“Everyone, this is Nathaniel Forcas,” Ms. Horrance stated. “He is new to this class and school. There is an empty desk next to Lilith. Lilith Acwellan, raise your hand and let Nathaniel know where you are.” Nathaniel sat down next to me. Today he wore an unbuttoned white button-up shirt over his black sleeveless shirt. I leaned over and hoped we could get on the right foot.
“My name is Lilith Acwellan. My friends call me Lily. Should I call you Nathaniel or Nathan?” I stuck my hand out to shake. Nathaniel leaned very close to my right ear, so close that our cheeks brushed.
“Lilith is a demon name,” he whispered and leaned away. I leaned there frozen for a minute. After first period, I found Chi and told her my experiences.
“Maybe you did something to him as a little kid?”
“I’ve never seen him or heard his name!” Chi smiled and looked at her watch.
“Let’s get to class.” Chi and I split and went to our different classes. The whole day was so bad. Nathaniel was in every one of my classes. In my second period he sat in front of me, my third period he sat behind me, his eyes burning two wholes into the back of my head. Fourth period was the worst since the chairs are set up that half of the desks are on one side, the other half on the other side, facing each other. Nathaniel sat across from me and glared at me the whole time.
“If his glaring is bothering you, you should ask him why he hates you so much,” Chi told me after school. I shook my head no. Chi sighed and walked to Nathaniel by herself. I ran to catch up with her. Nathaniel looked at me. “Why do you glare at her? Do you know her from before?” Chi pressed.
“We are sworn enemies.” Nathaniel walked off.
“Don’t worry about it. Your birthday is Wednesday, right?” Chi led me to her car.
“Chi, I need to take the Drivers Ed! Don’t wait for me!” I ran off. I got to my after school class in time, but noticed Nathaniel sitting in one of the desks. The fat driver teacher came out with a donut in one of his hands.
“Lilith, your driving skills suck!” he yelled at me. I hated teachers who were so blunt. “You’ll be learning from Nathaniel, who passed just a minute ago.” Nathaniel went to a student car and sat at the passenger’s seat. I sighed and dragged myself to the car. Once I got into the car I put the car in gear.
“So, what should I do now?” I asked him without looking at him.
“Jump off a bridge and die,” Nathaniel growled. I looked at him surprised. He then leaned forward and took control of the steering wheel. He drove me past school boundaries. I saw the teacher chasing after us. We—or Nathaniel—drove us to a deserted rode and parked there. I thought he was really good at driving, good enough to park parallel while leaning over with one
hand. Nathaniel sat up, and then reached down toward his ankle.
“Um, wha-“ I began saying, but stopped as he took out a pocket knife, shoved it at my throat and held it there. Blood trickled down my throat. The knife was cool compared to my stinging, burning skin where blood was drawn. He made a growl like noise inside his throat before shoving the knife back into his boot.
“Switch me seats,” he growled. I did as he ordered, grabbing a tissue from one of the car’s compartments and pressing it against my wound. He drove me back to school and explained that it was his fault for letting me out of school boundaries. I was too afraid to show my wound to the teacher. I made sure that Nathaniel didn’t walk me home. Once I got home I put a Band-Aid on and shut myself in my room for the rest of the day and only came out for bathroom breaks, shower, or food. I was glad I had such a big house so that my foster parents couldn’t find me as easily. Now I know that he didn’t just hate me, he wanted to kill me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Nice story, liked the part about the guy putting a knife to the MC's throat. Very exciting. Although there wasn't much dialogue, which made the whole story sound a little boring.
Other than that, it was a nice read. I hope to see the next chapter out soon, happy writing!
Hi there!
I went ahead and read chapter 1 before coming here, so hopefully I didn't miss anything while reading.
One huge problem I'm seeing is description. You have some, but definitely not enough. There are a number of scenes here that I would take pages to talk about while you squished it all into two-ish pages. Slow down and take your time. Make sure the reader knows your character. (i.e. I didn't know Nathaniel was the creepy guy staring at the MC until much later in this chapter.)
The dialogue also needs some attention, but this is because the story was rushed (i.e. not much description). Get a friend and have you and your friend read the dialogue like a play. You get one character, they get another. Does it sound natural? Does it sound like an everyday conversation? Most of the time, you jump topics so randomly that you lose the reader. The reader has all sorts of questions, but none of the characters do.
I usually don't say this because some people take it ridiculously seriously, but describe every little thing between scenes. Mention them leaving class, their habits, their quirks, their reactions, their expressions, etc. Show the reader what's going on rather than just plain stating he said this, she said this, then WHAM the guy tried to kill her.
(Plus, this whole not liking her and not being able to get her out of his life reminds me of Twilight, but not a whole lot. As long as you make it your own later on, you'll be good.)
Hope this helped! You really have an interesting idea! I just wish you could slow down so I can understand it better. Can't wait to read the next part!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!