you going to get that? It seems to be very important." Asked Goldberg as he moved his head quickly around as if to shoo away a mosquito or an incessant fly, in which case the fly being the beeping.

Burner obliged and pressed the red button above the speaker. "Yes? Who is it that speaks?" Burner questioned.

"It is I, General Duber, and it is I who shall inform you that your message has been received by 'Intelligence' and is being sent to storage. Also, I would very much like to add that due to your taking of this mission, you have done society a favor and will be greatly rewarded and admired by the time you shall hopefully make it back, both you and Goldberg of course." General Duber said as he paused for a response from Burner.

"Hopefully!? What does he mean by this?" Burner asked himself. "And what do you by this 'hopefully'?" Burner asked the General.

"You of all people should know what I mean. The pirates, those dreadful pirates who inhabit the whole area around the island! You should have a most awful hate of these new-age pirates. You remember what happened to your squad after they were ransacked on board your ship. They pretty much annihilated everyone. Peterson, Gabriel, Hayne, and yourself were really the only ones to survive." Stated General Duber with a slight sigh to the remark he had given.

"I try my best to forget, you may need to know." Burner said as an awkward silence passed over the aircraft. Even Goldberg was speechless for the moment.

"Then I am gravely sorry for the sorrow that I have brought onto you. But anyway! I must be going now. Many important and top-secret things to do. And to let you know. We've calculated your position by the time you sent in the report a couple of hours ago, and you should making it your destination very soon now. Transmission off." General Duber said as the speaker emitted a slight beep and then to silence. A silence far too well known to Burner. A great sorrow indeed was passing over Burner like a swarm of locust, and Burner saw the same image he would always remember of that grave at Harpers Beach. The massacre that only he had caused. The many families that he ruined due to his incompetence of the situation. Even he himself as a general could not bring himself but to be as sad as he was.

And a pity came over Goldberg. He didn't know what to do, and how do it. He was never good at things like this. So he looked out the window to pass by the moment. And to his amazement, he saw a spectacle that only the worst humans could ever see.

"I think General Duber was right sir. We are here."

Comments & reviews · 6
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Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review · Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:44 pm

Hey there Bigfoot!

The first thing I found about this was it was difficult, and daunting to read. One of the things you must be aware of is your audiance.
- Put like breaks in between paragraphs to split large bulks of text.
- Avoid using hyphons or dashes to separate parts, as these tend to look really untidy.
- Since there's two scenes here, it would be better to have the first part as chapter 1a, the second as chapter 1b, e.c.t. That way there's less to read per part, and your readers won't be put off by the size of it.

Less is more.
There's too many adjectives and big words in this, especially at the beginning. To have an impact on your reader you don't need to use powerful words to describe everything, in fact, this can have a negetive effect since your reader will quickly grow disinterested. To have an impact you need to drag your reader straight into the story. Instead of describing powerful waves or ominous presences, try something simple, but vivid.

Unnatural narrative.
It seems you've yet to find your own literary voice, everyone has one. In this piece it seems you're trying to use the wrong one. There's phrases that don't really make sense, but seem like they've just been added in. There's also a lot of words which you have used but don't seem to have grasped the meaning of, so they also stand out of place.

The Characters.
The problem I had with these characters is that, to be blunt, I don't care about them. I can see how they are well formed and have their own individual lives and personalities, but there's something missing. Each character needs to have some kind of passion or desperation, something the reader can relate to. It's that thing that drives them and makes your reader want to follow their story. Without it, your characters are just clogs turning a clock with no hands.

Overall:
I found this hard to get into, because of the points mentioned above. There's definately something in it worth working on, but I think you need to strip it down to the bare basics before you try to jazz it up too much.

Hope this helps.

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Highlander Comment

Dude I remember seeing you write this. This is going to be awesome when you FINALLY FINISH IT!!!!!!!

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cubanbigfoot321 Comment

Thank you three for your nice and helpful comments.

I greatly appreciate them and hope that of the same will come my way.

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Bromthebard
Comment

This is your fellow New Age Inkling, This is really good. Keep working on it, and it will be a great book.

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midnightread
Review

Hi cubanbigfoot321
I like this post and I think its good.
I think that you should re-read your work as in some places it is difficult to tell which character you are talking about.
I think that this story has real potential and that if you re-read your work it will be even better.
I hope that made sense to you, if not pm me and I'll try to explain it better.
midnightread :elephant:

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Bromthebard2 Comment

This is your Fellow New Age Inkling, really good. you need to work on it a little to make it longer but still really good.

I am A New Age Inkling!!



I hope I’ve never been quoted, tbh
— paigey