Published September 20, 2012
So this is the sequal to oasis part 1. ive tried to take the advice from the reviews. i love reviews!
Oh, what was this feeling inside his head? He wasn't sure. It was funny like. Fuzzy and thick. It halted thoughts, keeping them from moving out of the dark and into the open. It hurt a little. It was hiding something. What was it?Confusion. That was it. His thoughts were stumbling in his mind.
Outside. What was it like outside of his brain? The air was weet and a bit frigid. Were his eyes open? He thought hard. They were. But it was dark, and the only shapes were the creases of the tent ceiling. Sounds too.Strange low sounds. Then high shrieks far, far away
And he was suddenly aware of something.
He was not at home. Where was he? Where was home?
Oh.
Of course. His home wasn't there any longer. He knew that.
But his friends were his home now. But they weren't here. Something had happened to them. Ah, but what was it? What has happened?
He should find out. If they were called, they would answer. Maybe they were afraid. Oh dear, they needn't be scared. The muscles of his face had forgoteen how to move his jaw. This was important.
"There?" He cried out. It was a pathectic musky noise. However, it was all he had.
Why was no one calling back? Was the call not enough? All he had did not surfice?
But then, some one was there after all. Someone held his hand, and something damp brushed his cheek, his forhead.
"I am here. Do you thirst?" He had heard this voice before. He had heard it here. He was frightened for a moment, as he tried to remember the voice. The only thing that came with it were memories are care, and comfort.
A smell. A smell too. Of sand and moisture.
He let his mouth drift open. He could not speak again.
Cool liquid filled his mouth, and it was good. It would help him. He knew it would.
He sighed. For the moment all was well.
It filled his mouth again, even though he didn't want it. So he just let it run down over his chest. It felt good moving over his chin, and as something gently wiped it away, he relaxed back into the safe, soft palace of sleep.
Review me maybe? <3
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I would rephrase
There was nothing to really nitpick, so I'm just gonna give an overall review:
The writing is interesting, but I don't think it's working for the piece. The short sentences make the writing feel chopping and it's hard to get into the story. You should consider mixing up the style by adding some longer sentences. Also, what you've written here is incredible vague. I really can't understand what the point was, and I don't really know what else to say because I really don't know what you have here.
It's an interesting style, but if you want it to be effective, you're going to have to fine-tune it because right now it's simply not working.
Dude... did you just critique my review of your story?
The choppy style is becaue the character des not know anything about his surrounding who he is or anything else.
so it is also supposed to be vague
You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you. You can take my advice or leave it if you don't agree.
I'm just saying that with the way you wrote it, it's hard to understand what's going on and it's hard to really get into the story. There are parts where you use the style fantastically, but there are parts when it just becomes needless rambling. I don't know where you're going with this, maybe it would make more sense with more added to it. I was just saying that in MY opinion, it's too choppy.
Personally it's not a favoured writing style of mine (though you can't please everyone). However, there are many aspects that I find nice. I like that's it choppy. Short sentences, to the point. It's a writing technique use by many freelance and professional writers. One that I use in some of my short stories as well.
I understand this is YOUR personal writing style, whether for just these stories or every story you write (and there is nothing wrong with that), but you may want to try reading up on the technique "Show, don't tell" It's all about descriptives.
Also, it may be interesting if you add some character thoughts in italics. It may give insight into the characters OWN mind rather than telling us what's there.
For example, "A smell. A smell too. Of sand and moisture."
You can have the character think this, (unfortunately I can't do Italics, but envision the quotation in italics, symbolizing an unspoken thought from the character)
Adding character thoughts in a generally dialect free story breaks the page up a bit and captures the readers attention.
If this is a series of short stories, than that's great, keep going!! However if not, it may be beneficial to actually reach a reason for his imprisonment. I don't understand what's happening, which is okay if you plan on explaining it later.
Keep in mind: Grammar and punctuation. Important for the flow of a story.
Anyway, regardless of the corrective criticism it is well done! I enjoyed the build of emotions from worried and confused to the peaceful bliss of coma.
Keep writing! I'm looking forward to reading more.
Thanks for actuallt reviewing! <3
i cannot do italis either sooooo... ya. it is a series, and there will be more. i can let you know when the next one is up.